whatever I did (I cant remember) Im ill now..-.-
that means I sit at home, reading, lying in bed, waiting that something happens, blowing my nose, drinking some tea...isnt that a boring life? wonderful, I couldnt imagine anything thats more wonderful..
and I ask myself how I should get through this horrible examination tomorrow?? I dont know..but actually I dont care..well I do care but just half-hearted..whatever..
yesterday when I was lying on my bed thinking my life through I realized which date it was...29th of september..when I realized that I wondered if I should cry or if I should laugh about it..
exactly two years ago at the 29th september I had a conversation that destroyed my heart. after that I ruined my life for months and ran away from god, pretending he wouldnt exist...
it was a really horrible time..when I think about it today Im not sure what to think about it. I think it was a very important time in my life where god teached me a lot, even when I felt like he wouldnt even be there.
its strange that ONE conversation can destroy EVERYTHING inside of u..maybe it wouldnt be like that today but 2 years ago it was exactly like this..
"not that bad" I think today..becos when I look at the circumstances with this person today its okay! but nevertheless its a bit strange to think about all the things that happened two years ago..I changed a lot..and Im really glad about it..
so these days God has a few hard challenges for me to take..with a few I dont quite know how to handle them but Im sure hell show me..
im just back to that one sentence of the tim hughes song:
my soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see
but still my hope is found in you.
thats just the way it is..hes all my hope becos any other hope doesnt really exist..what I also find a bit strange is that the last few days I read about 4 times of fully trust in god, let security go and get free through this. I dont really know what I should do now..actually thats exactly the answer that I need..it tells everything and it affirms me in the thoughts I have..
but Im not ready..and Im not strong enough to let my security go..maybe I do not trust enough..but that would be hard step..becos if I would let it go..I would stand there without ANYTHING..what to do lord??
Dienstag, 30. September 2008
Montag, 29. September 2008
loss
u would never believe how much I loved u.
u would never understand what I gave to u.
u would never see what it all did to me
u would never be interested in what I think
becos ur a real egoist.
becos u dont even care how much u hurt me through all those things u say
becos u dont even wanna try to understand what im trying to tell u
now I know were better off alone.
were better off on our owns
becos by my side youll never be again
becos we would only hurt each other
we would only bring each other down
and it still hurts so much to let u go.
becos I know u and I love what I know
and I miss u and it hurts to miss YOU
we experienced so much
we shared a lot
we shared days, songs, tears
we shared one bed and one chair
we shared our lives - we shared everything!
I cant let go but I have to.
so its best to get it all out.
every memorie becos it hurts too much
every picture becos it makes me cry
every little thing that I never thought would mean anything to me
makes me cry and fall to the ground now becos youre away.
so far away..
never coming back..
please never come back!!
u would never understand what I gave to u.
u would never see what it all did to me
u would never be interested in what I think
becos ur a real egoist.
becos u dont even care how much u hurt me through all those things u say
becos u dont even wanna try to understand what im trying to tell u
now I know were better off alone.
were better off on our owns
becos by my side youll never be again
becos we would only hurt each other
we would only bring each other down
and it still hurts so much to let u go.
becos I know u and I love what I know
and I miss u and it hurts to miss YOU
we experienced so much
we shared a lot
we shared days, songs, tears
we shared one bed and one chair
we shared our lives - we shared everything!
I cant let go but I have to.
so its best to get it all out.
every memorie becos it hurts too much
every picture becos it makes me cry
every little thing that I never thought would mean anything to me
makes me cry and fall to the ground now becos youre away.
so far away..
never coming back..
please never come back!!
Sonntag, 28. September 2008
a lot of stuff to think about...
its a bit difficult to describe my situation at the moment..
I feel a bit lost sometimes...lost in world thats too big for me and lost in things to do I dont wanna do and that are just too hard sometimes..
I know and I realize every and every day again that noone understands how hard it is for me to get into this school. noone sees how much I really really hate it deep inside..! how should they understand? theyve got their own problems and theyve never been there...so what do I expect?
whatever..
Today Ive been to goeppingen to the prophetic evening with stefan driess..
I expected to hear anything from god about my life becos I think Ive never been that planless in my life before..something else noone could understand becos everyone just sees me going to school and thinks Im gonna do that until september, which Im not very sure about.
so I sat there waiting and as it seems the lord hasnt got to say something to me. what do I think about that? I dont know..
what I definitely know is one thing: I arrived there with high expectations but I also realized at the beginning of the worship time that Im so fidgety and agitated inside of me that there was no sense in doing worship becos I wouldnt have done it from my heart.
so I just sat on my chair and prayed and talked to god and thought about some things. I prayed for calmness and peace inside of me. It took a while to get to the point were I at least felt able to worship God. So one last song was left to do that.
But it was good so I could fully concentrate at the things stefan told. and there was some useful information that gave me some inspiration to think about the next days..
its all a bit difficult becos I dont know where exactly god likes me to be..i have a good life here as long as I can spend some time with friends or experience some new things..but as soon as school comes to my mind I start to hate it..and I hate it most when school gets into the time I normally would spend with friends (for example the lunch time on monday where Im probably no longer gonna go becos I have not enough time..). that hurts my soul.
I have to find my way and I know that its my job from this day on to search for it. Im gonna try out some different things (as much as its possible) and Im gonna find out where Im right and which is probably not right for me. becos Im sure god will show me what is right and what isnt.
maybe he doesnt want to show me becos he wants me to find out by myself..and Im gonna do that..
after a few days I really feel content inside of my heart becos I really heard some good stuff today and I think I know what I have to do now..so actually I think god told me what he wanted to tell me ;) maybe not the way I expected, but what would our God be for a god if he would act like we expect him to?
Ill keep my eyes open and Ill go on fighting and Ill make the best out of it.
there was also a picture a woman had which I thought could fit to my situation.
she talked about a girl who sits in a prison . and she brought herself in that prison by herself. becos she lost a loved person and that made her grow colder ot better she just turned away from god a bit...but theres only one thing that can get her out of this prison - GOD, the holy spirit.
yeah damn fuck I lost a loved person and I still love that person in any way but not as it was and it shouldnt be like it was but it HURT so much to lose him. and I cried out in pain a hundred times and I couldnt understand why always me..I didnt blame god but I blamed myself and so I just started hiding these feelings..before the world, before god, before myself. the only time I came out were those moments when I was very weak and not strong enough to hide.
and Im gonna go out of my own prison into the light of God with the help of his spirit that makes me strong. Im not interested in wasting my time with things like sitting inside of my own built prison. Ive got much better things to do..
and I think I know now on which direction my step will go.
Im not interested in taking a step back. Im also not interested to stand still and to do nothing. I decided to take the step into gods holiness. maybe its not gonna be one big step and Im over there..I think its gonna be two or three little steps but Ill reach that place of gods holiness.
Im not lookin back now..Im going on..on and on without U on my mind.
I feel a bit lost sometimes...lost in world thats too big for me and lost in things to do I dont wanna do and that are just too hard sometimes..
I know and I realize every and every day again that noone understands how hard it is for me to get into this school. noone sees how much I really really hate it deep inside..! how should they understand? theyve got their own problems and theyve never been there...so what do I expect?
whatever..
Today Ive been to goeppingen to the prophetic evening with stefan driess..
I expected to hear anything from god about my life becos I think Ive never been that planless in my life before..something else noone could understand becos everyone just sees me going to school and thinks Im gonna do that until september, which Im not very sure about.
so I sat there waiting and as it seems the lord hasnt got to say something to me. what do I think about that? I dont know..
what I definitely know is one thing: I arrived there with high expectations but I also realized at the beginning of the worship time that Im so fidgety and agitated inside of me that there was no sense in doing worship becos I wouldnt have done it from my heart.
so I just sat on my chair and prayed and talked to god and thought about some things. I prayed for calmness and peace inside of me. It took a while to get to the point were I at least felt able to worship God. So one last song was left to do that.
But it was good so I could fully concentrate at the things stefan told. and there was some useful information that gave me some inspiration to think about the next days..
its all a bit difficult becos I dont know where exactly god likes me to be..i have a good life here as long as I can spend some time with friends or experience some new things..but as soon as school comes to my mind I start to hate it..and I hate it most when school gets into the time I normally would spend with friends (for example the lunch time on monday where Im probably no longer gonna go becos I have not enough time..). that hurts my soul.
I have to find my way and I know that its my job from this day on to search for it. Im gonna try out some different things (as much as its possible) and Im gonna find out where Im right and which is probably not right for me. becos Im sure god will show me what is right and what isnt.
maybe he doesnt want to show me becos he wants me to find out by myself..and Im gonna do that..
after a few days I really feel content inside of my heart becos I really heard some good stuff today and I think I know what I have to do now..so actually I think god told me what he wanted to tell me ;) maybe not the way I expected, but what would our God be for a god if he would act like we expect him to?
Ill keep my eyes open and Ill go on fighting and Ill make the best out of it.
there was also a picture a woman had which I thought could fit to my situation.
she talked about a girl who sits in a prison . and she brought herself in that prison by herself. becos she lost a loved person and that made her grow colder ot better she just turned away from god a bit...but theres only one thing that can get her out of this prison - GOD, the holy spirit.
yeah damn fuck I lost a loved person and I still love that person in any way but not as it was and it shouldnt be like it was but it HURT so much to lose him. and I cried out in pain a hundred times and I couldnt understand why always me..I didnt blame god but I blamed myself and so I just started hiding these feelings..before the world, before god, before myself. the only time I came out were those moments when I was very weak and not strong enough to hide.
and Im gonna go out of my own prison into the light of God with the help of his spirit that makes me strong. Im not interested in wasting my time with things like sitting inside of my own built prison. Ive got much better things to do..
and I think I know now on which direction my step will go.
Im not interested in taking a step back. Im also not interested to stand still and to do nothing. I decided to take the step into gods holiness. maybe its not gonna be one big step and Im over there..I think its gonna be two or three little steps but Ill reach that place of gods holiness.
Im not lookin back now..Im going on..on and on without U on my mind.
Freitag, 26. September 2008
conclusions!
shocking conclusions today!
went for a walk, felt very uncontent..didnt even know why?
sat down under a tree..waiting..talkin to God.
after half an hour still felt uncontent. but I went back..on the way back I just realized some things:
we people are so STUPID sometimes! we are here on this earth to live in community, to help each other. what do u think why here on this earth are billions of people? because we are not created to go alone. and how is it?
everyone lives his own life! everyone just cares about himself, noone opens his eyes to see where he could help somebody else whos in need! the first thing that need to be done is to safe yourself..everybody else can wait! oh how I hate this behaviour!!
How come that "friends" do not care any longer about u when they find a partner?? easy answer: they are fully occupied...with themselves and of course with their partner. Time for friends?? sorry, not enough time!
I always ask myself if I was like that too? or if I will be when I someday find the right man? if i would be like that too Id like to stay single all life long, cos I dont wanna neglect my friends..
I think were here to fight together, encourage each other, help each other, talk to each other, live LOVE. what happened to this world? what happened to its people??
2nd shocking conclusion.
theres this one senctence from a song that says "I havent got a choice anymore, the world is too far away from me now. Havent got a choice, youre [jesus] the only one who offers a life thats really worth it"
I always sang this song and thought "yeah thats just the way it is!!"...today I stood there and thought about it..and I realized: Im not yet too far away from the world to turn back to old life. Im on the edge. Ive got exactly 3 choices:
1st choice: I take one step further. then I would take a step over the edge and wont turn back.
2nd choice: I take a step back. that would mean that d turn back to old life, old habits.
3rd choice: doing nothing. would mean that nothing would change for the moment..Im safe on my place on the edge.
what I definitely not want is taking a step back. I hate my old life, I hate what happened and I dont wanna fall back to old habits that just brought me down and made my life feel like a big bunch of shit!
Id like to take a step further with god. so that Im on the way of life with him. (Im on the way of life with him now too but that would be radical). But Im not really ready. I tried to and I failed becos I realized Im just not ready.
so theres only one thing I can do. standing still. what doesnt mean that Im gonna sit down in my room now doing nothing.
Ill continue praying for an hour everyday without music and without anything else..Ill continue fighting (because theres nothing else I could do). Ill continue searching God and going the way he prepared. Ill continue searching for my way.
and the best thing about it: Ive got time. becos the lord gives me enough time to make decisions..and when the day comes when Ill take the step further this decision is made. its well thought-out. its done!
but he gives me enough time..the time Ill need to make important decisions.
and after I realized that...I was content and calm.
went for a walk, felt very uncontent..didnt even know why?
sat down under a tree..waiting..talkin to God.
after half an hour still felt uncontent. but I went back..on the way back I just realized some things:
we people are so STUPID sometimes! we are here on this earth to live in community, to help each other. what do u think why here on this earth are billions of people? because we are not created to go alone. and how is it?
everyone lives his own life! everyone just cares about himself, noone opens his eyes to see where he could help somebody else whos in need! the first thing that need to be done is to safe yourself..everybody else can wait! oh how I hate this behaviour!!
How come that "friends" do not care any longer about u when they find a partner?? easy answer: they are fully occupied...with themselves and of course with their partner. Time for friends?? sorry, not enough time!
I always ask myself if I was like that too? or if I will be when I someday find the right man? if i would be like that too Id like to stay single all life long, cos I dont wanna neglect my friends..
I think were here to fight together, encourage each other, help each other, talk to each other, live LOVE. what happened to this world? what happened to its people??
2nd shocking conclusion.
theres this one senctence from a song that says "I havent got a choice anymore, the world is too far away from me now. Havent got a choice, youre [jesus] the only one who offers a life thats really worth it"
I always sang this song and thought "yeah thats just the way it is!!"...today I stood there and thought about it..and I realized: Im not yet too far away from the world to turn back to old life. Im on the edge. Ive got exactly 3 choices:
1st choice: I take one step further. then I would take a step over the edge and wont turn back.
2nd choice: I take a step back. that would mean that d turn back to old life, old habits.
3rd choice: doing nothing. would mean that nothing would change for the moment..Im safe on my place on the edge.
what I definitely not want is taking a step back. I hate my old life, I hate what happened and I dont wanna fall back to old habits that just brought me down and made my life feel like a big bunch of shit!
Id like to take a step further with god. so that Im on the way of life with him. (Im on the way of life with him now too but that would be radical). But Im not really ready. I tried to and I failed becos I realized Im just not ready.
so theres only one thing I can do. standing still. what doesnt mean that Im gonna sit down in my room now doing nothing.
Ill continue praying for an hour everyday without music and without anything else..Ill continue fighting (because theres nothing else I could do). Ill continue searching God and going the way he prepared. Ill continue searching for my way.
and the best thing about it: Ive got time. becos the lord gives me enough time to make decisions..and when the day comes when Ill take the step further this decision is made. its well thought-out. its done!
but he gives me enough time..the time Ill need to make important decisions.
and after I realized that...I was content and calm.
Donnerstag, 25. September 2008
Im gonna break through
so I sit here in school having two hours free..
learned for one hour but Ive got the feeling it wasnt worth it...I dont now how to make it until monday..I really dont know..but Ill learn and learn and learn..
Ill do nothing but learning..except one thing:
Praying!
I really thought about sitting five hours in front of a wall..praying! and ill do that.
and Im gonna pray everyday at least one hour..and Im gonna go for a walk everyday..because when I went outside yesterday I just felt good after it..because I had some peace in my heart. and thats it what I realize every and every time I go for a walk...
And Im gonna read english books to improve my english...when this examination on monday is over.
Im gonna do useful things for my life. Im gonna clean up - my room and also my soul.
my room becos I need to throw away some things of the past. And my soul becos I need to get rid of old stuff and hurtings. get rid of the mad past becos it shouldnt enchain me in the presence..
thats what Im gonna do..and this time Im really gonna fight..becos this time Im strong enough to get through this all.
I want a clean life. I wanna be full of Gods love - PURE love and not mixed up with something mad! I wanna get radical in everything I do! Im goona break down the walls! Im gonna break through!!
learned for one hour but Ive got the feeling it wasnt worth it...I dont now how to make it until monday..I really dont know..but Ill learn and learn and learn..
Ill do nothing but learning..except one thing:
Praying!
I really thought about sitting five hours in front of a wall..praying! and ill do that.
and Im gonna pray everyday at least one hour..and Im gonna go for a walk everyday..because when I went outside yesterday I just felt good after it..because I had some peace in my heart. and thats it what I realize every and every time I go for a walk...
And Im gonna read english books to improve my english...when this examination on monday is over.
Im gonna do useful things for my life. Im gonna clean up - my room and also my soul.
my room becos I need to throw away some things of the past. And my soul becos I need to get rid of old stuff and hurtings. get rid of the mad past becos it shouldnt enchain me in the presence..
thats what Im gonna do..and this time Im really gonna fight..becos this time Im strong enough to get through this all.
I want a clean life. I wanna be full of Gods love - PURE love and not mixed up with something mad! I wanna get radical in everything I do! Im goona break down the walls! Im gonna break through!!
Mittwoch, 24. September 2008
breakin out - NOW!
Wann faellt der tropfen der das Fass zum ueberlaufen bringt?
wo bleibt der schmerz der die schmerzgrenze uebersteigt?
wo bleibt die Last die mein knie zum beugen bringt?
Damit ich vor dir meinem Herrn zerbreche.
es kommt die zeit,
mach mich bereit
zum ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit
Ich hab ja keine andre wahl mehr
denn die welt liegt schon zu weit von mir zurueck.
hab ja keine andere wahl mehr
du nur gibst das Leben das sich wirklich lohnt.
(Samuel Harfst - Ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit)
yeah thats what I want..out of this middlingness..into a life thats everything but middling.
I have enough from this daily grind..every day the same shit..whats this for?
I wanna reach my goals but it seems like Im rather running away from them..thats pretty depressing..
I dont know what I should do, the only thing that comes to my mind is fighting!
Fighting for my wishes and dreams. And trust! Trust in the lord that hes with me and that he still has everything in his hand.
And if fighting means that I have to learn business stuff all day and night long until it comes out of my ears, nose and mouth again - I will do. And I wont stop until Im through this shit here..I wont stop because Im strong..strong through christ and nothings gonna hold me down.
And if trust means that Ill have to sit in front of a wall 24 hours doing NOTHING, eatin nothing, drinkin nothing, no music, just silence, nothing but sitting there, staring and praying and TRUSTING that ANYTHING happens - I will do!
If thats what I need to do - going into some extremities - I will do!
because if thats the only thing that brings me to that f****n goal I wanna reach I have no other chance..
and Im gonna start NOW.immediately. with learning and learning and learning..
wo bleibt der schmerz der die schmerzgrenze uebersteigt?
wo bleibt die Last die mein knie zum beugen bringt?
Damit ich vor dir meinem Herrn zerbreche.
es kommt die zeit,
mach mich bereit
zum ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit
Ich hab ja keine andre wahl mehr
denn die welt liegt schon zu weit von mir zurueck.
hab ja keine andere wahl mehr
du nur gibst das Leben das sich wirklich lohnt.
(Samuel Harfst - Ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit)
yeah thats what I want..out of this middlingness..into a life thats everything but middling.
I have enough from this daily grind..every day the same shit..whats this for?
I wanna reach my goals but it seems like Im rather running away from them..thats pretty depressing..
I dont know what I should do, the only thing that comes to my mind is fighting!
Fighting for my wishes and dreams. And trust! Trust in the lord that hes with me and that he still has everything in his hand.
And if fighting means that I have to learn business stuff all day and night long until it comes out of my ears, nose and mouth again - I will do. And I wont stop until Im through this shit here..I wont stop because Im strong..strong through christ and nothings gonna hold me down.
And if trust means that Ill have to sit in front of a wall 24 hours doing NOTHING, eatin nothing, drinkin nothing, no music, just silence, nothing but sitting there, staring and praying and TRUSTING that ANYTHING happens - I will do!
If thats what I need to do - going into some extremities - I will do!
because if thats the only thing that brings me to that f****n goal I wanna reach I have no other chance..
and Im gonna start NOW.immediately. with learning and learning and learning..
inpatience...
Im just a bit angry at the moment because NOTHING works out how I wish at the moment.
Im sitting here and actually i should learn something becos I write business studies on monday..but I really cant concentrate on that shit even if I really try to..and its sooo boring..who wants to know this stuff???
in addition I wanted to fly to manchester in october to visit a wonderful person but how should it be?? Im not allowed to..because its sooooo stupid to go to england twice within 3 months..it makes me angry becos thats the only place I wanna be at the moment and its a deep wish to go there.
I mean, Im really thankful about all the stuff that happens here at the mom..
on sunday stefan driess will come to goeppingen and there will be a prophetic evening and Im really lookin foreward to this..the sunday after that there will be domino again and I like domino and Im thankful that Ive got a church like this..and Im thankful that I can be a part of it and that I can help to let it grow..and sunday in 3 weeks were gonna go to the jesus treff to stuttgart which is also very good, I enjoyed it the last time ive been there..
and Ive got some wonderful friends here who support me all the time and I really really love them..but i ask myself if its a tall order just to try to experience some new things or to wanna see the world.
Im stuck here and thats the fact that pisses me off..I know that I should fix my eyes on jesus and that I should just try to do here what i can do..and Im really trying to make the best out of it..but its a bit hard when I always fix on that I actually dont wanna be here..maybe I should really start to realize that I live HERE and NOW. and not that I live UNFORTUNETELY here...because that makes it so depressing to be here, to live here, to do anything..
I should just accept that Ill come back to england sometime, when god thinks that its time to come back..maybe thats in winter, maybe thats next summer (where I will definitely get back there)..or what do I know..his plan is bigger, he has everythin in his hands and hes got another timetable as I have...why am I always in hurry? is hould train to be more patient..comes time, comes Gods working..
Im sitting here and actually i should learn something becos I write business studies on monday..but I really cant concentrate on that shit even if I really try to..and its sooo boring..who wants to know this stuff???
in addition I wanted to fly to manchester in october to visit a wonderful person but how should it be?? Im not allowed to..because its sooooo stupid to go to england twice within 3 months..it makes me angry becos thats the only place I wanna be at the moment and its a deep wish to go there.
I mean, Im really thankful about all the stuff that happens here at the mom..
on sunday stefan driess will come to goeppingen and there will be a prophetic evening and Im really lookin foreward to this..the sunday after that there will be domino again and I like domino and Im thankful that Ive got a church like this..and Im thankful that I can be a part of it and that I can help to let it grow..and sunday in 3 weeks were gonna go to the jesus treff to stuttgart which is also very good, I enjoyed it the last time ive been there..
and Ive got some wonderful friends here who support me all the time and I really really love them..but i ask myself if its a tall order just to try to experience some new things or to wanna see the world.
Im stuck here and thats the fact that pisses me off..I know that I should fix my eyes on jesus and that I should just try to do here what i can do..and Im really trying to make the best out of it..but its a bit hard when I always fix on that I actually dont wanna be here..maybe I should really start to realize that I live HERE and NOW. and not that I live UNFORTUNETELY here...because that makes it so depressing to be here, to live here, to do anything..
I should just accept that Ill come back to england sometime, when god thinks that its time to come back..maybe thats in winter, maybe thats next summer (where I will definitely get back there)..or what do I know..his plan is bigger, he has everythin in his hands and hes got another timetable as I have...why am I always in hurry? is hould train to be more patient..comes time, comes Gods working..
Montag, 22. September 2008
praise from pain!
oh my goodness, some people are just too holy for me...
well of course its stupid..theyre not..but sometimes I feel like that...whatever..
had a good day today with some nice people around me while lunch time and also in the evening when we watched cars and ate some pizza ;)
it feels so good to have people around who dont care if Im great or not ;)
its good to know that those are the people who´ll let me go and who´ll support me in every way..because they are not only interested in keeping me here..they wanna see me happy..and I know that these are the friendships that are staying...and Im really happy about that.
so until now Im at least a bit motivated for tomorrow and the coming days in school..of course tis not really what Im dreamin about but whatever..Ill go on and its gonna be alright somehow..
Ive been very surprised on saturday when I drove home from the horseback riding. I listened to the desert song from Hillsongs and suddenly I heard one line of this song very clearly:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
how funny...thats exactly a line from the verses of the sermon where God spoke to me through his word in 1. Peter, 1,3-9 (7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed.)
I really needed to laugh because sometimes I have the feeling that God has to tell me some things 2,3 or maybe even 4 times until I really understand what he wants from me.
everything I suffer for is proving me..and Im gonna turn the suffer into praise. I wanna praise god for he is glorious!
well of course its stupid..theyre not..but sometimes I feel like that...whatever..
had a good day today with some nice people around me while lunch time and also in the evening when we watched cars and ate some pizza ;)
it feels so good to have people around who dont care if Im great or not ;)
its good to know that those are the people who´ll let me go and who´ll support me in every way..because they are not only interested in keeping me here..they wanna see me happy..and I know that these are the friendships that are staying...and Im really happy about that.
so until now Im at least a bit motivated for tomorrow and the coming days in school..of course tis not really what Im dreamin about but whatever..Ill go on and its gonna be alright somehow..
Ive been very surprised on saturday when I drove home from the horseback riding. I listened to the desert song from Hillsongs and suddenly I heard one line of this song very clearly:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
how funny...thats exactly a line from the verses of the sermon where God spoke to me through his word in 1. Peter, 1,3-9 (7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed.)
I really needed to laugh because sometimes I have the feeling that God has to tell me some things 2,3 or maybe even 4 times until I really understand what he wants from me.
everything I suffer for is proving me..and Im gonna turn the suffer into praise. I wanna praise god for he is glorious!
Sonntag, 21. September 2008
this life...
our DOMINO service today was nice.
I really enjoyed doing the worship because it felt like god wouldnt care about how it sounds like or if we play all the songs perfect but he looks after our heart and why we do this.
and I had my debut with my djembe.
it was quite funny because first I just felt like the biggest fool ever and I wasnt able to sing and to drum at the same time.
but after some songs it was easier just to join the music and I think it was okay..it wasnt good but it was okay, and thats enough for the first time in my opinion..Im still learning :)
the sermon was good because I recognized a few things I do wrong in my everyday life..and those things need to be changed..and I know that I CAN change them if god helps me to.
But theres something that makes me feel a bit wistful..:
summers over..! really over! Im really not a big fan of the winter..its cold, its grey and to be honest it just seems like the world is dead.
I dont like it..and summer was wonderful! even if I hadnt sun all the time..that wasnt important..i just had such a good time and some really wonderful people around me. and Im really thankful for all those wonderful experiences..
But I dont wanna go into this winter with negative thinking..I wanna live through the winter as happy as through the summer because Ive got a reason to be happy: Jesus loves me!
Im lookin foreward to this life, because God has a plan and a way for me..hes got everything in his hands and I know that there are some challenges, experiences, sad times but also good times in the future..he guides me and hes taking every single step with me..hell never let go of me..
und der herr tut auch heute noch wunder, stunde um stunde, tag fuer tag!!
thats just the way it is!! hes doing some miracles every and every day! hes my provider..he REALLY is!!
I really enjoyed doing the worship because it felt like god wouldnt care about how it sounds like or if we play all the songs perfect but he looks after our heart and why we do this.
and I had my debut with my djembe.
it was quite funny because first I just felt like the biggest fool ever and I wasnt able to sing and to drum at the same time.
but after some songs it was easier just to join the music and I think it was okay..it wasnt good but it was okay, and thats enough for the first time in my opinion..Im still learning :)
the sermon was good because I recognized a few things I do wrong in my everyday life..and those things need to be changed..and I know that I CAN change them if god helps me to.
But theres something that makes me feel a bit wistful..:
summers over..! really over! Im really not a big fan of the winter..its cold, its grey and to be honest it just seems like the world is dead.
I dont like it..and summer was wonderful! even if I hadnt sun all the time..that wasnt important..i just had such a good time and some really wonderful people around me. and Im really thankful for all those wonderful experiences..
But I dont wanna go into this winter with negative thinking..I wanna live through the winter as happy as through the summer because Ive got a reason to be happy: Jesus loves me!
Im lookin foreward to this life, because God has a plan and a way for me..hes got everything in his hands and I know that there are some challenges, experiences, sad times but also good times in the future..he guides me and hes taking every single step with me..hell never let go of me..
und der herr tut auch heute noch wunder, stunde um stunde, tag fuer tag!!
thats just the way it is!! hes doing some miracles every and every day! hes my provider..he REALLY is!!
Freitag, 19. September 2008
Resting in gods arms..
its so good just to lie in gods arms and to know that Im safe.
what I absolutely love about my god is that Im allowed to tell him when Im uncontent and when I feel mad. Im allowed to shout out when I feel like it...and I can even cry before him when Im desperate..and he still loves me. and hes my comforter..and he takes me into his loving arms and tells me that everythings alright as long as Im with him - and hes right!!
so I just sat underneath a tree this afternoon and I just felt like talking, telling, shouting to god and thats exactly what I did.
when I sat there I suddenly realized its not that bad..I saw the wonderful nature around me. I saw the creation of God. and I thought about that he would never forget me when he even cares about the flowers on the fields. And it was so good to rest in his presence after this week full of work, stress and disappointments..
I really decided to do this more often...even if I think I wouldnt have time between all the stress and the school-life and stuff..I will take my time..because if I dont do that I lose all the strength..and without the strength that only Jesus can give Im lost in this world..because Im not strong enough to stand the fight against this world alone..
Because Jesus said in John 15,18 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first"
and thats okay as long as I know that he goes with me through the world that hates me..because if he does theres nothing that could bring me down - NOTHING!
what I absolutely love about my god is that Im allowed to tell him when Im uncontent and when I feel mad. Im allowed to shout out when I feel like it...and I can even cry before him when Im desperate..and he still loves me. and hes my comforter..and he takes me into his loving arms and tells me that everythings alright as long as Im with him - and hes right!!
so I just sat underneath a tree this afternoon and I just felt like talking, telling, shouting to god and thats exactly what I did.
when I sat there I suddenly realized its not that bad..I saw the wonderful nature around me. I saw the creation of God. and I thought about that he would never forget me when he even cares about the flowers on the fields. And it was so good to rest in his presence after this week full of work, stress and disappointments..
I really decided to do this more often...even if I think I wouldnt have time between all the stress and the school-life and stuff..I will take my time..because if I dont do that I lose all the strength..and without the strength that only Jesus can give Im lost in this world..because Im not strong enough to stand the fight against this world alone..
Because Jesus said in John 15,18 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first"
and thats okay as long as I know that he goes with me through the world that hates me..because if he does theres nothing that could bring me down - NOTHING!
its a beautiful day...
its a beautiful day...the sun is shining and its a bit warmer than the last days..it brightens my mood because I hate that coldness when I know that we actually still have summer.
and now its weekend, and Im so glad about that..the last week was very exhausting..always running around, doing lots of stuff for school..I know that I have to learn this weekend and that I have to do my homework..but I really really hope to get some time for my lovely daddy. because my days were just too busy to take some time, and thats not okay. I really wanna spend some time with god and I need it..but its really difficult to find some freetime at the moment..of course I know hes with me in school and everywhere and I talk to him like i do with friends..but its something different to take some extra time..
Im just trying to make the best out of my situation in school..Im trying to understand, Im trying to do my homework and Im even trying to follow the lessons and talk some quality stuff there..
its hard because it still feels like Im a prisoner there..and still it feels like I wouldnt belong here..
But Im trying to give my best in this last year and Im trying to reach the abitur..if Im not good enough its okay..because I know I gave everything..
Still I miss u and still I feel very lost without u..still I dont how to forget u and the time we shared..but theres nothing I can do but wait..even if I hate waiting..maybe I should train to be patient..
So now Im gonna do my business studies homework and Im gonna go for a walk because I really wanna get out into the sun to spend some time with the highest and the greatest!
thank u for this wonderful day Lord!
and now its weekend, and Im so glad about that..the last week was very exhausting..always running around, doing lots of stuff for school..I know that I have to learn this weekend and that I have to do my homework..but I really really hope to get some time for my lovely daddy. because my days were just too busy to take some time, and thats not okay. I really wanna spend some time with god and I need it..but its really difficult to find some freetime at the moment..of course I know hes with me in school and everywhere and I talk to him like i do with friends..but its something different to take some extra time..
Im just trying to make the best out of my situation in school..Im trying to understand, Im trying to do my homework and Im even trying to follow the lessons and talk some quality stuff there..
its hard because it still feels like Im a prisoner there..and still it feels like I wouldnt belong here..
But Im trying to give my best in this last year and Im trying to reach the abitur..if Im not good enough its okay..because I know I gave everything..
Still I miss u and still I feel very lost without u..still I dont how to forget u and the time we shared..but theres nothing I can do but wait..even if I hate waiting..maybe I should train to be patient..
So now Im gonna do my business studies homework and Im gonna go for a walk because I really wanna get out into the sun to spend some time with the highest and the greatest!
thank u for this wonderful day Lord!
Mittwoch, 17. September 2008
just the way life is..
it seems like it would get harder and harder everyday to realize that its really over.
I really miss u. Im thinking about u too much.
I miss your voice. I miss to hear ur breath beside me when you sleep. I miss to feel ur hand in mine. I miss ur stupid jokes and the way you made me laugh. I miss ur smell and the look in your eyes that tells me that u love me without any word.
I miss the time we shared. and we shared EVERYTHING.I miss ur bathroom and I miss the look out of ur window.I miss how we walked through fields and I miss how we drove around. I miss talkin to u. and most of all I miss u.
we really shared everything.now Im alone..and it hurts to let u go.it huts so much, it tears my heart apart.I dont wanna admit that I miss u.I cant tell anybody because I dont wanna show.
and now Im desperate and write it into this stupid blog because I know that almost nobody reads that shit.thats the reason I can admit that I miss u and that it hurts like hell.
I miss u so..we shared everything...
the last day were so busy..and I the only thing I feel is tired. Im sooo tired. I only wanna sleep so I dont need to think of all those things. I gotta do too much in school and it seems like the last few days I did nothing but writing some stupid texts for my essay or doing some other things that are important for school. its so exhausting..thats exactly the life I didnt wanna choose because its boring and senseless..
thank God that Ive got Jesus. hes the only one who gives strength..and hes the only reason for me to go on - to reach my first goal: get back to england!
I really miss u. Im thinking about u too much.
I miss your voice. I miss to hear ur breath beside me when you sleep. I miss to feel ur hand in mine. I miss ur stupid jokes and the way you made me laugh. I miss ur smell and the look in your eyes that tells me that u love me without any word.
I miss the time we shared. and we shared EVERYTHING.I miss ur bathroom and I miss the look out of ur window.I miss how we walked through fields and I miss how we drove around. I miss talkin to u. and most of all I miss u.
we really shared everything.now Im alone..and it hurts to let u go.it huts so much, it tears my heart apart.I dont wanna admit that I miss u.I cant tell anybody because I dont wanna show.
and now Im desperate and write it into this stupid blog because I know that almost nobody reads that shit.thats the reason I can admit that I miss u and that it hurts like hell.
I miss u so..we shared everything...
the last day were so busy..and I the only thing I feel is tired. Im sooo tired. I only wanna sleep so I dont need to think of all those things. I gotta do too much in school and it seems like the last few days I did nothing but writing some stupid texts for my essay or doing some other things that are important for school. its so exhausting..thats exactly the life I didnt wanna choose because its boring and senseless..
thank God that Ive got Jesus. hes the only one who gives strength..and hes the only reason for me to go on - to reach my first goal: get back to england!
Sonntag, 14. September 2008
oh Jesus how I need u
Today Kaddi and I ahve been to Stuttgart to the Jesus Treff..it was very spontanious and weve never been there before so we had NO idea how to get there..the only thing we had was a location plan from the internet..so we started our drive one hour before the service began (the local plan told us we would need half an hour but WE KNOW US)..and we were right..I guess weve been EVERYWHERE in stuttgart just not where we wanted to be..we drove to nowhere, we drove on a bus line, we turned off where it wasn allowed..to be honest: we drove around really really stupid...
to be honest I didnt thought it would be possible to arrive where we wanted to..but hey, we really did..1 hour too late...so we got into the church ans we´ve been pretty annoyed..but although weve been too late and we didnt saw much of the service it was really cool...we also met some people we didnt expected to meet and had some nice little conversations..and yeah it was just good to be there and I think it wasnt the last time..I guess we´re going to go there more often in the future.
I also gave up on things I´m really fixed on..just gave it up to Jesus and Im sure hes gonna make the best out of it.
I dont wanna fear about future and I dont wanna be fixed on things that enchain me..I dont wanna live in the past and I also dont wanna live in the future..I wanna live here and now..and I wanna make the best out of my situation even if its not what I dream about..Jesus is with me thats the most important thing!!
to be honest I didnt thought it would be possible to arrive where we wanted to..but hey, we really did..1 hour too late...so we got into the church ans we´ve been pretty annoyed..but although weve been too late and we didnt saw much of the service it was really cool...we also met some people we didnt expected to meet and had some nice little conversations..and yeah it was just good to be there and I think it wasnt the last time..I guess we´re going to go there more often in the future.
I also gave up on things I´m really fixed on..just gave it up to Jesus and Im sure hes gonna make the best out of it.
I dont wanna fear about future and I dont wanna be fixed on things that enchain me..I dont wanna live in the past and I also dont wanna live in the future..I wanna live here and now..and I wanna make the best out of my situation even if its not what I dream about..Jesus is with me thats the most important thing!!
Jesus spoke..
sometimes its really funny what happens when u do not expect it the most.
Today i´ve been to a service..but to be honest I havent been there because I thought it would be a great service but because I thought I should go there because it was the service to thank god for all the wonderful camps in summer.
So I sat there and I wasnt very motivated...
but then Kerschi held the sermon...and there were two things that made me surprised. the sermon was about hope. living hope.
And one of the first sentences he told was "Jesus conquered the death". wow!! wasnt that exactly what I told u yesterday in my blog entry?? I really needed to control myself not to shout out loudly: "AMEN!!! thats the way it is!!!"
the second thing is, that I´m thinking a lot about future and stuff at the moment..I´m trying to find my way and I ask and ask what God planned for me. and i really struggle with my relationship that is over forever...it hurts a lot these days and Im wondering when it will end and I just wish that all the pain would go away. So in the sermon they read a few verses from 1. Peter 1,3-9.it says:
"3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade- kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
"WOOOOW!!!" was the only thing I could say when they were ready with reading..
I was absolutely overwhelmed by what God told me through this.
it made my day. Im amazed how Jesus is talking to me, even when I sit in a service where I actually thought "why am I here??" - therefore, to hear God speak! Thank you Lord!
Today i´ve been to a service..but to be honest I havent been there because I thought it would be a great service but because I thought I should go there because it was the service to thank god for all the wonderful camps in summer.
So I sat there and I wasnt very motivated...
but then Kerschi held the sermon...and there were two things that made me surprised. the sermon was about hope. living hope.
And one of the first sentences he told was "Jesus conquered the death". wow!! wasnt that exactly what I told u yesterday in my blog entry?? I really needed to control myself not to shout out loudly: "AMEN!!! thats the way it is!!!"
the second thing is, that I´m thinking a lot about future and stuff at the moment..I´m trying to find my way and I ask and ask what God planned for me. and i really struggle with my relationship that is over forever...it hurts a lot these days and Im wondering when it will end and I just wish that all the pain would go away. So in the sermon they read a few verses from 1. Peter 1,3-9.it says:
"3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade- kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
"WOOOOW!!!" was the only thing I could say when they were ready with reading..
I was absolutely overwhelmed by what God told me through this.
it made my day. Im amazed how Jesus is talking to me, even when I sit in a service where I actually thought "why am I here??" - therefore, to hear God speak! Thank you Lord!
Samstag, 13. September 2008
JESUS conquered the DEATH!
Es ist vorbei
Wohin mit Krankheit, wohin mit Tod
Ich darf gespannt sein, was in mir wohnt
Wer will schon sterben, wer will schon gehn
Man will doch leben und will viele Nachkommen sehn
Ich kenne die Krankheit, ihren Bruder, den Tod
Sie haben beide schon in mir oder bei mir gewohnt
Im Großen und Ganzen wird man von Ihnen nicht verschont
Aber was geschieht wenn JESUS in Dir thront
Was würde passieren, was müsste geschehn
Der Tod müsste sterben und die Krankheit vergehn
Warum also sterben, erklär das noch mal
Mein Bruder im Glauben, glaub mir wir haben die Wahl
Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer und das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann,
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran
Es ist vorbei, over und aus, Finito, Ende, Feierabend wir gehen weiter als Tannenbäume kaufen
und Eier malen
das hier ist Trost der Tod hat seine Macht verloren für einen gestorbenen Stern werden neue Acht
geboren
Es ist vorbei du musst keine Angst haben wir sind Kinder im Beton und müssen diese Wand malen.
Gib dir die Wahrheit mach dich von Drogen, Lügen, Angst frei, Schwester lass dich fallen vertrau
uns Bruder du fällst weich !!!
Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer und das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann,
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran
If there is a life before death cause death has died
And JESUS is here to save you and I
Hope we´ll be together for an endless time
With no more pain and no more lies
I´m prepared and I´m not scared
Of the world and it´s demons cause my GOD is here, my GOD is here, my GOD is here
I gave my life to JESUS so I have no fear
It´s over now
Death is out of power for sure
So we won´t have to die anymore
It´s over now
We can live for ever Brother,
you can tell your sister
Father and Mother
It´s over now
We´ve been dyin´ year after year
But it´s over cause Jesus is here
So live this life cause this life
Is the best you will have
And with JESUS we´ll leave death in the past
Ich red von
Matrix Teil Eins, nich in statischen Rhymes, mach
Klartisch und bye, ganz egal wie du heißt. Ein
Tag ohne Leid is der Tag der befreit. Wenn du
panisch bist, weinst und den Plan nich mehr peilst. Sei bereit
für den Arm der dich greift und laß los, was
hindert. Gegen Gottes Kinder is jeder Name machtlos. Ich
mach bloß was ich am besten kann, für den besten Mann. Und
halte seinen Namen hoch, damit jeder von euch testen kann.
Nehme das Mic, ereifer mich, jeder der nur von Cypher spricht,
weiß nich dass GOTTES REICH mehr als Style is und begreift es nich. Daß
seine Gnade Zeit durchbricht, die dunkle Bedrohung weicht dem Licht. Der
Herr der Ringe spürt die Klinge die längst an seinem Hals anliegt.
Also geh ich voran für den König, einfach rappen wär nur zu gewöhnlich, wir
haben es nötig, warten is tödlich, die Sonne kommt, der Himmel schon rötlich. Es
Ist vorbei – nicht für uns, doch für den Feind, der Morgen scheint, das
Kreuz beschreibt den Ort, an dem der Sieg nich mehr verborgen bleibt
Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer, das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran
yeah, that is! IT´S OVER AND DEATH HASNT GOT ANY POWER ANYMORE!!
Because Jesus is here. Here and now. And I am with Jesus so I dont need to be afraid of anything!
This song really touched my heart when I listened to it a few times in the last 15 minutes..it has so much POWER!
it really shows that there´s nothing we need to fear because jesus took every sin, he conquered the death and he wiped away every tear. Because he has such a great LOVE for us, and the only thing we need to do is BELIEVE in him and so we are safe.
Safe from the world and its demons. safe from the world and its people who don´t wanna know Jesus and who wanna damage us. Safe from death, sickness and other destroying things. We are safed and free by Jesus Christ who died upon the cross and revived. Oh Jesus what you did for ME and for EVERYONE is so unbelievable..THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Wohin mit Krankheit, wohin mit Tod
Ich darf gespannt sein, was in mir wohnt
Wer will schon sterben, wer will schon gehn
Man will doch leben und will viele Nachkommen sehn
Ich kenne die Krankheit, ihren Bruder, den Tod
Sie haben beide schon in mir oder bei mir gewohnt
Im Großen und Ganzen wird man von Ihnen nicht verschont
Aber was geschieht wenn JESUS in Dir thront
Was würde passieren, was müsste geschehn
Der Tod müsste sterben und die Krankheit vergehn
Warum also sterben, erklär das noch mal
Mein Bruder im Glauben, glaub mir wir haben die Wahl
Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer und das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann,
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran
Es ist vorbei, over und aus, Finito, Ende, Feierabend wir gehen weiter als Tannenbäume kaufen
und Eier malen
das hier ist Trost der Tod hat seine Macht verloren für einen gestorbenen Stern werden neue Acht
geboren
Es ist vorbei du musst keine Angst haben wir sind Kinder im Beton und müssen diese Wand malen.
Gib dir die Wahrheit mach dich von Drogen, Lügen, Angst frei, Schwester lass dich fallen vertrau
uns Bruder du fällst weich !!!
Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer und das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann,
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran
If there is a life before death cause death has died
And JESUS is here to save you and I
Hope we´ll be together for an endless time
With no more pain and no more lies
I´m prepared and I´m not scared
Of the world and it´s demons cause my GOD is here, my GOD is here, my GOD is here
I gave my life to JESUS so I have no fear
It´s over now
Death is out of power for sure
So we won´t have to die anymore
It´s over now
We can live for ever Brother,
you can tell your sister
Father and Mother
It´s over now
We´ve been dyin´ year after year
But it´s over cause Jesus is here
So live this life cause this life
Is the best you will have
And with JESUS we´ll leave death in the past
Ich red von
Matrix Teil Eins, nich in statischen Rhymes, mach
Klartisch und bye, ganz egal wie du heißt. Ein
Tag ohne Leid is der Tag der befreit. Wenn du
panisch bist, weinst und den Plan nich mehr peilst. Sei bereit
für den Arm der dich greift und laß los, was
hindert. Gegen Gottes Kinder is jeder Name machtlos. Ich
mach bloß was ich am besten kann, für den besten Mann. Und
halte seinen Namen hoch, damit jeder von euch testen kann.
Nehme das Mic, ereifer mich, jeder der nur von Cypher spricht,
weiß nich dass GOTTES REICH mehr als Style is und begreift es nich. Daß
seine Gnade Zeit durchbricht, die dunkle Bedrohung weicht dem Licht. Der
Herr der Ringe spürt die Klinge die längst an seinem Hals anliegt.
Also geh ich voran für den König, einfach rappen wär nur zu gewöhnlich, wir
haben es nötig, warten is tödlich, die Sonne kommt, der Himmel schon rötlich. Es
Ist vorbei – nicht für uns, doch für den Feind, der Morgen scheint, das
Kreuz beschreibt den Ort, an dem der Sieg nich mehr verborgen bleibt
Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer, das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran
yeah, that is! IT´S OVER AND DEATH HASNT GOT ANY POWER ANYMORE!!
Because Jesus is here. Here and now. And I am with Jesus so I dont need to be afraid of anything!
This song really touched my heart when I listened to it a few times in the last 15 minutes..it has so much POWER!
it really shows that there´s nothing we need to fear because jesus took every sin, he conquered the death and he wiped away every tear. Because he has such a great LOVE for us, and the only thing we need to do is BELIEVE in him and so we are safe.
Safe from the world and its demons. safe from the world and its people who don´t wanna know Jesus and who wanna damage us. Safe from death, sickness and other destroying things. We are safed and free by Jesus Christ who died upon the cross and revived. Oh Jesus what you did for ME and for EVERYONE is so unbelievable..THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Freitag, 12. September 2008
Bristol and today
how beautiful those pictures are...
I´ve never ever been in Bristol..but when I look at those pictures and when I think about my plans about next summer my heart gets so glad and so happy.
I can´t wait to get there..If I could I would book a flight today without booking a flight back and if it was that easy I would just stay there and live!!
sometimes its hard to wait and it´s also hard for me to understand why I have to do some things I really dont wanna do..
But I really wanna try to make the best out of it..its a new decision every and every day again to say "yes". Yes to the day, yes to the world, yes to jesus.
and I have absolutely NO problem to say yes to Jesus because he´s the one who guides me through EVRYTHING. He has the strength I havent got and thats the only reason I go throughall the things I have to.
Today I wasnt very successful in saying yes to the world and yes to the day. but tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to say yes. And even if I have to clean the parish hall tomorrow, I´m hopeful! because I think its a good time to think about some things in my life that I urgently need to get out of my life..some things of the past..and I´m sure I´ll make it someday..because Jesus is with me and thats all I need!! thank u jesus for your love!!
saying yes...but how???
it gets harder every and every day..school is terrible..I feel like I´m almost alone there because no one understands anything. everyday without u gets more and more lonely and it feels like noone understands.
everyday I see my friend and her boyfriend..and they are so happy..and I´m happy for them but it hurts to see them because I know that I´ve been that happy too one and a half year ago..
I hate thinking about that you lied to me, I hate that you "betrayed" me, and I hate that I gave myself up for u. slowly and in a way that nobody realized (even I didnt)..but just as slowly as I lost myself I figure it out...and I´m trying to get back to the start of everything, so that I can start again, new, clean, and without u on my mind.
without ANYONE of u in my mind because I dont need you..because you are my past!
Yesterday when I heard the sermon which was about saying yes to every single day I felt like I´d like to run out of this room. This guy talked about living TODAY. not in the future and not in the past. and thats where I see my fault: some things of the past really enchain me and I´m trying so hard to let them go..and it doesnt work! why? because one more time I try it all by myself. even if I know that I´m not able to let go.
And I also live in the future..oh goodnes, how I wish that it would be august 2009 so that I can finally leave this place behind me to start something new...
I try to plan things I just cant plan and it makes me tired because I see that it doesnt work out how I would like it to..
and I really wanted to say yes to today..but I´m just not able to...because when u wake up and the first thing you think is "oh no..school again..the first thing I do when I come home is going to bed again"..this is not very open-minded and hearted for this day..but I just hate sitting there and listening to some stupid teachers who tell me things I already knew or I dont wanna know...
and I hate it to feel like I would be in the wrong place..
I dont know how to say yes to this day..the only thing I can do is lay it down into the hands of jesus..because he is stronger and he is in control when I am not!
I freakin miss you but I´ve got that feeling that God tells me its in vain..maybe thats just what I tell myself..I dont know it yet..but thats not very encouraging..because u are someone special..and I dont want it to be in vain...
everyday I see my friend and her boyfriend..and they are so happy..and I´m happy for them but it hurts to see them because I know that I´ve been that happy too one and a half year ago..
I hate thinking about that you lied to me, I hate that you "betrayed" me, and I hate that I gave myself up for u. slowly and in a way that nobody realized (even I didnt)..but just as slowly as I lost myself I figure it out...and I´m trying to get back to the start of everything, so that I can start again, new, clean, and without u on my mind.
without ANYONE of u in my mind because I dont need you..because you are my past!
Yesterday when I heard the sermon which was about saying yes to every single day I felt like I´d like to run out of this room. This guy talked about living TODAY. not in the future and not in the past. and thats where I see my fault: some things of the past really enchain me and I´m trying so hard to let them go..and it doesnt work! why? because one more time I try it all by myself. even if I know that I´m not able to let go.
And I also live in the future..oh goodnes, how I wish that it would be august 2009 so that I can finally leave this place behind me to start something new...
I try to plan things I just cant plan and it makes me tired because I see that it doesnt work out how I would like it to..
and I really wanted to say yes to today..but I´m just not able to...because when u wake up and the first thing you think is "oh no..school again..the first thing I do when I come home is going to bed again"..this is not very open-minded and hearted for this day..but I just hate sitting there and listening to some stupid teachers who tell me things I already knew or I dont wanna know...
and I hate it to feel like I would be in the wrong place..
I dont know how to say yes to this day..the only thing I can do is lay it down into the hands of jesus..because he is stronger and he is in control when I am not!
I freakin miss you but I´ve got that feeling that God tells me its in vain..maybe thats just what I tell myself..I dont know it yet..but thats not very encouraging..because u are someone special..and I dont want it to be in vain...
Mittwoch, 10. September 2008
lifestyles I dont wanna see no more...
sometimes, when I look at the people around me I just can´t understand the world anymore...
what is goin on here??
some people really hadnt a good life and they experienced a lot of rubbish...
but in every case someday there ame somebody who heped them and who really supports them and stuff..
but just how life is, those people leave someday..and what happens then??
Everyone falls back into his habits and his "old lifestyle"...
why??? I mean, yeah, it often happens that you get disappointed or hurt by other people..and of course thats not very great but..that ALWAYS happens!
what do u expect from this life? that everyone will always stay by your side? of course there will be people who will never leave and I´m truly glad about this fact..but not everyone will.
And if someone helps you to change your life...why falling back into old life when he´s gone?
Don´t you change for yourself?? so that YOUR life is better?? dont you see that your life is worth living? that YOU are worth living??
Folks, please open your eyes!!!
I get very sad when I see and hear about people who just sit at home and dont get their ass ANYWHERE...I feel so sorry for them! the only thing I wanna do is pick them up at home and just spend a wonderful day with them, showing how to LIVE!!!
and what is even worse: people who destroy themselves because they got hurt...
I always beloged to that kind of people too..but since I found my identity in jesus I see no sense in that way of living anymore..
He made me free, he released me of all that bullshit I´ve done in my life..he forgave me everything...why should I go on and blame myself?? why should I bear stuff that I dont need to bear no longer?
Come on guys, stand up and just LIVE!!!
what is goin on here??
some people really hadnt a good life and they experienced a lot of rubbish...
but in every case someday there ame somebody who heped them and who really supports them and stuff..
but just how life is, those people leave someday..and what happens then??
Everyone falls back into his habits and his "old lifestyle"...
why??? I mean, yeah, it often happens that you get disappointed or hurt by other people..and of course thats not very great but..that ALWAYS happens!
what do u expect from this life? that everyone will always stay by your side? of course there will be people who will never leave and I´m truly glad about this fact..but not everyone will.
And if someone helps you to change your life...why falling back into old life when he´s gone?
Don´t you change for yourself?? so that YOUR life is better?? dont you see that your life is worth living? that YOU are worth living??
Folks, please open your eyes!!!
I get very sad when I see and hear about people who just sit at home and dont get their ass ANYWHERE...I feel so sorry for them! the only thing I wanna do is pick them up at home and just spend a wonderful day with them, showing how to LIVE!!!
and what is even worse: people who destroy themselves because they got hurt...
I always beloged to that kind of people too..but since I found my identity in jesus I see no sense in that way of living anymore..
He made me free, he released me of all that bullshit I´ve done in my life..he forgave me everything...why should I go on and blame myself?? why should I bear stuff that I dont need to bear no longer?
Come on guys, stand up and just LIVE!!!
Dienstag, 9. September 2008
why are some things soooo hard???
it´s sooooo depressing..
the only light I saw at the end of this dark time called "school-time until the end of october" was to fly to Bristol in my holidays...
and whats now? every damn flight straight to bristol costs about 200 euro (I´m sorry I´m not a millionaire!!!???), and every flight to london stansted I could pay hasn´t got a busline that fits into the times of the flights..
well I could sleep at the airport in london, great idea isn´t it??
it reaaally frustrates me because I was sooo lookin foreward to get back to britain..it fucks me up...BULLSHIT!!
I´m out! maybe I should start a 24/7 prayer-time to see some miracles...
the only light I saw at the end of this dark time called "school-time until the end of october" was to fly to Bristol in my holidays...
and whats now? every damn flight straight to bristol costs about 200 euro (I´m sorry I´m not a millionaire!!!???), and every flight to london stansted I could pay hasn´t got a busline that fits into the times of the flights..
well I could sleep at the airport in london, great idea isn´t it??
it reaaally frustrates me because I was sooo lookin foreward to get back to britain..it fucks me up...BULLSHIT!!
I´m out! maybe I should start a 24/7 prayer-time to see some miracles...
Montag, 8. September 2008
school and shoes..
so I´m back in hell on earth...-.-
When I see this building I could puke!! I hate it, I hate it I REALLY hate it!
and for some people its maybe hard to believe or hard to understand that I do..
but they are not me..and they are not in my situation and they dont live my life..
and all I wanna do is get away from there...I just dont know how..
but actually it was a funny day..I went to some shoe-stores with Kaddi and we tried lots of shoes (most of them were really really nasty ;). But it was great fun to walk around in shoes you would never ever wear in your life!!
And I really found some beautiful shoes I bought in the end (I needed some!).
Some other colors than I usually wear but hey, I really like them!!
so tomorrow the daily grind starts again...6 hours school..getting up early..sounds horrible!!
but well..Jesus is with me..thats something I cling to!!
When I see this building I could puke!! I hate it, I hate it I REALLY hate it!
and for some people its maybe hard to believe or hard to understand that I do..
but they are not me..and they are not in my situation and they dont live my life..
and all I wanna do is get away from there...I just dont know how..
but actually it was a funny day..I went to some shoe-stores with Kaddi and we tried lots of shoes (most of them were really really nasty ;). But it was great fun to walk around in shoes you would never ever wear in your life!!
And I really found some beautiful shoes I bought in the end (I needed some!).
Some other colors than I usually wear but hey, I really like them!!
so tomorrow the daily grind starts again...6 hours school..getting up early..sounds horrible!!
but well..Jesus is with me..thats something I cling to!!
Sonntag, 7. September 2008
life´s good.
So I had a wonderful evening yesterday and a beautiful day today.
Yesterday Chrissie and Kaddi visited me at home and we had a great evening with some fun and some memories at the Zeltstadt and also just a good conversation about God who´s changing all of us.
I really enjoyed that evening, it´s sooo good to know that I have a big family with wonderful people who stand by my side!!
Today Kaddi and me drove to Goeppingen to visit Chrissie :)
So we arrived at 9.30am (huuuh, I really had to get up too early :D ) and first we had a great breakfast (I´m so thankful!!). After that we went to her church where we celebrated a school-service for the kids.
After the service we painted the kids faces..and it was SO funny! I´v never did that before and I really think Im not very good in painting someones face ;)
But all those kids were happy and satisfied and they were SO CUTE!!
It was lots of fun, really!
So now I have a beautiful blue flower, some small purple flowers and some glitter on my cheek but I fell good, because I like it ;)
So now I´m back home...school starts again tomorrow...this fact really horrifies me..:(
But after school I´ll go straightly to the ejki to meet some wonderful people, to eat a delicious lunch and to go into town with Kaddi to find some new shoes!! I´m lookin foreward, it will be fun I´m sure!!
Yesterday Chrissie and Kaddi visited me at home and we had a great evening with some fun and some memories at the Zeltstadt and also just a good conversation about God who´s changing all of us.
I really enjoyed that evening, it´s sooo good to know that I have a big family with wonderful people who stand by my side!!
Today Kaddi and me drove to Goeppingen to visit Chrissie :)
So we arrived at 9.30am (huuuh, I really had to get up too early :D ) and first we had a great breakfast (I´m so thankful!!). After that we went to her church where we celebrated a school-service for the kids.
After the service we painted the kids faces..and it was SO funny! I´v never did that before and I really think Im not very good in painting someones face ;)
But all those kids were happy and satisfied and they were SO CUTE!!
It was lots of fun, really!
So now I have a beautiful blue flower, some small purple flowers and some glitter on my cheek but I fell good, because I like it ;)
So now I´m back home...school starts again tomorrow...this fact really horrifies me..:(
But after school I´ll go straightly to the ejki to meet some wonderful people, to eat a delicious lunch and to go into town with Kaddi to find some new shoes!! I´m lookin foreward, it will be fun I´m sure!!
Samstag, 6. September 2008
learning, going on,...
one more time I feel the hate coming up inside of me..
I really dont want it..but how you talk...that ex and the ex before that ex..that sounds ugly..it sounds like you would dispose us one by one..
why the hell do I even think yout you?? Sometimes I think you´re really not worth it..why do I even waste ONE thought???
we´ve been to the streets again today..I really hadn´t success with ANYONE^^
but I think God nevertheless teached me something today: he showed me that it´s not necessarily about speaking to someone or praying for anybody..
it´s about patience, and I have to admit that I haven´t got enough of it ;)
so I didn´t talk to anybody and I didn´t pray for anyone but Ilearned something and what is also great that I finally had the chane to find some people to build a group with..
it´s my desire since I´ve been to the pioneer-seminar at the zeltstadt, where the thought of a group raised in my mind. A group where we pray a lot. Pray for our region, for the people around us, for revival in krichheim and around ;), and for everything else thats important for us. and where we also go out to the streets more often to talk to people, tell them about God, pray for them or just being friendly to them.
but where we also can be honest and tell about our life, our problems, our experiences with god. and also where it doesn´t work out like we would like it.
just an open space for all the people who are really BURNING FOR GOD!!
and I´m really lookin foreward to our meetings because I think we´ll have a very good time, and up to now we are 4 very motivated people who wanna see more of God and we wanna see him doing some changes in our region! and we are ready to do something for a change and to go for Gods Kingdom on earth! And I really think we´re on a GOOD way!!
I really dont want it..but how you talk...that ex and the ex before that ex..that sounds ugly..it sounds like you would dispose us one by one..
why the hell do I even think yout you?? Sometimes I think you´re really not worth it..why do I even waste ONE thought???
we´ve been to the streets again today..I really hadn´t success with ANYONE^^
but I think God nevertheless teached me something today: he showed me that it´s not necessarily about speaking to someone or praying for anybody..
it´s about patience, and I have to admit that I haven´t got enough of it ;)
so I didn´t talk to anybody and I didn´t pray for anyone but Ilearned something and what is also great that I finally had the chane to find some people to build a group with..
it´s my desire since I´ve been to the pioneer-seminar at the zeltstadt, where the thought of a group raised in my mind. A group where we pray a lot. Pray for our region, for the people around us, for revival in krichheim and around ;), and for everything else thats important for us. and where we also go out to the streets more often to talk to people, tell them about God, pray for them or just being friendly to them.
but where we also can be honest and tell about our life, our problems, our experiences with god. and also where it doesn´t work out like we would like it.
just an open space for all the people who are really BURNING FOR GOD!!
and I´m really lookin foreward to our meetings because I think we´ll have a very good time, and up to now we are 4 very motivated people who wanna see more of God and we wanna see him doing some changes in our region! and we are ready to do something for a change and to go for Gods Kingdom on earth! And I really think we´re on a GOOD way!!
Freitag, 5. September 2008
just a little smile..
well okay..I realized that there´s no need to get angry about anyone and no need to get mean.
because with this behaviour I do the same as you did and its not fair.
We both did some things wrong..we both are guilty..and now I have to get over it..whatever..
I don´t wanna be a person who is angry, who has a cold heart and who is filled with hate..
thats definitely NOT who I want to be..
I wanna come across people with friendliness and love...I wanna smile at them for no reason (well I have a reason, because I AM LOVED by the highest and the greatest!!).
I wanna show them joy, and its enough for me to see them lookin irritated because they don´t understand why I smile at them and say hello but they see a difference to all the other people who walk around with their eyes on the ground.
and its even more beautiful when a little smile flits over their face and they greet me back.
yeah, thats a good reason to live this life!
because with this behaviour I do the same as you did and its not fair.
We both did some things wrong..we both are guilty..and now I have to get over it..whatever..
I don´t wanna be a person who is angry, who has a cold heart and who is filled with hate..
thats definitely NOT who I want to be..
I wanna come across people with friendliness and love...I wanna smile at them for no reason (well I have a reason, because I AM LOVED by the highest and the greatest!!).
I wanna show them joy, and its enough for me to see them lookin irritated because they don´t understand why I smile at them and say hello but they see a difference to all the other people who walk around with their eyes on the ground.
and its even more beautiful when a little smile flits over their face and they greet me back.
yeah, thats a good reason to live this life!
Donnerstag, 4. September 2008
LET ME OUT!!
why do I still think about him??
it fucks me up!! its over!! over and out!!
now I AM the one whos down and I AM the one who feels alone.
are u happy now??? well done, good job..
NEVER try to tell me again that I would be heartless, I wouldn´t care at all, it wouldnt matter to me and I wouldnt care about YOU!! so now u are the one who has a good time
und ich bin diejenige die hier dahei rumsifft und abkackt!
so FUCK YOU, fuck you, fuck you
and all we´ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, LEAVE IT!!
it´s nothing to you
and if you hate me, hate me, hate me
then hate me so good that you can LET ME OUT, let me out, let me out
OF THIS HELL WHEN YOU´RE AROUND
(it´s enough when you´re NOT around..don´t even need to see you...)
by the way, you always knew I HATED all those FUCKING, uncountable girls you had around you...
and I always knew that you had lots of fun with them..I know YOU, and I simply know how you are..
but it hurts even more to hear it from other people who say "if that would be my boyfriend I would be very jealous!"
and so you wanna tell me I won´t ever be able not to be jealous and angry??
look at yourself first.
come on go on having fun with them..I DON`T FUCKIN MIND!!
you´ll see where it´ll bring u....I HAAAAAATE YOU!!!!!! :´(
it fucks me up!! its over!! over and out!!
now I AM the one whos down and I AM the one who feels alone.
are u happy now??? well done, good job..
NEVER try to tell me again that I would be heartless, I wouldn´t care at all, it wouldnt matter to me and I wouldnt care about YOU!! so now u are the one who has a good time
und ich bin diejenige die hier dahei rumsifft und abkackt!
so FUCK YOU, fuck you, fuck you
and all we´ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, LEAVE IT!!
it´s nothing to you
and if you hate me, hate me, hate me
then hate me so good that you can LET ME OUT, let me out, let me out
OF THIS HELL WHEN YOU´RE AROUND
(it´s enough when you´re NOT around..don´t even need to see you...)
by the way, you always knew I HATED all those FUCKING, uncountable girls you had around you...
and I always knew that you had lots of fun with them..I know YOU, and I simply know how you are..
but it hurts even more to hear it from other people who say "if that would be my boyfriend I would be very jealous!"
and so you wanna tell me I won´t ever be able not to be jealous and angry??
look at yourself first.
come on go on having fun with them..I DON`T FUCKIN MIND!!
you´ll see where it´ll bring u....I HAAAAAATE YOU!!!!!! :´(
where is "home"?
haha..great feeling to be at your local home..but don´t even approximately feel like it. I hate those conversations I need to listen to since DAYS..everyday the same, round and round, it makes me sick!!
Of course I can understand that its not a great feeling to be ill in that way, yeah I understand that..but could we PLEASE talk about ANYTHING else now??
I really dont mean it angrily or something..and I really dont wanna say that they were extremely annoying today..I just cant listen anymore..
who cares about what I think? who cares about my sorrow? who talks about that round and round?? who sees that it makes me sick to go back to this horrible school on monday? who would understand?
well...one man always understands, Jesus! I dont know what I would do if I wouldnt know hes listening, even when I tell him the same things a thousand times..
what I also got are some wonderful friends. but nobody really understands - apart from one person - what I feel at the moment..
sometimes I have the feeling that all of them are only interested in keeping me here because they want to have me here..I wonder why because they don´t really share that much time with me..
they simply cant understand that I hate to be here and that all I wanna do is go somewhere else to live a life thats worth living (dont wanna say my life here isnt worth living - life is ALWAYS worth living..but u know..).
Theres only one person who understands and she would let me go..because she knows as I know that we are FRIENDS..and we will stay friends, wherever we go or whatever comes our way..I´m so thankful that you placed her next to me Jesus..think I would despair of this life if I wouldnt have her..!
Jesus I really try to cling to the cross and I think thats the only thing that gives me strength at all! I really dont wanna be depressive or something and actually I´m really not..the only thing that makes me is this fuckin school I hate soooo much...and the fact that I don´t have a clue how it all should go on after school, no matter if I break up or if I do my ABI..help me out of this personal hell..it burns me!
Of course I can understand that its not a great feeling to be ill in that way, yeah I understand that..but could we PLEASE talk about ANYTHING else now??
I really dont mean it angrily or something..and I really dont wanna say that they were extremely annoying today..I just cant listen anymore..
who cares about what I think? who cares about my sorrow? who talks about that round and round?? who sees that it makes me sick to go back to this horrible school on monday? who would understand?
well...one man always understands, Jesus! I dont know what I would do if I wouldnt know hes listening, even when I tell him the same things a thousand times..
what I also got are some wonderful friends. but nobody really understands - apart from one person - what I feel at the moment..
sometimes I have the feeling that all of them are only interested in keeping me here because they want to have me here..I wonder why because they don´t really share that much time with me..
they simply cant understand that I hate to be here and that all I wanna do is go somewhere else to live a life thats worth living (dont wanna say my life here isnt worth living - life is ALWAYS worth living..but u know..).
Theres only one person who understands and she would let me go..because she knows as I know that we are FRIENDS..and we will stay friends, wherever we go or whatever comes our way..I´m so thankful that you placed her next to me Jesus..think I would despair of this life if I wouldnt have her..!
Jesus I really try to cling to the cross and I think thats the only thing that gives me strength at all! I really dont wanna be depressive or something and actually I´m really not..the only thing that makes me is this fuckin school I hate soooo much...and the fact that I don´t have a clue how it all should go on after school, no matter if I break up or if I do my ABI..help me out of this personal hell..it burns me!
Mittwoch, 3. September 2008
He is there
just take a deep breath
once more you can´t sleep
just close your eyes and weep
you can see the stars in heaven
you can see the clouds just passing by..
and still u know theres someone out there
looking for your soul when u cry
so you bring your tears to heaven
you bring all the thoughts to the loving one
and he is there
so you´re shouting to heaven
let go of the things that hurt your soul
still he is there, he is there
you´re tired of this life
of being always the strong one
imagine to be free
just close your eyes and fly away
he´s there
he´ll never let you go
you´ll never be alone
haha..had a creative phase today..well maybe I should better say I forced me to have one..
because I hate it to hang around doing nothing so I just needed to do something and so I wrote a song!
just realized one more time that Jesus is always there and that I can shout to him whenever I´m desperate or I feel lonely..
thats something that helps me to get through it all..
it´s sad that the summer is almost over...the beginning of the fall is okay but when it goes to the end of october I really start to get dicontented..
I hate winter..I hate snow slush and I hate it to leave the house in the morning when it´s dark outside and coming back in the evening when its dark again..
don´t even wanna thing about that...yuck!
But I´m really happy and content about this summer...I experienced lots of wonderful, challenging and exciting things and I got to know lots of people I really really like and I´m glat that I met them..
This summer absolutely wasnt like I planned it and it also wasnt like I imagined..but I wouldn´t wanna change ANYTHING!
It was the best summer of my whole life!! the best summer EVER!
I´m so thankful God that you gave me people, challenges, experiences, peace and freedom!
I´m so thankful that you guided me through everything and you took every step with me.
I´m so thankful that you were simply there and teached me how to live for u!
THANK YOU!
tired
I wanna stop thinking - I can´t
I wanna let go of u - I can´t
I hate thinking about you and I also hate to be not able to let go..
god u have everything in ur hand..u have my life in ur hands
you´re the first, the last the centre of it all..
and all I wanna do is rest my head from stupid thinkin..all I wanna do is being peaceful and calm..
so please make it bearable..
bless the people I love and I pray for..bless the people who are outside and homeless.
bless them all!
I´ll go to bed now..
please give me some sleep and the ability to get some strength for tomorrow - for the new day..that maybe gets even harder than all the days before..but its a new day and its a new chance and I wanna use it..
my soul is weak, my heart is numb I cannot see..but still my hope is found in you I´ll hold on tightly. you will never let me go, for Jesus you will never fail...
simply to the cross I cling, letting go of all earthly things..I´m clinging to the cross...
peace and mercy over me lord..I´m tired...
I wanna let go of u - I can´t
I hate thinking about you and I also hate to be not able to let go..
god u have everything in ur hand..u have my life in ur hands
you´re the first, the last the centre of it all..
and all I wanna do is rest my head from stupid thinkin..all I wanna do is being peaceful and calm..
so please make it bearable..
bless the people I love and I pray for..bless the people who are outside and homeless.
bless them all!
I´ll go to bed now..
please give me some sleep and the ability to get some strength for tomorrow - for the new day..that maybe gets even harder than all the days before..but its a new day and its a new chance and I wanna use it..
my soul is weak, my heart is numb I cannot see..but still my hope is found in you I´ll hold on tightly. you will never let me go, for Jesus you will never fail...
simply to the cross I cling, letting go of all earthly things..I´m clinging to the cross...
peace and mercy over me lord..I´m tired...
Dienstag, 2. September 2008
NOTHINGS GONNA HOLD ME BACK
wow, JESUS YOU ARE AMAAAAAZING!!!
I can´t believe it!
Jesus fullfills prayers..he really does..its unbelievable!!
I had a great day today..met a friend of mine and we just had a good time talking and chillin and stuff!
Afterwards I went to buy some things and I just felt so happy. And you know what?
its awesome to see how you can light up sad and serious faces of the people on the streets if you just say "hello" to them..they just seem to be happy at least ten seconds..
I really wanna bring some friendliness into this world..just smiling at people..and its so good to see that they smile back..and also funny because you see that they wonder why you smile at them!
I really enjoyed it to be out of the house today..and now I´ll leave to go for a walk and spend some more time with my father..can´t get enough of it at the moment..he fills my life!!
I am chosen, I am free
I am Living for eternity
Free now forever
You picked me up, turned me around
You set my feet on solid ground
Yours now forever
And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You give everything for me
You give everything for me
Everything
You washed my sin and shame away
The slate is clean: a brand new day,
Free now forever
Now boldly I approach your throne
To claim this crown through christ my own
Yours now forever
And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You give everything for me
You give everything for me
I'm free to live
Free to give
Free to be
I'm free to love you
(Tim Hughes - Nothings gonna hold me back)
I can´t believe it!
Jesus fullfills prayers..he really does..its unbelievable!!
I had a great day today..met a friend of mine and we just had a good time talking and chillin and stuff!
Afterwards I went to buy some things and I just felt so happy. And you know what?
its awesome to see how you can light up sad and serious faces of the people on the streets if you just say "hello" to them..they just seem to be happy at least ten seconds..
I really wanna bring some friendliness into this world..just smiling at people..and its so good to see that they smile back..and also funny because you see that they wonder why you smile at them!
I really enjoyed it to be out of the house today..and now I´ll leave to go for a walk and spend some more time with my father..can´t get enough of it at the moment..he fills my life!!
I am chosen, I am free
I am Living for eternity
Free now forever
You picked me up, turned me around
You set my feet on solid ground
Yours now forever
And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You give everything for me
You give everything for me
Everything
You washed my sin and shame away
The slate is clean: a brand new day,
Free now forever
Now boldly I approach your throne
To claim this crown through christ my own
Yours now forever
And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You give everything for me
You give everything for me
I'm free to live
Free to give
Free to be
I'm free to love you
(Tim Hughes - Nothings gonna hold me back)
bid farewell..
maybe now is the time to let out all the pain about the sad things that happened in the last two months..
maybe I´ve been to busy the last time to realize what happened and maybe it was good that way..
I knew the time would come where it gets hard to bear a loss - the loss of a person..
but I´m really glad that God guides me through every single step he takes with me..
It hurts like hell but hes there and thats what makes it bearable..
Now its really time to bid farewell..I´m sorry we didn´t last..Im sorry for all the things that went wrong..
I really hope someday we can stand face to face, both of us happy and convinced that we took the right way. I hope we can talk and laugh together like we did.
I hope you´re gonna be alright..I hope I´m gonna be alright..I hope WE´RE gonna be alright someday..
maybe I´ve been to busy the last time to realize what happened and maybe it was good that way..
I knew the time would come where it gets hard to bear a loss - the loss of a person..
but I´m really glad that God guides me through every single step he takes with me..
It hurts like hell but hes there and thats what makes it bearable..
Now its really time to bid farewell..I´m sorry we didn´t last..Im sorry for all the things that went wrong..
I really hope someday we can stand face to face, both of us happy and convinced that we took the right way. I hope we can talk and laugh together like we did.
I hope you´re gonna be alright..I hope I´m gonna be alright..I hope WE´RE gonna be alright someday..
Montag, 1. September 2008
Clinging to the cross
My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
What a Saviour, what a story
You were crucified but now You are alive
So amazing, such a mystery
You were crucified but now You are alive
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
seems like I really found out whats going wrong in my life since a few days!
maybe I have to learn it the hard way, but if I dont understand it the easy way there´s no other chance ;)
I just took some time for daddy in heaven..so I just lay down on my bed and started to pray..after that I did some worship, but I gave it up soon because I realized that praying is more important for me at the moment..and I told God about my life, my hurtings and all that stuff.
Later I went to a walk through my hometown. and as I walked through the streets I found my fault. It´s not a big thing, well in fact it is but its not that difficult to find out..
I FIX WAY TOO MUCH ON THE BIG THINGS.
what I mean with that? All I think about at the moment is that I want to experience something big, something impressive, some miracles and healings, some people who turn around to Jesus and what do I know..
all of those things are very important and its still my wish to see that stuff...
but because nothing happened here the last days (how could? I didnt do ANYTHING for it) I was frustrated because I didnt experience anything..and I sat here at this Computer and I was bored to death..what is wrong about that? its simple: i´m not even able to live a relationship with my daddy. Can´t take some time alone with him..alone with him..
Instead of that I hang around at my computer and ask myself why everything is boring..
Goodness I´m really stupid sometimes!
I really made a decision FOR God and AGINST my computer today.
so the next time I really dont wanna hang around here that much..because its worth it to stay with daddy..when I walked around this evening I didnt want to turn back home because it was just wonderful to walk around and to know "God´s there! He´s right here with me!"
THATS what I wanna experience the rest of my holidays! (well and of course all my life!)
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
What a Saviour, what a story
You were crucified but now You are alive
So amazing, such a mystery
You were crucified but now You are alive
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
seems like I really found out whats going wrong in my life since a few days!
maybe I have to learn it the hard way, but if I dont understand it the easy way there´s no other chance ;)
I just took some time for daddy in heaven..so I just lay down on my bed and started to pray..after that I did some worship, but I gave it up soon because I realized that praying is more important for me at the moment..and I told God about my life, my hurtings and all that stuff.
Later I went to a walk through my hometown. and as I walked through the streets I found my fault. It´s not a big thing, well in fact it is but its not that difficult to find out..
I FIX WAY TOO MUCH ON THE BIG THINGS.
what I mean with that? All I think about at the moment is that I want to experience something big, something impressive, some miracles and healings, some people who turn around to Jesus and what do I know..
all of those things are very important and its still my wish to see that stuff...
but because nothing happened here the last days (how could? I didnt do ANYTHING for it) I was frustrated because I didnt experience anything..and I sat here at this Computer and I was bored to death..what is wrong about that? its simple: i´m not even able to live a relationship with my daddy. Can´t take some time alone with him..alone with him..
Instead of that I hang around at my computer and ask myself why everything is boring..
Goodness I´m really stupid sometimes!
I really made a decision FOR God and AGINST my computer today.
so the next time I really dont wanna hang around here that much..because its worth it to stay with daddy..when I walked around this evening I didnt want to turn back home because it was just wonderful to walk around and to know "God´s there! He´s right here with me!"
THATS what I wanna experience the rest of my holidays! (well and of course all my life!)
out-time needed!!
why the hell does this always happen to me??
I only sit here and wait and wait, doing nothing..
why can´t I just back my bags and fly away? why do I have to stay?? Jesus just take me away please..
damn I miss u but u really dont understand.u would never...
I´ll go now, take some time to talk to my wonderful daddy because I REALLY need advice..
help me lord..aaaaaaah!
I only sit here and wait and wait, doing nothing..
why can´t I just back my bags and fly away? why do I have to stay?? Jesus just take me away please..
damn I miss u but u really dont understand.u would never...
I´ll go now, take some time to talk to my wonderful daddy because I REALLY need advice..
help me lord..aaaaaaah!
the world is not enough for me...
the world is not enough for me
you can take the world just give me you!
All I want is you Jesus, I love you
all I have is you, all I want is you!
well thats what I realize at the moment..the world is not enough for me...
this world BORES me..
everyday when I wake up I think there must be MORE!
everyday I wake up I think it can´t be my life to wake up, go to school, stay there the whole day, coming back and doing some senseless stuff until I go to sleep.
is that really what life is about??
I don´t think so..God has more..and god can give me everything..
I wanna trust him for all that comes in the future..I know that this is really not very easy..because I´m such a control-freak!
but what happened all the time I tried it by myself? I FAILED!
of course I need to do my own part in all that happens..but I have to trust that God gives everything else I need..
at the moment its a bit hard to trust sometimes when all I see is that I dont wanna be here no more..but I know I´ll stay here for the next time because I haven´t got the chance to do go somewhere else...
so I´ll keep on going here..and I´ll keep on doing all the stuff I want to..I want it to be ordinary to go to the streets to talk to people and to pray for them..and thats what I´ll do!
And it all begins and ends with You
It all begins and ends with You
The first the last the center of it all
And in You all things are held together
The sun the moon the stars the heavens
Creator God, the center of it all
you can take the world just give me you!
All I want is you Jesus, I love you
all I have is you, all I want is you!
well thats what I realize at the moment..the world is not enough for me...
this world BORES me..
everyday when I wake up I think there must be MORE!
everyday I wake up I think it can´t be my life to wake up, go to school, stay there the whole day, coming back and doing some senseless stuff until I go to sleep.
is that really what life is about??
I don´t think so..God has more..and god can give me everything..
I wanna trust him for all that comes in the future..I know that this is really not very easy..because I´m such a control-freak!
but what happened all the time I tried it by myself? I FAILED!
of course I need to do my own part in all that happens..but I have to trust that God gives everything else I need..
at the moment its a bit hard to trust sometimes when all I see is that I dont wanna be here no more..but I know I´ll stay here for the next time because I haven´t got the chance to do go somewhere else...
so I´ll keep on going here..and I´ll keep on doing all the stuff I want to..I want it to be ordinary to go to the streets to talk to people and to pray for them..and thats what I´ll do!
And it all begins and ends with You
It all begins and ends with You
The first the last the center of it all
And in You all things are held together
The sun the moon the stars the heavens
Creator God, the center of it all
Abonnieren
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