a lot of stuff to think about...

its a bit difficult to describe my situation at the moment..
I feel a bit lost sometimes...lost in world thats too big for me and lost in things to do I dont wanna do and that are just too hard sometimes..
I know and I realize every and every day again that noone understands how hard it is for me to get into this school. noone sees how much I really really hate it deep inside..! how should they understand? theyve got their own problems and theyve never been there...so what do I expect?
whatever..
Today Ive been to goeppingen to the prophetic evening with stefan driess..
I expected to hear anything from god about my life becos I think Ive never been that planless in my life before..something else noone could understand becos everyone just sees me going to school and thinks Im gonna do that until september, which Im not very sure about.
so I sat there waiting and as it seems the lord hasnt got to say something to me. what do I think about that? I dont know..
what I definitely know is one thing: I arrived there with high expectations but I also realized at the beginning of the worship time that Im so fidgety and agitated inside of me that there was no sense in doing worship becos I wouldnt have done it from my heart.
so I just sat on my chair and prayed and talked to god and thought about some things. I prayed for calmness and peace inside of me. It took a while to get to the point were I at least felt able to worship God. So one last song was left to do that.
But it was good so I could fully concentrate at the things stefan told. and there was some useful information that gave me some inspiration to think about the next days..
its all a bit difficult becos I dont know where exactly god likes me to be..i have a good life here as long as I can spend some time with friends or experience some new things..but as soon as school comes to my mind I start to hate it..and I hate it most when school gets into the time I normally would spend with friends (for example the lunch time on monday where Im probably no longer gonna go becos I have not enough time..). that hurts my soul.
I have to find my way and I know that its my job from this day on to search for it. Im gonna try out some different things (as much as its possible) and Im gonna find out where Im right and which is probably not right for me. becos Im sure god will show me what is right and what isnt.
maybe he doesnt want to show me becos he wants me to find out by myself..and Im gonna do that..
after a few days I really feel content inside of my heart becos I really heard some good stuff today and I think I know what I have to do now..so actually I think god told me what he wanted to tell me ;) maybe not the way I expected, but what would our God be for a god if he would act like we expect him to?
Ill keep my eyes open and Ill go on fighting and Ill make the best out of it.
there was also a picture a woman had which I thought could fit to my situation.
she talked about a girl who sits in a prison . and she brought herself in that prison by herself. becos she lost a loved person and that made her grow colder ot better she just turned away from god a bit...but theres only one thing that can get her out of this prison - GOD, the holy spirit.
yeah damn fuck I lost a loved person and I still love that person in any way but not as it was and it shouldnt be like it was but it HURT so much to lose him. and I cried out in pain a hundred times and I couldnt understand why always me..I didnt blame god but I blamed myself and so I just started hiding these feelings..before the world, before god, before myself. the only time I came out were those moments when I was very weak and not strong enough to hide.
and Im gonna go out of my own prison into the light of God with the help of his spirit that makes me strong. Im not interested in wasting my time with things like sitting inside of my own built prison. Ive got much better things to do..
and I think I know now on which direction my step will go.
Im not interested in taking a step back. Im also not interested to stand still and to do nothing. I decided to take the step into gods holiness. maybe its not gonna be one big step and Im over there..I think its gonna be two or three little steps but Ill reach that place of gods holiness.
Im not lookin back now..Im going on..on and on without U on my mind.