whatever??

I expected a lot from this weekend on the camp..but what happened I really didn´t expect...NOTHING about it!
It began with a big surprise..and it ends up with a lot of confusion, words unsaid, things undone.
Slowly I start to think that it has to be my way to go to any camp and to come back with a lot of confusion, frustration and with more thoughts in my stupid head than before...-.-
I see no sense in all of it, but maybe the lord will show me someday..
I know it´s better that way but that´s not a reason to feel alright. it´s not a reason to feel happy or saved..it´s rather a reason to accept even you do not understand, to let jesus work because he will work it out right..is it trust? maybe it´s trust!
I´m really tired..physically because I didn´t get much sleep tonight but worked the whole day, but also psychical because it was way too much..
I expected a lot from god, for example some konfis who give their life to him, some miracles or I even don´t know what I expected..but jesus did it the other way round..
he really brought ME to the edge of my stamina. on the evening where the konfis should have the chance to let pray for them and to give their life to jesus, I was in the team that should pray for them. what happened? NOBODY came..nobody needed a prayer or something else..but I DID!
I was the one nearly breakin down because I just couldn´t take it at all..so I was the one cryin and couldn´t even whisper "Jesus..help me!"
until someone of the other people that should pray for the konfis just laid his hand upon my shoulder..and he prayed something, I don´t know a word of what he said because he did it all by himself..but suddenly I was able, no that´s the wrong word, I NEEDED to bless the lord!
I don´t know what it was, maybe I should ask him what he prayed but it was overwhelming me..so that I could even go to the best girl I´ve ever met and comfort her (I tried.. I hope it was okay!)
what happened there jesus? and all the time I´m somewhere between crying and feeling desperate..and on the otherhand I´m laughing because god send someone who really tried to make me laugh..you don´t know how thankful I am..
so there happened a few other things that confuse me, my whole life seems to be a big mountain of confusion..maybe that´s typically for me..have I ever been NOT confused?
whatever..there´s no sense in sitting here and write all this shit because nobody cares, nobody reads it, nobody needs it..
but I think it´s just another way to get the confusion out of my mind..and most of all: to pull the pain away from me..it´s too painful to think about and to take it.. that´s wrong..but I think the time where I HAVE to take it will come soon enough..

yes, I MISS you too!