security..

whatever I did (I cant remember) Im ill now..-.-
that means I sit at home, reading, lying in bed, waiting that something happens, blowing my nose, drinking some tea...isnt that a boring life? wonderful, I couldnt imagine anything thats more wonderful..
and I ask myself how I should get through this horrible examination tomorrow?? I dont know..but actually I dont care..well I do care but just half-hearted..whatever..
yesterday when I was lying on my bed thinking my life through I realized which date it was...29th of september..when I realized that I wondered if I should cry or if I should laugh about it..
exactly two years ago at the 29th september I had a conversation that destroyed my heart. after that I ruined my life for months and ran away from god, pretending he wouldnt exist...
it was a really horrible time..when I think about it today Im not sure what to think about it. I think it was a very important time in my life where god teached me a lot, even when I felt like he wouldnt even be there.
its strange that ONE conversation can destroy EVERYTHING inside of u..maybe it wouldnt be like that today but 2 years ago it was exactly like this..
"not that bad" I think today..becos when I look at the circumstances with this person today its okay! but nevertheless its a bit strange to think about all the things that happened two years ago..I changed a lot..and Im really glad about it..
so these days God has a few hard challenges for me to take..with a few I dont quite know how to handle them but Im sure hell show me..
im just back to that one sentence of the tim hughes song:
my soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see
but still my hope is found in you.
thats just the way it is..hes all my hope becos any other hope doesnt really exist..what I also find a bit strange is that the last few days I read about 4 times of fully trust in god, let security go and get free through this. I dont really know what I should do now..actually thats exactly the answer that I need..it tells everything and it affirms me in the thoughts I have..
but Im not ready..and Im not strong enough to let my security go..maybe I do not trust enough..but that would be hard step..becos if I would let it go..I would stand there without ANYTHING..what to do lord??