saying yes...but how???

it gets harder every and every day..school is terrible..I feel like I´m almost alone there because no one understands anything. everyday without u gets more and more lonely and it feels like noone understands.
everyday I see my friend and her boyfriend..and they are so happy..and I´m happy for them but it hurts to see them because I know that I´ve been that happy too one and a half year ago..
I hate thinking about that you lied to me, I hate that you "betrayed" me, and I hate that I gave myself up for u. slowly and in a way that nobody realized (even I didnt)..but just as slowly as I lost myself I figure it out...and I´m trying to get back to the start of everything, so that I can start again, new, clean, and without u on my mind.
without ANYONE of u in my mind because I dont need you..because you are my past!
Yesterday when I heard the sermon which was about saying yes to every single day I felt like I´d like to run out of this room. This guy talked about living TODAY. not in the future and not in the past. and thats where I see my fault: some things of the past really enchain me and I´m trying so hard to let them go..and it doesnt work! why? because one more time I try it all by myself. even if I know that I´m not able to let go.
And I also live in the future..oh goodnes, how I wish that it would be august 2009 so that I can finally leave this place behind me to start something new...
I try to plan things I just cant plan and it makes me tired because I see that it doesnt work out how I would like it to..
and I really wanted to say yes to today..but I´m just not able to...because when u wake up and the first thing you think is "oh no..school again..the first thing I do when I come home is going to bed again"..this is not very open-minded and hearted for this day..but I just hate sitting there and listening to some stupid teachers who tell me things I already knew or I dont wanna know...
and I hate it to feel like I would be in the wrong place..
I dont know how to say yes to this day..the only thing I can do is lay it down into the hands of jesus..because he is stronger and he is in control when I am not!
I freakin miss you but I´ve got that feeling that God tells me its in vain..maybe thats just what I tell myself..I dont know it yet..but thats not very encouraging..because u are someone special..and I dont want it to be in vain...