honesty

just figured out that being honest is what I have to do..
I just dont know how and when and Im scared about it becos I could get hurt..
dont like thoughts like that..
But if I dont say anything Im gonna go crazy..
so the only thing I can do is praying...however this will end, Im sure that God is with me..

you and you and you..

I walked away and never said that I wanted to see u again

maybe thats the freakin problem..Im too shy to tell u that I would want to see u again..before u leave..and that Id love to spent as much time as possible with u..
and if I would be an asshole Id wish and pray that they dont take u (away from me)...
but Im not and so I pray that u can just go..

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before you go

actually nothing at all will change becos its not like I would see u that often..so who cares?
I do! I pray that God just opens your eyes, so that u can see me and that u can see who I am.
I pray that u see what I want from u..

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste 
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase 
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste 
I want you and your beautiful soul

but unfortunetely I waste one minute after another becos theres nothing I could do but foolish stuff and I dont always wanna be foolish..
If I would know that its worth it I wont care and I would be foolish..but I dont know if its worth it and I rather think its not..so I waste minute after minute, watchin, waiting, hoping, praying..

Im sorry that I like u more than I probably should!!

in your arms..

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do


aaaah..Im goin crazy someday..
should I sit watch and wait until I get old and grey?? how stupid is this...
but being honest is way too hard...becos that much more stupid...just ask myself what I should do..
I shuld concentrate on learning now but theres no way..my thoughts are just spinning..
and my time is running too..how stupid is this...its all so stupid!!

I'll keep going on
As just another one
With another song
Who wants to be the only one for you

Just another guy
Blinded by your smile
Just a lonely heart
Can't stand this aching feeling we're apart, apart

Let me sleep in your arms
Let me breathe this clean bright light surrounding you

I will not pretend
That I'm just a friend
My deliverance
Will you think about me every now and then
When I call again

Let me sleep in your arms
Let me breathe this clean bright lights surrounding you
Let me dream in your arms
Let me breathe this clean bright lights surrounding you

In your arms just in your arms


thats just how I feel..just another one whos blinded by your smile..Im sure that there are thousands of others who are more beautiful, more smart, more kind, have more self-confidence and stuff...
but theres one thing I could do: I could love u..more than everyone of them could..
I would take the stars from the sky just to give them to u..
I would write a song for you, or maybe even a thousand..
I just miss you...cant u see that??

wonderin what happened??

I feel my heartbeat...and its louder than before..
my stomach is full...eventhough I didnt eat anything
Im awake and totally crazy...but I almost had no sleep
Im thinkin all the time...but there is no thought I finish
Im tryin to go on...but I wanna turn back time
I close my eyes..but theres nothing but u!

I shouldnt love fall for you but I want to..

..Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it

-something changed-

its possible!!!

"Its possible!"
THIS SENTENCE MADE MY DAY!!!
okay my day was awesome anyway becos I went shopping in stuttgart with Kaddi and I finally found some stuff I needed.
afterwards weve been to a prophetic evening in kirchheim and we practiced this prophetic stuff a bit...and that was pretty cool...I never practised it that way...but it was a reli good experience.
afterwards two ppl prayed for me and they said some reli great things.
They said that I will have to get a peace into my heart and that this peace will come and with this peace will come calmness..and through this calmness God will show me my way.
They said God already talked to me but through all the stuff around me I culdnt hear and see clearly what HE told and what the world is telling. But with the peace and the calmness all the things the world is telling are slowly fading away and the things God is telling me will become more clear. And Im reli sure that this is right!!!
and they asked if I stood with a question before God...they culdnt know that, I didnt say anything about that..but the answer is "its possible!"
I have to figure it out but.....thats crazy and awesome stuff people!!!

someone like...you?

I would love to share my life with someone..
someone who loves me and someone I love with all my heart.
Id love to go out to the streets with someone to tell the world that jesus lives and to pray for the sick and the hopeless.
Id love to have someone I could go to a worship-night with, and to know that he enjoys the same ways as I do.
Id love to have someone I can walk over fields and meadows with..someone who loves to have a walk, just like I do.
Id love to have someone I could just hang around with in my room, having good conversations, fun or maybe a good soaking time..
I would love to have someone with whom I could sit by the fireside and with whom I could drink some hot chocolate when its cold, snowing and freezing outside..
Id love to have someone with whom I could watch the lion king or some other old films that are so much better than all the new stuff thats out now..
Id just love to have someone to share life, thoughts, desires and love!
Of course I can do all this stuff alone or with friends..it can also be good...but its something reli different!
life isnt easier when u have a partner..but its so good not to be alone..

save you..

take a breath,
I’ll pull myself together.
Just another step until I reach the door
you’ll never know the way,
it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
and there’s so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
if it takes you forever, I want you to know

when I hear your voice,
it’s drowning into whispers
you're just skin and bones
there’s nothing left to take
and no matter what I do
I can’t make you feel better
if only I could find the answer
to help me understand

that if you fall, stumble down,
I’ll pick you up off the ground.
If you lose faith in you,
I’ll give you strength to pull through.
Tell me you won’t give up,
cause I’ll be waiting here if you fall
you know I’ll be there for you
if only I could find the answer,
to take it all away
(Simple Plan - Save you)


Im so sorry for u and I know I cant really help u..
It hurts my soul to see u unhappy and Im trying to find a way to help u and to make u feel good..at least for a day...but it feels like there would be NOTHING I could do for u and thats what makes me sad!
I just wanna show u how much u mean to me and how much I like u and that u are someone Ill NEVER ever let down (Im trying to), becos u are one of those people Ive never really been disappointed of, even if I dont even know why..
u are so wonderful and precious...why cant u just see it???

conclusions!

shocking conclusions today!
went for a walk, felt very uncontent..didnt even know why?
sat down under a tree..waiting..talkin to God.
after half an hour still felt uncontent. but I went back..on the way back I just realized some things:
we people are so STUPID sometimes! we are here on this earth to live in community, to help each other. what do u think why here on this earth are billions of people? because we are not created to go alone. and how is it?
everyone lives his own life! everyone just cares about himself, noone opens his eyes to see where he could help somebody else whos in need! the first thing that need to be done is to safe yourself..everybody else can wait! oh how I hate this behaviour!!
How come that "friends" do not care any longer about u when they find a partner?? easy answer: they are fully occupied...with themselves and of course with their partner. Time for friends?? sorry, not enough time!
I always ask myself if I was like that too? or if I will be when I someday find the right man? if i would be like that too Id like to stay single all life long, cos I dont wanna neglect my friends..
I think were here to fight together, encourage each other, help each other, talk to each other, live LOVE. what happened to this world? what happened to its people??

2nd shocking conclusion.
theres this one senctence from a song that says "I havent got a choice anymore, the world is too far away from me now. Havent got a choice, youre [jesus] the only one who offers a life thats really worth it"
I always sang this song and thought "yeah thats just the way it is!!"...today I stood there and thought about it..and I realized: Im not yet too far away from the world to turn back to old life. Im on the edge. Ive got exactly 3 choices:
1st choice: I take one step further. then I would take a step over the edge and wont turn back.
2nd choice: I take a step back. that would mean that d turn back to old life, old habits.
3rd choice: doing nothing. would mean that nothing would change for the moment..Im safe on my place on the edge.
what I definitely not want is taking a step back. I hate my old life, I hate what happened and I dont wanna fall back to old habits that just brought me down and made my life feel like a big bunch of shit!
Id like to take a step further with god. so that Im on the way of life with him. (Im on the way of life with him now too but that would be radical). But Im not really ready. I tried to and I failed becos I realized Im just not ready.
so theres only one thing I can do. standing still. what doesnt mean that Im gonna sit down in my room now doing nothing.
Ill continue praying for an hour everyday without music and without anything else..Ill continue fighting (because theres nothing else I could do). Ill continue searching God and going the way he prepared. Ill continue searching for my way.
and the best thing about it: Ive got time. becos the lord gives me enough time to make decisions..and when the day comes when Ill take the step further this decision is made. its well thought-out. its done!
but he gives me enough time..the time Ill need to make important decisions.
and after I realized that...I was content and calm.

breakin out - NOW!

Wann faellt der tropfen der das Fass zum ueberlaufen bringt?
wo bleibt der schmerz der die schmerzgrenze uebersteigt?
wo bleibt die Last die mein knie zum beugen bringt?
Damit ich vor dir meinem Herrn zerbreche.

es kommt die zeit,
mach mich bereit
zum ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit

Ich hab ja keine andre wahl mehr
denn die welt liegt schon zu weit von mir zurueck.
hab ja keine andere wahl mehr
du nur gibst das Leben das sich wirklich lohnt.
(Samuel Harfst - Ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit)


yeah thats what I want..out of this middlingness..into a life thats everything but middling.
I have enough from this daily grind..every day the same shit..whats this for?
I wanna reach my goals but it seems like Im rather running away from them..thats pretty depressing..
I dont know what I should do, the only thing that comes to my mind is fighting!
Fighting for my wishes and dreams. And trust! Trust in the lord that hes with me and that he still has everything in his hand.
And if fighting means that I have to learn business stuff all day and night long until it comes out of my ears, nose and mouth again - I will do. And I wont stop until Im through this shit here..I wont stop because Im strong..strong through christ and nothings gonna hold me down.
And if trust means that Ill have to sit in front of a wall 24 hours doing NOTHING, eatin nothing, drinkin nothing, no music, just silence, nothing but sitting there, staring and praying and TRUSTING that ANYTHING happens - I will do!
If thats what I need to do - going into some extremities - I will do!
because if thats the only thing that brings me to that f****n goal I wanna reach I have no other chance..
and Im gonna start NOW.immediately. with learning and learning and learning..

this life...

our DOMINO service today was nice.
I really enjoyed doing the worship because it felt like god wouldnt care about how it sounds like or if we play all the songs perfect but he looks after our heart and why we do this.
and I had my debut with my djembe.
it was quite funny because first I just felt like the biggest fool ever and I wasnt able to sing and to drum at the same time.
but after some songs it was easier just to join the music and I think it was okay..it wasnt good but it was okay, and thats enough for the first time in my opinion..Im still learning :)
the sermon was good because I recognized a few things I do wrong in my everyday life..and those things need to be changed..and I know that I CAN change them if god helps me to.
But theres something that makes me feel a bit wistful..:
summers over..! really over! Im really not a big fan of the winter..its cold, its grey and to be honest it just seems like the world is dead.
I dont like it..and summer was wonderful! even if I hadnt sun all the time..that wasnt important..i just had such a good time and some really wonderful people around me. and Im really thankful for all those wonderful experiences..
But I dont wanna go into this winter with negative thinking..I wanna live through the winter as happy as through the summer because Ive got a reason to be happy: Jesus loves me!
Im lookin foreward to this life, because God has a plan and a way for me..hes got everything in his hands and I know that there are some challenges, experiences, sad times but also good times in the future..he guides me and hes taking every single step with me..hell never let go of me..

und der herr tut auch heute noch wunder, stunde um stunde, tag fuer tag!!

thats just the way it is!! hes doing some miracles every and every day! hes my provider..he REALLY is!!

its a beautiful day...

its a beautiful day...the sun is shining and its a bit warmer than the last days..it brightens my mood because I hate that coldness when I know that we actually still have summer.
and now its weekend, and Im so glad about that..the last week was very exhausting..always running around, doing lots of stuff for school..I know that I have to learn this weekend and that I have to do my homework..but I really really hope to get some time for my lovely daddy. because my days were just too busy to take some time, and thats not okay. I really wanna spend some time with god and I need it..but its really difficult to find some freetime at the moment..of course I know hes with me in school and everywhere and I talk to him like i do with friends..but its something different to take some extra time..
Im just trying to make the best out of my situation in school..Im trying to understand, Im trying to do my homework and Im even trying to follow the lessons and talk some quality stuff there..
its hard because it still feels like Im a prisoner there..and still it feels like I wouldnt belong here..
But Im trying to give my best in this last year and Im trying to reach the abitur..if Im not good enough its okay..because I know I gave everything..
Still I miss u and still I feel very lost without u..still I dont how to forget u and the time we shared..but theres nothing I can do but wait..even if I hate waiting..maybe I should train to be patient..
So now Im gonna do my business studies homework and Im gonna go for a walk because I really wanna get out into the sun to spend some time with the highest and the greatest!
thank u for this wonderful day Lord!

saying yes...but how???

it gets harder every and every day..school is terrible..I feel like I´m almost alone there because no one understands anything. everyday without u gets more and more lonely and it feels like noone understands.
everyday I see my friend and her boyfriend..and they are so happy..and I´m happy for them but it hurts to see them because I know that I´ve been that happy too one and a half year ago..
I hate thinking about that you lied to me, I hate that you "betrayed" me, and I hate that I gave myself up for u. slowly and in a way that nobody realized (even I didnt)..but just as slowly as I lost myself I figure it out...and I´m trying to get back to the start of everything, so that I can start again, new, clean, and without u on my mind.
without ANYONE of u in my mind because I dont need you..because you are my past!
Yesterday when I heard the sermon which was about saying yes to every single day I felt like I´d like to run out of this room. This guy talked about living TODAY. not in the future and not in the past. and thats where I see my fault: some things of the past really enchain me and I´m trying so hard to let them go..and it doesnt work! why? because one more time I try it all by myself. even if I know that I´m not able to let go.
And I also live in the future..oh goodnes, how I wish that it would be august 2009 so that I can finally leave this place behind me to start something new...
I try to plan things I just cant plan and it makes me tired because I see that it doesnt work out how I would like it to..
and I really wanted to say yes to today..but I´m just not able to...because when u wake up and the first thing you think is "oh no..school again..the first thing I do when I come home is going to bed again"..this is not very open-minded and hearted for this day..but I just hate sitting there and listening to some stupid teachers who tell me things I already knew or I dont wanna know...
and I hate it to feel like I would be in the wrong place..
I dont know how to say yes to this day..the only thing I can do is lay it down into the hands of jesus..because he is stronger and he is in control when I am not!
I freakin miss you but I´ve got that feeling that God tells me its in vain..maybe thats just what I tell myself..I dont know it yet..but thats not very encouraging..because u are someone special..and I dont want it to be in vain...

why are some things soooo hard???

it´s sooooo depressing..
the only light I saw at the end of this dark time called "school-time until the end of october" was to fly to Bristol in my holidays...
and whats now? every damn flight straight to bristol costs about 200 euro (I´m sorry I´m not a millionaire!!!???), and every flight to london stansted I could pay hasn´t got a busline that fits into the times of the flights..
well I could sleep at the airport in london, great idea isn´t it??
it reaaally frustrates me because I was sooo lookin foreward to get back to britain..it fucks me up...BULLSHIT!!
I´m out! maybe I should start a 24/7 prayer-time to see some miracles...

Living for your glory

What good is it to gain the whole world, but lose your soul?
What good is it to make a sweet sound, but remain proud?
In view of God’s mercy, I offer my all

And take my life, let it be everything, all of me
Here I am, use me for Your glory
In everything I say and do, let my life honor You
Here I am living for Your glory

The road I’m on that leads nowhere without You
And the life I live that finds meaning and surrender
In view of God’s mercy, I offer my all

Seeking first the Kingdom
Seeking first the Kingdom of my Lord
(Tim Hughes - Living for your glory)


oh yes..I want that God takes my whole life to use it for his glory..
what job could I find in this world that is better?
I love how Gord leads my life and guides me through EVERYTHING I have to go through...
couldn´t imagine that my life has ever been so wonderful and also exciting!
everyday there´s something new that God has for me..
and I dont want it to end..I want it to go on and on and on..
I long for more of you lord..I´m yearning for you to use me for kingdom-work!

how marvelous...

...how wonderful and my song shall ever be:
how marvelous
how wonderful
is my saviours love for me!

thank you jesus...
you really listen to me..you fullfill my wishes..you´re always there, you love me like nobody else.
you are really wonderful lord..thank you, thank you jesus!
Amen!

God is using me..

so what I do at the moment is hangin around here, eating salt and vinegar crisps, drinkin some tea with milk, eating some chocolate from there, listening to easeful music and thinking about all that God will do in the future..just like I did when I was in england..
it´s kinda stupid to do what I do because it doesnt make sense..I only get fat if I go on like this ;)
but there´s nothing I could do instead cos I just feel to lazy..it´s a bit crazy, I went to bed today at 5 am..and I slept till 2pm..that´s not really a good rythm for sleep..
and that´s how I feel..out of rythm..
it´s a really strange feeling to be "at home" but in fact you know that you just don´t feel like home because you left home yesterday..oh goodness, what the hell am I talking??

I know God has a big plan for me..
I know that the first step of my plan for the future will be to go to england. But what I can´t say (and I´m almost glad about that) is how long I wanna stay there.
Maybe I find a job that I really wanna do there..so if that would happen I would stay there. because there are a lot of things to do and to learn..
the funny thing is that I have a lot of things and people here that I really really love from my heart. and I´m thankful that I have them and that God gave me SO MUCH!
but I know if they are real friends they will still be friends when I´m in england. so there´s no need to stay here..I could come back whenever I want...that´s whats such a blessing.
I´m not handcuffed here...there´s nothing that really enchains me here..
so I´m free to go wherever I want and how long I want.
God showed me that EVERYWHERE in this world you can find awesome and lovely people. I´ll never be alone. and even if there would NOBODY, god is always with me, whatever I do, wherever I go.
I know I wanna help hopeless people. I know I wanna give love to this heartless and loveless world! I wanna show people that there is someone who always loves them.
I wanna show people that it´s worth living..
I wanna tell them my story because God took me out of the mudd and the dirt and placed me directly into his light! he took all the bullshit off my life and he gave me a new one that is clean and justified through him.
I wanna go to the streets where the people are who have NOTHING. and I wanna give them something..I wanna go to the lost and lonely places where are the people who did many things wrong and who aren´t loved by ANYONE.
I wanna go to the people that are hurt because there were other people in their lives who hurt them.
I´m sure god will use me..in any way..I don´t know how, I don´t know where and I don´t know when..but I´m sure he WILL!!

Momentum 08 - more that just a camp..

so I´ve been to soul-survivor momentum08 in Great Britain the last 6 days..
and what to say? one more time I just have to admit that my Lord is the only one who gives me more than anyone and anything else in this world!
What I experienced there was awesome! and it was not only god..
it was the people! The first night we stayed at a familys house in salisbury..and they just took all of us - 9 people - and they really gave us a home for that one day. they said we should feel like home, they cooked us awesome meal and gave us some typical british stuff to eat ;) they so took care of us, I never experienced something like that before. It was just like we would belong to their family, and for them it seemed to be the most usual thing ever. and it wasn´t just that family that was like that. It was also Phil Kelly, who is such an impressing person to me! we went to his house to eat some lunch together today (well, at this time I should rather say yesterday). and he´s such a person of love and kindness..! WOW! It was John who came to follow our group and just shared all his stuff with us and it was a nice man standing outside the late night worship - just being kind and full of love.

of course I also had my struggles, just like I have them all the time ;)
Had a hard evening at..I don´t know, I guess it was saturday or something..where I just realized one more time in my life that I´ve always been the one who´s been wasted in relationships..
and that´s nothing I say just because I feel like that poor little girl that needs some attention for that..I just say it because it´s a fact.
It´s always been the same..wheter they betrayed me, they lied to me or they fooled me..I´ve always been the one who was down after all of those "relationships"..of course I did some things wrong too..well who´s perfect?
but well, that evening I really asked myself, and also God why all that stuff always happens to me?
that somebody I fully trusted just throwed away the gift I made him..that hurts a lot - because it feels like he would´ve thrown YOU away! so I first didn´t wanted to get to the front to get some prayer..but at the end I couldn´t do anything against it, it was just like God pulled me there. And folks, it hurt like hell..I stood there crying like I never did before while someone prays for me..it was almost a screaming out..but it was the healing..it set me free.
well I know I´m not fully free..until I reach that point some other things need to happen..but it´s really like I get free everytime a bit more when I bring it to God..it´s a process..but it works..and I´m sure I will be fully free someday..because Jesus SETS FREE!!

there were also one experience I never made before..we prayed for healing and because kaddis finger hurt we just prayed for it..and what happened? the pain was away..there was NO MORE PAIN! the same evening when EVERYTHING was very silent just because all the people prayed for each other I just needed to start to laugh..and I laughed so hardly, guys, you wouldn´t believe that..and I just couldn´t stop. there was no way to stop that..it was really embarassing because everyone was lookin at me, and as Alex, Julia and Kaddi just started to laugh too there was no turning back..some people around us started too and the joy of us for our god went through the whole tent..that was really crazy!

of course there were also a few things that didn´t worked out like I wished..but that´s something between god and me, I won´t tell you that ;)
there´s only one thing: I don´t understand what´s the sense in what happened (or happened not)..but I know that there IS a sense..because I know God has a plan..and he WILL make something out of it..whatever it will be..


last but definately not least there´s one fact I´m now even more sure about than before I travelled to england..
I realized that it´s not very difficult to feel like home there. Most of the people are really friendly and open-hearted..so full of love. that impresses me a lot..and that´s what I wanna try to take with me back here to germany..if I wanna be that pure love-giver I just need to give love..that´s not very difficult to understand ;) but it shouldn´t be a love that is given by my conscience, it should come straight from my heart because I wanna love the church of God..and I also wanna love the people that doesn´t belong to God. I don´t wanna make a difference..because God loves them all..EVERYONE of them!
that´s the one thing, and the other is that I really ended up with the thought that I REALLY NEED TO GO TO BRISTOL, and if I could, I would pack my bags, I would fly to Bristol, yeah even if it would be tomorrow, I´d fly there and I would STAY there..as long as I want to stay there and as long as GOD wants me to.
what I haven´t got is money..that´s the only thing..I know God is my provider..I wanna trust him, and if it´s possible in any way then I´d go there this year just to start the school this september. As it seems from Phils side there´s no problem with me coming there..because today (sorry, yesterday ;) he told me "that the answer is YES!" and if the answer is yes, there´s nothing more that holds me back.
THAT´S IT what steals my sleep now because all I can think about is that I´m here and I really don´t wanna be here..all I can think about is that I want to be in one place, because that´s what my heart is really longing for..
it might sound crazy but..all the time today- when I sat in the car when we were driving to the london stansted airport - when I sat in that plain that took me back to germany from the place I long to be - when I landed in karlsruhe and took my baggage - when I drove back home and when I arrived here..ALL THE TIME I had the feeling that I just forgot something in Great Britain...I couldn´t explain myself what it should be because I´m sure I packed in everything. When I stood outside praying with kaddi the scales fell from my eyes: What I forgot in Great Britain was my HEART!

I hate it to be scared about the future

ich komm mir schon etwas bekloppt dabei vor hier um viertel 3 nachts (morgens) am PC zu sitzen und topfit zu sein..ich kann nich schlafen das is abnormal..
ich glaub ich werd jetz anfangen zu packen (ja ich weiss ich bin schlecht, ich habs wirklich immernoch nicht getan).irgendwie fuehl ich mich heute wirklich komisch..
ich bin traurig..weil immernoch weh tut.weil ich mich hilflos fuehl und nicht weiss was ich tun kann und soll.ich kann keinen tee mehr riechen und keine hustenbonbons mehr schmecken..es macht mich krank!
ich weiss da ist n weg! n weg mit gott! der weg wird toll! das problem ist nur dass ich ihn im moment nicht sehe weil ich nicht genau weiss wo ich hinlaufen soll..es ist schwer...nicht zu wissen wo man rauskommen wird weil man gar nicht genau weiss wo man hin will..und wenn man weiss wo man hin will weiss man nicht wie man hinkommen soll. denn alles kostet geld.und ich hab keins.
eigentlich wuerde ich gern von daheim ausziehen..in ne wg oder so.
ich bin mir ziemlich sicher dadurch wuerden einige differenzen verschwinden und vieles waere vllt einfacher.aber woher das geld nhemen?
ich wuerde gerne an so viele orte gehen. aber wie soll ich da hinkommen. ohne geld? geht nich.
gut, wie bekommt man geld..durch arbeiten. was braucht man zum arbeiten? zeit. hab ich die? NEIN! wie denn auch bei der haufen an scheisse den ich in dieser wunderbaren schule so vor mir hab!? ich weiss mein entschluss war und ist es auch immernoch nach den ferien die 13.1 zu bestreiten und fuer meinen scheiss BWL kurz zu kaempfen. ich hab mir vorgenommen ich werd alle Hebel in bewegung setzen. im moment hab ich nur ein problem:
wenn ich daran denke dass ich nach den ferien wieder in diese anstalt muss dann bekomm ich einfach nur das kotzen! ich HASSE es! ich habe nie etwas mehr gehasst als das! wirklich es ist der alptraum auf erden! eigentlich will ich nicht...
ich hab jetzt 6 wochen zeit so weit zu kommen dass ich neue motivation schoepfen kann..wie das gehen soll weiss ich auch nicht..aber ich werd viel ruhe und zeit fuer mich mit gott brauchen um da hinzukommen..nur so koennte es unter umstaenden funktionieren..wenn es das nicht tut..dann hab ich n problem!

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

so I´m holding on (I´m still holding)

I´m holding on, I´m barely holding on to you

wanna run away...

for here and now I feel so fucked up..
I miss you..I really really miss you..and it does not feel like it´s getting better soon..
and how hard it is, but I don´t think it would be better if we would still be together..there´s no chance to be happy..not with you..and also not without you!
it feels like everything I have been holding on to is just broken and splittered to a thousand pieces..
holding on to you was like holding on to nothing!
so that´s one more proof that the only thing I should hold on to is god, because everything else is fleeting..but even that is hard at the moment..god where are you?
I wanna seek you but I can´t find you because I just can´t get silent, I can´t get calm..I´m thinking too much!
maybe I should write a song to get it out of my mind..but I just don´t feel like it because that actually makes it even worse...I felt alone in hamburg because I felt lost in that fucking city and I hate it! but here I don´t feel different at all..sitting in my room, staring into the sky or at the wall but I can´t find something that would help me..listening to depressing music..and the only thing I wish is to get away from here...jesus please just take me away..I NEED TO RUN AWAY!

Hamburg..

well I´m back from Hamburg..and I´m more than glad about that..
well nice city..but not for me!
it´s too big, too dirty, too loud and the people are very busy..they are so elegant..they drive big expensive cars..the u-bahn station is very confusing and EVERYTHING´s just too big and too confusing..I never thought I could say I´m glad to come back to owen, but really: I AM!!
whatever..now I´m here again and it´s not much better than one week ago..Still feel empty and doon´t know what to do..I hadn´t much time for myself in Hamburg..I hadn´t time to think about some things and I couldn´t make decisions I should make as fast as I can..
I went to St. Pauli two times..and it shocked me..I knew that there would be a lot of sex-stuff..but I didn´t know it´s that hard! ugly..I´m sorry but really..
I´ve been at the Timmendorfer beach, and it was really awesome..first time after 3 years that I´ve been at the sea..what a feeling..for a few hours I really felt good..
back here everythings just like before..but I´m lookin foreward to domino tomorrow because katrin´s gonna preach and I´m sure it will be awesome!
And yes, Jesus really loves me..cos two days ago, on thursday I wrote samu if there´s a chance to go to the zeltstadt as staff member..and hey, it´s really possible..the funny thing is that zeltstart begins at sunday next week..I didn´t really believe that I would have a chance..but I will be there and it´s soooo good to know that! Thanks God!!!