whatever I did (I cant remember) Im ill now..-.-
that means I sit at home, reading, lying in bed, waiting that something happens, blowing my nose, drinking some tea...isnt that a boring life? wonderful, I couldnt imagine anything thats more wonderful..
and I ask myself how I should get through this horrible examination tomorrow?? I dont know..but actually I dont care..well I do care but just half-hearted..whatever..
yesterday when I was lying on my bed thinking my life through I realized which date it was...29th of september..when I realized that I wondered if I should cry or if I should laugh about it..
exactly two years ago at the 29th september I had a conversation that destroyed my heart. after that I ruined my life for months and ran away from god, pretending he wouldnt exist...
it was a really horrible time..when I think about it today Im not sure what to think about it. I think it was a very important time in my life where god teached me a lot, even when I felt like he wouldnt even be there.
its strange that ONE conversation can destroy EVERYTHING inside of u..maybe it wouldnt be like that today but 2 years ago it was exactly like this..
"not that bad" I think today..becos when I look at the circumstances with this person today its okay! but nevertheless its a bit strange to think about all the things that happened two years ago..I changed a lot..and Im really glad about it..
so these days God has a few hard challenges for me to take..with a few I dont quite know how to handle them but Im sure hell show me..
im just back to that one sentence of the tim hughes song:
my soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see
but still my hope is found in you.
thats just the way it is..hes all my hope becos any other hope doesnt really exist..what I also find a bit strange is that the last few days I read about 4 times of fully trust in god, let security go and get free through this. I dont really know what I should do now..actually thats exactly the answer that I need..it tells everything and it affirms me in the thoughts I have..
but Im not ready..and Im not strong enough to let my security go..maybe I do not trust enough..but that would be hard step..becos if I would let it go..I would stand there without ANYTHING..what to do lord??
Dienstag, 30. September 2008
Montag, 29. September 2008
loss
u would never believe how much I loved u.
u would never understand what I gave to u.
u would never see what it all did to me
u would never be interested in what I think
becos ur a real egoist.
becos u dont even care how much u hurt me through all those things u say
becos u dont even wanna try to understand what im trying to tell u
now I know were better off alone.
were better off on our owns
becos by my side youll never be again
becos we would only hurt each other
we would only bring each other down
and it still hurts so much to let u go.
becos I know u and I love what I know
and I miss u and it hurts to miss YOU
we experienced so much
we shared a lot
we shared days, songs, tears
we shared one bed and one chair
we shared our lives - we shared everything!
I cant let go but I have to.
so its best to get it all out.
every memorie becos it hurts too much
every picture becos it makes me cry
every little thing that I never thought would mean anything to me
makes me cry and fall to the ground now becos youre away.
so far away..
never coming back..
please never come back!!
u would never understand what I gave to u.
u would never see what it all did to me
u would never be interested in what I think
becos ur a real egoist.
becos u dont even care how much u hurt me through all those things u say
becos u dont even wanna try to understand what im trying to tell u
now I know were better off alone.
were better off on our owns
becos by my side youll never be again
becos we would only hurt each other
we would only bring each other down
and it still hurts so much to let u go.
becos I know u and I love what I know
and I miss u and it hurts to miss YOU
we experienced so much
we shared a lot
we shared days, songs, tears
we shared one bed and one chair
we shared our lives - we shared everything!
I cant let go but I have to.
so its best to get it all out.
every memorie becos it hurts too much
every picture becos it makes me cry
every little thing that I never thought would mean anything to me
makes me cry and fall to the ground now becos youre away.
so far away..
never coming back..
please never come back!!
Sonntag, 28. September 2008
a lot of stuff to think about...
its a bit difficult to describe my situation at the moment..
I feel a bit lost sometimes...lost in world thats too big for me and lost in things to do I dont wanna do and that are just too hard sometimes..
I know and I realize every and every day again that noone understands how hard it is for me to get into this school. noone sees how much I really really hate it deep inside..! how should they understand? theyve got their own problems and theyve never been there...so what do I expect?
whatever..
Today Ive been to goeppingen to the prophetic evening with stefan driess..
I expected to hear anything from god about my life becos I think Ive never been that planless in my life before..something else noone could understand becos everyone just sees me going to school and thinks Im gonna do that until september, which Im not very sure about.
so I sat there waiting and as it seems the lord hasnt got to say something to me. what do I think about that? I dont know..
what I definitely know is one thing: I arrived there with high expectations but I also realized at the beginning of the worship time that Im so fidgety and agitated inside of me that there was no sense in doing worship becos I wouldnt have done it from my heart.
so I just sat on my chair and prayed and talked to god and thought about some things. I prayed for calmness and peace inside of me. It took a while to get to the point were I at least felt able to worship God. So one last song was left to do that.
But it was good so I could fully concentrate at the things stefan told. and there was some useful information that gave me some inspiration to think about the next days..
its all a bit difficult becos I dont know where exactly god likes me to be..i have a good life here as long as I can spend some time with friends or experience some new things..but as soon as school comes to my mind I start to hate it..and I hate it most when school gets into the time I normally would spend with friends (for example the lunch time on monday where Im probably no longer gonna go becos I have not enough time..). that hurts my soul.
I have to find my way and I know that its my job from this day on to search for it. Im gonna try out some different things (as much as its possible) and Im gonna find out where Im right and which is probably not right for me. becos Im sure god will show me what is right and what isnt.
maybe he doesnt want to show me becos he wants me to find out by myself..and Im gonna do that..
after a few days I really feel content inside of my heart becos I really heard some good stuff today and I think I know what I have to do now..so actually I think god told me what he wanted to tell me ;) maybe not the way I expected, but what would our God be for a god if he would act like we expect him to?
Ill keep my eyes open and Ill go on fighting and Ill make the best out of it.
there was also a picture a woman had which I thought could fit to my situation.
she talked about a girl who sits in a prison . and she brought herself in that prison by herself. becos she lost a loved person and that made her grow colder ot better she just turned away from god a bit...but theres only one thing that can get her out of this prison - GOD, the holy spirit.
yeah damn fuck I lost a loved person and I still love that person in any way but not as it was and it shouldnt be like it was but it HURT so much to lose him. and I cried out in pain a hundred times and I couldnt understand why always me..I didnt blame god but I blamed myself and so I just started hiding these feelings..before the world, before god, before myself. the only time I came out were those moments when I was very weak and not strong enough to hide.
and Im gonna go out of my own prison into the light of God with the help of his spirit that makes me strong. Im not interested in wasting my time with things like sitting inside of my own built prison. Ive got much better things to do..
and I think I know now on which direction my step will go.
Im not interested in taking a step back. Im also not interested to stand still and to do nothing. I decided to take the step into gods holiness. maybe its not gonna be one big step and Im over there..I think its gonna be two or three little steps but Ill reach that place of gods holiness.
Im not lookin back now..Im going on..on and on without U on my mind.
I feel a bit lost sometimes...lost in world thats too big for me and lost in things to do I dont wanna do and that are just too hard sometimes..
I know and I realize every and every day again that noone understands how hard it is for me to get into this school. noone sees how much I really really hate it deep inside..! how should they understand? theyve got their own problems and theyve never been there...so what do I expect?
whatever..
Today Ive been to goeppingen to the prophetic evening with stefan driess..
I expected to hear anything from god about my life becos I think Ive never been that planless in my life before..something else noone could understand becos everyone just sees me going to school and thinks Im gonna do that until september, which Im not very sure about.
so I sat there waiting and as it seems the lord hasnt got to say something to me. what do I think about that? I dont know..
what I definitely know is one thing: I arrived there with high expectations but I also realized at the beginning of the worship time that Im so fidgety and agitated inside of me that there was no sense in doing worship becos I wouldnt have done it from my heart.
so I just sat on my chair and prayed and talked to god and thought about some things. I prayed for calmness and peace inside of me. It took a while to get to the point were I at least felt able to worship God. So one last song was left to do that.
But it was good so I could fully concentrate at the things stefan told. and there was some useful information that gave me some inspiration to think about the next days..
its all a bit difficult becos I dont know where exactly god likes me to be..i have a good life here as long as I can spend some time with friends or experience some new things..but as soon as school comes to my mind I start to hate it..and I hate it most when school gets into the time I normally would spend with friends (for example the lunch time on monday where Im probably no longer gonna go becos I have not enough time..). that hurts my soul.
I have to find my way and I know that its my job from this day on to search for it. Im gonna try out some different things (as much as its possible) and Im gonna find out where Im right and which is probably not right for me. becos Im sure god will show me what is right and what isnt.
maybe he doesnt want to show me becos he wants me to find out by myself..and Im gonna do that..
after a few days I really feel content inside of my heart becos I really heard some good stuff today and I think I know what I have to do now..so actually I think god told me what he wanted to tell me ;) maybe not the way I expected, but what would our God be for a god if he would act like we expect him to?
Ill keep my eyes open and Ill go on fighting and Ill make the best out of it.
there was also a picture a woman had which I thought could fit to my situation.
she talked about a girl who sits in a prison . and she brought herself in that prison by herself. becos she lost a loved person and that made her grow colder ot better she just turned away from god a bit...but theres only one thing that can get her out of this prison - GOD, the holy spirit.
yeah damn fuck I lost a loved person and I still love that person in any way but not as it was and it shouldnt be like it was but it HURT so much to lose him. and I cried out in pain a hundred times and I couldnt understand why always me..I didnt blame god but I blamed myself and so I just started hiding these feelings..before the world, before god, before myself. the only time I came out were those moments when I was very weak and not strong enough to hide.
and Im gonna go out of my own prison into the light of God with the help of his spirit that makes me strong. Im not interested in wasting my time with things like sitting inside of my own built prison. Ive got much better things to do..
and I think I know now on which direction my step will go.
Im not interested in taking a step back. Im also not interested to stand still and to do nothing. I decided to take the step into gods holiness. maybe its not gonna be one big step and Im over there..I think its gonna be two or three little steps but Ill reach that place of gods holiness.
Im not lookin back now..Im going on..on and on without U on my mind.
Freitag, 26. September 2008
conclusions!
shocking conclusions today!
went for a walk, felt very uncontent..didnt even know why?
sat down under a tree..waiting..talkin to God.
after half an hour still felt uncontent. but I went back..on the way back I just realized some things:
we people are so STUPID sometimes! we are here on this earth to live in community, to help each other. what do u think why here on this earth are billions of people? because we are not created to go alone. and how is it?
everyone lives his own life! everyone just cares about himself, noone opens his eyes to see where he could help somebody else whos in need! the first thing that need to be done is to safe yourself..everybody else can wait! oh how I hate this behaviour!!
How come that "friends" do not care any longer about u when they find a partner?? easy answer: they are fully occupied...with themselves and of course with their partner. Time for friends?? sorry, not enough time!
I always ask myself if I was like that too? or if I will be when I someday find the right man? if i would be like that too Id like to stay single all life long, cos I dont wanna neglect my friends..
I think were here to fight together, encourage each other, help each other, talk to each other, live LOVE. what happened to this world? what happened to its people??
2nd shocking conclusion.
theres this one senctence from a song that says "I havent got a choice anymore, the world is too far away from me now. Havent got a choice, youre [jesus] the only one who offers a life thats really worth it"
I always sang this song and thought "yeah thats just the way it is!!"...today I stood there and thought about it..and I realized: Im not yet too far away from the world to turn back to old life. Im on the edge. Ive got exactly 3 choices:
1st choice: I take one step further. then I would take a step over the edge and wont turn back.
2nd choice: I take a step back. that would mean that d turn back to old life, old habits.
3rd choice: doing nothing. would mean that nothing would change for the moment..Im safe on my place on the edge.
what I definitely not want is taking a step back. I hate my old life, I hate what happened and I dont wanna fall back to old habits that just brought me down and made my life feel like a big bunch of shit!
Id like to take a step further with god. so that Im on the way of life with him. (Im on the way of life with him now too but that would be radical). But Im not really ready. I tried to and I failed becos I realized Im just not ready.
so theres only one thing I can do. standing still. what doesnt mean that Im gonna sit down in my room now doing nothing.
Ill continue praying for an hour everyday without music and without anything else..Ill continue fighting (because theres nothing else I could do). Ill continue searching God and going the way he prepared. Ill continue searching for my way.
and the best thing about it: Ive got time. becos the lord gives me enough time to make decisions..and when the day comes when Ill take the step further this decision is made. its well thought-out. its done!
but he gives me enough time..the time Ill need to make important decisions.
and after I realized that...I was content and calm.
went for a walk, felt very uncontent..didnt even know why?
sat down under a tree..waiting..talkin to God.
after half an hour still felt uncontent. but I went back..on the way back I just realized some things:
we people are so STUPID sometimes! we are here on this earth to live in community, to help each other. what do u think why here on this earth are billions of people? because we are not created to go alone. and how is it?
everyone lives his own life! everyone just cares about himself, noone opens his eyes to see where he could help somebody else whos in need! the first thing that need to be done is to safe yourself..everybody else can wait! oh how I hate this behaviour!!
How come that "friends" do not care any longer about u when they find a partner?? easy answer: they are fully occupied...with themselves and of course with their partner. Time for friends?? sorry, not enough time!
I always ask myself if I was like that too? or if I will be when I someday find the right man? if i would be like that too Id like to stay single all life long, cos I dont wanna neglect my friends..
I think were here to fight together, encourage each other, help each other, talk to each other, live LOVE. what happened to this world? what happened to its people??
2nd shocking conclusion.
theres this one senctence from a song that says "I havent got a choice anymore, the world is too far away from me now. Havent got a choice, youre [jesus] the only one who offers a life thats really worth it"
I always sang this song and thought "yeah thats just the way it is!!"...today I stood there and thought about it..and I realized: Im not yet too far away from the world to turn back to old life. Im on the edge. Ive got exactly 3 choices:
1st choice: I take one step further. then I would take a step over the edge and wont turn back.
2nd choice: I take a step back. that would mean that d turn back to old life, old habits.
3rd choice: doing nothing. would mean that nothing would change for the moment..Im safe on my place on the edge.
what I definitely not want is taking a step back. I hate my old life, I hate what happened and I dont wanna fall back to old habits that just brought me down and made my life feel like a big bunch of shit!
Id like to take a step further with god. so that Im on the way of life with him. (Im on the way of life with him now too but that would be radical). But Im not really ready. I tried to and I failed becos I realized Im just not ready.
so theres only one thing I can do. standing still. what doesnt mean that Im gonna sit down in my room now doing nothing.
Ill continue praying for an hour everyday without music and without anything else..Ill continue fighting (because theres nothing else I could do). Ill continue searching God and going the way he prepared. Ill continue searching for my way.
and the best thing about it: Ive got time. becos the lord gives me enough time to make decisions..and when the day comes when Ill take the step further this decision is made. its well thought-out. its done!
but he gives me enough time..the time Ill need to make important decisions.
and after I realized that...I was content and calm.
Donnerstag, 25. September 2008
Im gonna break through
so I sit here in school having two hours free..
learned for one hour but Ive got the feeling it wasnt worth it...I dont now how to make it until monday..I really dont know..but Ill learn and learn and learn..
Ill do nothing but learning..except one thing:
Praying!
I really thought about sitting five hours in front of a wall..praying! and ill do that.
and Im gonna pray everyday at least one hour..and Im gonna go for a walk everyday..because when I went outside yesterday I just felt good after it..because I had some peace in my heart. and thats it what I realize every and every time I go for a walk...
And Im gonna read english books to improve my english...when this examination on monday is over.
Im gonna do useful things for my life. Im gonna clean up - my room and also my soul.
my room becos I need to throw away some things of the past. And my soul becos I need to get rid of old stuff and hurtings. get rid of the mad past becos it shouldnt enchain me in the presence..
thats what Im gonna do..and this time Im really gonna fight..becos this time Im strong enough to get through this all.
I want a clean life. I wanna be full of Gods love - PURE love and not mixed up with something mad! I wanna get radical in everything I do! Im goona break down the walls! Im gonna break through!!
learned for one hour but Ive got the feeling it wasnt worth it...I dont now how to make it until monday..I really dont know..but Ill learn and learn and learn..
Ill do nothing but learning..except one thing:
Praying!
I really thought about sitting five hours in front of a wall..praying! and ill do that.
and Im gonna pray everyday at least one hour..and Im gonna go for a walk everyday..because when I went outside yesterday I just felt good after it..because I had some peace in my heart. and thats it what I realize every and every time I go for a walk...
And Im gonna read english books to improve my english...when this examination on monday is over.
Im gonna do useful things for my life. Im gonna clean up - my room and also my soul.
my room becos I need to throw away some things of the past. And my soul becos I need to get rid of old stuff and hurtings. get rid of the mad past becos it shouldnt enchain me in the presence..
thats what Im gonna do..and this time Im really gonna fight..becos this time Im strong enough to get through this all.
I want a clean life. I wanna be full of Gods love - PURE love and not mixed up with something mad! I wanna get radical in everything I do! Im goona break down the walls! Im gonna break through!!
Mittwoch, 24. September 2008
breakin out - NOW!
Wann faellt der tropfen der das Fass zum ueberlaufen bringt?
wo bleibt der schmerz der die schmerzgrenze uebersteigt?
wo bleibt die Last die mein knie zum beugen bringt?
Damit ich vor dir meinem Herrn zerbreche.
es kommt die zeit,
mach mich bereit
zum ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit
Ich hab ja keine andre wahl mehr
denn die welt liegt schon zu weit von mir zurueck.
hab ja keine andere wahl mehr
du nur gibst das Leben das sich wirklich lohnt.
(Samuel Harfst - Ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit)
yeah thats what I want..out of this middlingness..into a life thats everything but middling.
I have enough from this daily grind..every day the same shit..whats this for?
I wanna reach my goals but it seems like Im rather running away from them..thats pretty depressing..
I dont know what I should do, the only thing that comes to my mind is fighting!
Fighting for my wishes and dreams. And trust! Trust in the lord that hes with me and that he still has everything in his hand.
And if fighting means that I have to learn business stuff all day and night long until it comes out of my ears, nose and mouth again - I will do. And I wont stop until Im through this shit here..I wont stop because Im strong..strong through christ and nothings gonna hold me down.
And if trust means that Ill have to sit in front of a wall 24 hours doing NOTHING, eatin nothing, drinkin nothing, no music, just silence, nothing but sitting there, staring and praying and TRUSTING that ANYTHING happens - I will do!
If thats what I need to do - going into some extremities - I will do!
because if thats the only thing that brings me to that f****n goal I wanna reach I have no other chance..
and Im gonna start NOW.immediately. with learning and learning and learning..
wo bleibt der schmerz der die schmerzgrenze uebersteigt?
wo bleibt die Last die mein knie zum beugen bringt?
Damit ich vor dir meinem Herrn zerbreche.
es kommt die zeit,
mach mich bereit
zum ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit
Ich hab ja keine andre wahl mehr
denn die welt liegt schon zu weit von mir zurueck.
hab ja keine andere wahl mehr
du nur gibst das Leben das sich wirklich lohnt.
(Samuel Harfst - Ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit)
yeah thats what I want..out of this middlingness..into a life thats everything but middling.
I have enough from this daily grind..every day the same shit..whats this for?
I wanna reach my goals but it seems like Im rather running away from them..thats pretty depressing..
I dont know what I should do, the only thing that comes to my mind is fighting!
Fighting for my wishes and dreams. And trust! Trust in the lord that hes with me and that he still has everything in his hand.
And if fighting means that I have to learn business stuff all day and night long until it comes out of my ears, nose and mouth again - I will do. And I wont stop until Im through this shit here..I wont stop because Im strong..strong through christ and nothings gonna hold me down.
And if trust means that Ill have to sit in front of a wall 24 hours doing NOTHING, eatin nothing, drinkin nothing, no music, just silence, nothing but sitting there, staring and praying and TRUSTING that ANYTHING happens - I will do!
If thats what I need to do - going into some extremities - I will do!
because if thats the only thing that brings me to that f****n goal I wanna reach I have no other chance..
and Im gonna start NOW.immediately. with learning and learning and learning..
inpatience...
Im just a bit angry at the moment because NOTHING works out how I wish at the moment.
Im sitting here and actually i should learn something becos I write business studies on monday..but I really cant concentrate on that shit even if I really try to..and its sooo boring..who wants to know this stuff???
in addition I wanted to fly to manchester in october to visit a wonderful person but how should it be?? Im not allowed to..because its sooooo stupid to go to england twice within 3 months..it makes me angry becos thats the only place I wanna be at the moment and its a deep wish to go there.
I mean, Im really thankful about all the stuff that happens here at the mom..
on sunday stefan driess will come to goeppingen and there will be a prophetic evening and Im really lookin foreward to this..the sunday after that there will be domino again and I like domino and Im thankful that Ive got a church like this..and Im thankful that I can be a part of it and that I can help to let it grow..and sunday in 3 weeks were gonna go to the jesus treff to stuttgart which is also very good, I enjoyed it the last time ive been there..
and Ive got some wonderful friends here who support me all the time and I really really love them..but i ask myself if its a tall order just to try to experience some new things or to wanna see the world.
Im stuck here and thats the fact that pisses me off..I know that I should fix my eyes on jesus and that I should just try to do here what i can do..and Im really trying to make the best out of it..but its a bit hard when I always fix on that I actually dont wanna be here..maybe I should really start to realize that I live HERE and NOW. and not that I live UNFORTUNETELY here...because that makes it so depressing to be here, to live here, to do anything..
I should just accept that Ill come back to england sometime, when god thinks that its time to come back..maybe thats in winter, maybe thats next summer (where I will definitely get back there)..or what do I know..his plan is bigger, he has everythin in his hands and hes got another timetable as I have...why am I always in hurry? is hould train to be more patient..comes time, comes Gods working..
Im sitting here and actually i should learn something becos I write business studies on monday..but I really cant concentrate on that shit even if I really try to..and its sooo boring..who wants to know this stuff???
in addition I wanted to fly to manchester in october to visit a wonderful person but how should it be?? Im not allowed to..because its sooooo stupid to go to england twice within 3 months..it makes me angry becos thats the only place I wanna be at the moment and its a deep wish to go there.
I mean, Im really thankful about all the stuff that happens here at the mom..
on sunday stefan driess will come to goeppingen and there will be a prophetic evening and Im really lookin foreward to this..the sunday after that there will be domino again and I like domino and Im thankful that Ive got a church like this..and Im thankful that I can be a part of it and that I can help to let it grow..and sunday in 3 weeks were gonna go to the jesus treff to stuttgart which is also very good, I enjoyed it the last time ive been there..
and Ive got some wonderful friends here who support me all the time and I really really love them..but i ask myself if its a tall order just to try to experience some new things or to wanna see the world.
Im stuck here and thats the fact that pisses me off..I know that I should fix my eyes on jesus and that I should just try to do here what i can do..and Im really trying to make the best out of it..but its a bit hard when I always fix on that I actually dont wanna be here..maybe I should really start to realize that I live HERE and NOW. and not that I live UNFORTUNETELY here...because that makes it so depressing to be here, to live here, to do anything..
I should just accept that Ill come back to england sometime, when god thinks that its time to come back..maybe thats in winter, maybe thats next summer (where I will definitely get back there)..or what do I know..his plan is bigger, he has everythin in his hands and hes got another timetable as I have...why am I always in hurry? is hould train to be more patient..comes time, comes Gods working..
Montag, 22. September 2008
praise from pain!
oh my goodness, some people are just too holy for me...
well of course its stupid..theyre not..but sometimes I feel like that...whatever..
had a good day today with some nice people around me while lunch time and also in the evening when we watched cars and ate some pizza ;)
it feels so good to have people around who dont care if Im great or not ;)
its good to know that those are the people who´ll let me go and who´ll support me in every way..because they are not only interested in keeping me here..they wanna see me happy..and I know that these are the friendships that are staying...and Im really happy about that.
so until now Im at least a bit motivated for tomorrow and the coming days in school..of course tis not really what Im dreamin about but whatever..Ill go on and its gonna be alright somehow..
Ive been very surprised on saturday when I drove home from the horseback riding. I listened to the desert song from Hillsongs and suddenly I heard one line of this song very clearly:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
how funny...thats exactly a line from the verses of the sermon where God spoke to me through his word in 1. Peter, 1,3-9 (7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed.)
I really needed to laugh because sometimes I have the feeling that God has to tell me some things 2,3 or maybe even 4 times until I really understand what he wants from me.
everything I suffer for is proving me..and Im gonna turn the suffer into praise. I wanna praise god for he is glorious!
well of course its stupid..theyre not..but sometimes I feel like that...whatever..
had a good day today with some nice people around me while lunch time and also in the evening when we watched cars and ate some pizza ;)
it feels so good to have people around who dont care if Im great or not ;)
its good to know that those are the people who´ll let me go and who´ll support me in every way..because they are not only interested in keeping me here..they wanna see me happy..and I know that these are the friendships that are staying...and Im really happy about that.
so until now Im at least a bit motivated for tomorrow and the coming days in school..of course tis not really what Im dreamin about but whatever..Ill go on and its gonna be alright somehow..
Ive been very surprised on saturday when I drove home from the horseback riding. I listened to the desert song from Hillsongs and suddenly I heard one line of this song very clearly:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
how funny...thats exactly a line from the verses of the sermon where God spoke to me through his word in 1. Peter, 1,3-9 (7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed.)
I really needed to laugh because sometimes I have the feeling that God has to tell me some things 2,3 or maybe even 4 times until I really understand what he wants from me.
everything I suffer for is proving me..and Im gonna turn the suffer into praise. I wanna praise god for he is glorious!
Sonntag, 21. September 2008
this life...
our DOMINO service today was nice.
I really enjoyed doing the worship because it felt like god wouldnt care about how it sounds like or if we play all the songs perfect but he looks after our heart and why we do this.
and I had my debut with my djembe.
it was quite funny because first I just felt like the biggest fool ever and I wasnt able to sing and to drum at the same time.
but after some songs it was easier just to join the music and I think it was okay..it wasnt good but it was okay, and thats enough for the first time in my opinion..Im still learning :)
the sermon was good because I recognized a few things I do wrong in my everyday life..and those things need to be changed..and I know that I CAN change them if god helps me to.
But theres something that makes me feel a bit wistful..:
summers over..! really over! Im really not a big fan of the winter..its cold, its grey and to be honest it just seems like the world is dead.
I dont like it..and summer was wonderful! even if I hadnt sun all the time..that wasnt important..i just had such a good time and some really wonderful people around me. and Im really thankful for all those wonderful experiences..
But I dont wanna go into this winter with negative thinking..I wanna live through the winter as happy as through the summer because Ive got a reason to be happy: Jesus loves me!
Im lookin foreward to this life, because God has a plan and a way for me..hes got everything in his hands and I know that there are some challenges, experiences, sad times but also good times in the future..he guides me and hes taking every single step with me..hell never let go of me..
und der herr tut auch heute noch wunder, stunde um stunde, tag fuer tag!!
thats just the way it is!! hes doing some miracles every and every day! hes my provider..he REALLY is!!
I really enjoyed doing the worship because it felt like god wouldnt care about how it sounds like or if we play all the songs perfect but he looks after our heart and why we do this.
and I had my debut with my djembe.
it was quite funny because first I just felt like the biggest fool ever and I wasnt able to sing and to drum at the same time.
but after some songs it was easier just to join the music and I think it was okay..it wasnt good but it was okay, and thats enough for the first time in my opinion..Im still learning :)
the sermon was good because I recognized a few things I do wrong in my everyday life..and those things need to be changed..and I know that I CAN change them if god helps me to.
But theres something that makes me feel a bit wistful..:
summers over..! really over! Im really not a big fan of the winter..its cold, its grey and to be honest it just seems like the world is dead.
I dont like it..and summer was wonderful! even if I hadnt sun all the time..that wasnt important..i just had such a good time and some really wonderful people around me. and Im really thankful for all those wonderful experiences..
But I dont wanna go into this winter with negative thinking..I wanna live through the winter as happy as through the summer because Ive got a reason to be happy: Jesus loves me!
Im lookin foreward to this life, because God has a plan and a way for me..hes got everything in his hands and I know that there are some challenges, experiences, sad times but also good times in the future..he guides me and hes taking every single step with me..hell never let go of me..
und der herr tut auch heute noch wunder, stunde um stunde, tag fuer tag!!
thats just the way it is!! hes doing some miracles every and every day! hes my provider..he REALLY is!!
Freitag, 19. September 2008
Resting in gods arms..
its so good just to lie in gods arms and to know that Im safe.
what I absolutely love about my god is that Im allowed to tell him when Im uncontent and when I feel mad. Im allowed to shout out when I feel like it...and I can even cry before him when Im desperate..and he still loves me. and hes my comforter..and he takes me into his loving arms and tells me that everythings alright as long as Im with him - and hes right!!
so I just sat underneath a tree this afternoon and I just felt like talking, telling, shouting to god and thats exactly what I did.
when I sat there I suddenly realized its not that bad..I saw the wonderful nature around me. I saw the creation of God. and I thought about that he would never forget me when he even cares about the flowers on the fields. And it was so good to rest in his presence after this week full of work, stress and disappointments..
I really decided to do this more often...even if I think I wouldnt have time between all the stress and the school-life and stuff..I will take my time..because if I dont do that I lose all the strength..and without the strength that only Jesus can give Im lost in this world..because Im not strong enough to stand the fight against this world alone..
Because Jesus said in John 15,18 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first"
and thats okay as long as I know that he goes with me through the world that hates me..because if he does theres nothing that could bring me down - NOTHING!
what I absolutely love about my god is that Im allowed to tell him when Im uncontent and when I feel mad. Im allowed to shout out when I feel like it...and I can even cry before him when Im desperate..and he still loves me. and hes my comforter..and he takes me into his loving arms and tells me that everythings alright as long as Im with him - and hes right!!
so I just sat underneath a tree this afternoon and I just felt like talking, telling, shouting to god and thats exactly what I did.
when I sat there I suddenly realized its not that bad..I saw the wonderful nature around me. I saw the creation of God. and I thought about that he would never forget me when he even cares about the flowers on the fields. And it was so good to rest in his presence after this week full of work, stress and disappointments..
I really decided to do this more often...even if I think I wouldnt have time between all the stress and the school-life and stuff..I will take my time..because if I dont do that I lose all the strength..and without the strength that only Jesus can give Im lost in this world..because Im not strong enough to stand the fight against this world alone..
Because Jesus said in John 15,18 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first"
and thats okay as long as I know that he goes with me through the world that hates me..because if he does theres nothing that could bring me down - NOTHING!
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