I hate it to be scared about the future

ich komm mir schon etwas bekloppt dabei vor hier um viertel 3 nachts (morgens) am PC zu sitzen und topfit zu sein..ich kann nich schlafen das is abnormal..
ich glaub ich werd jetz anfangen zu packen (ja ich weiss ich bin schlecht, ich habs wirklich immernoch nicht getan).irgendwie fuehl ich mich heute wirklich komisch..
ich bin traurig..weil immernoch weh tut.weil ich mich hilflos fuehl und nicht weiss was ich tun kann und soll.ich kann keinen tee mehr riechen und keine hustenbonbons mehr schmecken..es macht mich krank!
ich weiss da ist n weg! n weg mit gott! der weg wird toll! das problem ist nur dass ich ihn im moment nicht sehe weil ich nicht genau weiss wo ich hinlaufen soll..es ist schwer...nicht zu wissen wo man rauskommen wird weil man gar nicht genau weiss wo man hin will..und wenn man weiss wo man hin will weiss man nicht wie man hinkommen soll. denn alles kostet geld.und ich hab keins.
eigentlich wuerde ich gern von daheim ausziehen..in ne wg oder so.
ich bin mir ziemlich sicher dadurch wuerden einige differenzen verschwinden und vieles waere vllt einfacher.aber woher das geld nhemen?
ich wuerde gerne an so viele orte gehen. aber wie soll ich da hinkommen. ohne geld? geht nich.
gut, wie bekommt man geld..durch arbeiten. was braucht man zum arbeiten? zeit. hab ich die? NEIN! wie denn auch bei der haufen an scheisse den ich in dieser wunderbaren schule so vor mir hab!? ich weiss mein entschluss war und ist es auch immernoch nach den ferien die 13.1 zu bestreiten und fuer meinen scheiss BWL kurz zu kaempfen. ich hab mir vorgenommen ich werd alle Hebel in bewegung setzen. im moment hab ich nur ein problem:
wenn ich daran denke dass ich nach den ferien wieder in diese anstalt muss dann bekomm ich einfach nur das kotzen! ich HASSE es! ich habe nie etwas mehr gehasst als das! wirklich es ist der alptraum auf erden! eigentlich will ich nicht...
ich hab jetzt 6 wochen zeit so weit zu kommen dass ich neue motivation schoepfen kann..wie das gehen soll weiss ich auch nicht..aber ich werd viel ruhe und zeit fuer mich mit gott brauchen um da hinzukommen..nur so koennte es unter umstaenden funktionieren..wenn es das nicht tut..dann hab ich n problem!

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

so I´m holding on (I´m still holding)

I´m holding on, I´m barely holding on to you

god is good

cool stuff..today I wrote with a girl that was a very good friend of mine when I was a child..and we talked about that we could meet in these holidays..and so we arranged that we would meet tomorrow.
that´s pretty cool because I didn´t see her for at least 2 years..
I´m lookin foreward, I don´t know anything about her, but I think we will have a good time..it´s great to meet people you haven´t seen for years!
I should pack my bags now..I didn´t start packing till now and on sunday morning I´ll go to the Zeltstadt..when I meet Aline tomorrow I won´t have much time..oh really I´m not that good, but I hate packing..:/
but well..I´m so happy that I can go there..I think I will even survive it to pack my bag ;)

changing me

I´m so glad to have holidays, and today it was a good day..I´ve been to the jugendwerk to talk to steffi, drink a lot of coffee and I helped her a little bit.
I like it there, it´s a place full of warmth and love, I love the people because they are so friendly and open-hearted.
I made a decision..this summer I wanna start again...start again to change myself..
there are many things I have to learn and many things that need a lot of work to get changed..but I know jesus works with me..
I wanna be what that manchaster-guy saw in me: I wanna be a pure love giver!!
I wanna show the world the love that God has for EVERYONE of us! I wanna give love and be a light (of god) in this world. I wanna be friendly and kind. I wanna be a receiver of everything god has to offer, and I also wanna be a giver of all of that to the world!
And I also wanna get things out of my life that destroy me. I don´t want to be aggressive anymore..I know it needs not much to get me aggressive..especially against my parents or somebody else. but I know this is not good, so I wanna train to get it away. It will be a hard therapy..but God is the leader of this therapy and I´m sure it will work.
Just like I wanna learn not to be so damn suspicious and jealous all the time..it´s just like poison for relationships..and if I don´t fight against that I´ll never be happy!
and there are still some things where I destroy myslef and that´s for sure not the plan god has for me..
It will be a long long way to get rid of all these things...and it will be a ahrd way..I know I´ll need to fight..but I know I can make it with gods help..
I don´t think much of psychologists because I´m sure they couldn´t help me at all..And I don´t think I´m sick enough to go there ;)
so jesus, I want YOU to be my guider through this "therapy"..and I´m sure we´re gonna make it..because we´re a team!! and nobody can stop us!!

crazy world..but god stands over everything!

Today I needed to realize one more time how SICK this word is.
I just watched such a stupid series on MTV.."MTV MASTERS"..it was about famous people and their lives...and jesus, I ask myself if the people who made this series are really normal or if they have mental problems..I´m sorry, but they really find it funny to rejoice theirselves in the fact that these people are fucked up, empty and that their life is an only mess.
they find it funny to say that you either have to be a borderliner or you have to be shizophrenic to survive it being a star...
jesus, what´s this for a world we´re living in???
and that´s not everything..they find it good that those people are sick..because so they have something to laugh about and to amuse themselves. how sick is that??
it´s a fucking crazy world...

In addict this day way very confusing because I heard things that really surprised me..but I don´t really believe this..I know him and I don´t think that he would..feel like that..I don´t believe that!
But I´m too weak to do anything at the moment..and I don´t wanna do anything at all..because I don´t always wanna be the one who tries and tries..I´ll only wait..
because the only thing I´ll do the next time is spending my time with god, because that´s the most important thing at the moment! I don´t wanna be the one who always is the one who´s running after somebody, and I also don´t wanna be the one who wants to hear reproaches and assumptions all the time to feel like the biggest asshole in this worl..no longer..not with me!
Do what you want, you won´t get me down, no matter what u tell me!

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy,
But no one believes me,
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing can save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.

If you believe it's in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I'm better off on my own.

On my own...

I tried to be perfect,
It just wasn't worth it,
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me,
It never gets easy,
I guess I knew that all along.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

holidays

I´m free!
notyet forever..but at least for the next 6-7 weeks..and people, you don´t know how it feels like:
all the stress, the mental and the physical pressure is falling from me.
no more trying to reach things you can´t reach, no more reason to feel like a loser, no more conflicts with people who have your whole future in their hands, no more unfairness and no BWL-teacher who just tells me I´m not good enough!
this year it´s MY SUMMER!
I´ll go to the zeltstadt and I´m sure god is moving foreward with me..step by step, slowly but surely!
I´ll go to Taize (pray that everything goes right), I think it will be a time full of freedom, peace and a good chance to spend some time (really alone) with Kaddi, because she heals my heart!
when everything goes right I even go to Hockenheim which is wonderful because I think what the gallants do is amazing and I love spending time just to sit there ans listen to their wonderful music or to what they pray and preach! thank god for all those wonderful chances I get this summer, to see him move, to see him move ME and yeah, I wanna see miracles lord, because I know you´re a big, almight and most of all a LIVING god and you still change the world!
I´m lookin foreward!

back in GODS HAND!

I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
You couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God’s hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it’s the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn’t enough
We got so tired that we just gave up

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God’s hands

We didn’t respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this

Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It’s part of a plan
It’s back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

Oh it didn’t last
It’s a thing of the past
No we didn’t understand
Oh just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

(Nelly Furtado feat Keith Urban - In gods hand)

this song seems to fit perfectly..I hate songs that say what I feel because they make me cry..
I hate it that I sit here and I can´t get my ass ANYWHERE because I´m too lazy and too weak!
but hey, yeah baby, I´M ALRIGHT!! YOU SEE THAT? awesome!
so maybe you know it better now!

lonely, but staying quiet

all I need
is the air I breathe
and a place to rest my head

and actually I wanna scream and cry my soul out and I wanna tell it everyone because I just think it could help me in any way but I know it´s senseless to talk because there´s nothing I can do, nothing won´t change through that so I stay quiet and stay in my little room to cry it out..
slowly I´m fading away..and sometimes I hope that I would never come back...

Now I'm sitting on a plane
Lonely flight back to L.A.
Don't come back with me
So I'll drink myself to sleep
Cut my skin until I bleed
Hold my breath all the night

Cause it's 5 o'clock
The hour stops the sunlight
And the buildings shade the masquerade and kill time

Hear the sound
She was naked on the ground
Till I whispered in her ear
Come away, watch the dawn break through the day
Till the sun is underneath

Cause it's 5 o'clock
The hour stops the sunlight
And the buildings shade the masquerade and kill time
Here we're nothing more than fools and whores and sad highs
Through the summer sand, we're living in
We're living in a wasteland

It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland for me

And we're nothing more than fools and whores and sad highs
Through the summer sand, we're living in
We're living in a wasteland

It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland for me
For me

Till I get over you

everytime i feel alone
i can blame it on you
and i do
you got me like a loaded gun,
golden sun,
and skies so blue

we both know
that we want it
but we both know
you left me no choice

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
so I'm counting my tears
till I get over you

sometimes i watch the world go by
i wonder what it was like
to wake up every single day, smile on your face
you never try

we both know
we can't change it
but we both know
we'll just have to face it

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
so I'm counting my tears
till I get over you

if only i could give you up
would i want to let you
off of this soapbox, baby?

we both know
that we want it
but we both know
you left me no choice

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
so I'm counting my tears
till I get over you

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
je pretends que tout va bien

we both know
that i'm not over you

i'm not over you
(Michelle Branch - Till I get over you)

why can´t you see..??

why don´t you understand how much it hurts?
I can´t go on because it hurt too much the last time..why can´t you see that I´m hurt and crumbled and broken??
and why can´t you see that I miss you so much? that I lie awake in the night and see your eyes and I remember how it felt to lie next to you? and on the one hand there´s nothing I wish more than to have you beside me..and on the other hand I´m just too afraid that it ends up the same way it did before..can´t you see what I gave to you? what I invested in you? how many times I´ve been down because you couldn´t show me your love because SHE destroyed everything in you?
you know how it feels to see that there´s still someone who´s in your life, even if it´s just what was destroyed in you through her? maybe you see it now, because now I AM in this situation.
you tell me everything I did wrong! every minute you find something new what was horrible with me..my jealousy or that I couldn´t trust you and god knows what else..
and so you wanna tell me that all you want is to have me back?
maybe you understand that this is something I can´t believe when all you do is telling me that I´m such an asshole..and YES I AM!
but what can I do against feelings..I can´t fight them..maybe you did it, you fought against the feelings for her..but so you can do it again.
I can´t do anything at all..because I´m the fucking loser anyway..but I´ll live with it and I wanna smile, even with tears in my eyes..
At the moment I can´t..but maybe in time...

buried alive by love

ja mann ist das geil mir die ganze zeit zu sagen dass du jetzt sterben gehst?? ich mein hey, mir gehts einfach super mit der ganzen sache, ist dir das vllt auch schonmal aufgefallen??
immer bin ich das arschloch das man fuer alles verantwortlich machen kann. weil immer ich es verkack oder??
immer nur schoen mitten in die fresse rein ne? egoistischer gehts nich mehr!!
ja das geht mir wirklich gegen den strich! ich hab auch gefuehle falls es dir noch nicht aufgefallen ist...aber immer bin ich so unglaublich verletzend..warum muss immer ich nach dir schaun? mich um dich kuemmern? gucken dass es dir moeglichst gut geht, auch wenn ich dran krepieren wuerde!?
ich scheiss drauf, ich scheiss auf alles, ich bin auch nur ein mensch okay? ich kann nichts uebermenschliches tragen und ICH WILL ES AUCH NICHT!
ich dachte was friedliches waere moeglicih..aber diese gedanken darf ich dann wohl fuer immer begraben...aber auch darauf scheiss ich langsam! JA es ist mir einfach zu bloed!!!! ich bin nicht dein fußabstreicher oder derjenige an dem du alles ablassen kannst was dir gerade nicht passt!
Das war ich lange genug!

To cry is to know that you're alive
But my river of tears has run dry
I never wanted to fool you, no
But a cold heart is a dead heart
And it feels like I've been buried alive by love

keane und dessen wirkung..

...und immer wenns gar nich mehr geht dann hau ich mir KEANE in den CD-player, volles programm, 2 CD´s durch und danach gehts mir jedes mal wenigstens ein bisschen besser.
was hat dieses band dass sie mich am leben erhaelt? war schon vor zwei jahren so!
irgendwas an der musik heilt mich..ich kann mir aber nich erklaeren was..ist ja auch egal..hauptsache es hilft..irgendwas musste heute schon passieren, das war der schlimmste tag seit langem...schonmal den ganzen schrank ausgemistet nur um irgendwas zu tun was einen ablenkt? na dann willkommen im club!
ich hab das gefuehl ich hab alles verloren..mir ziehts mein leben unter den fueßen weg und ich kann gar nichts dagegen tun..und das einzige was ich will ist mich einfach von hier zu verpissen..und wenn ich diese behinderte schule nicht weiter machen muesste wuerde ich GENAU DAS tun! sowas verkorkstes..wie schoen es waere einfach mal fuer n paar monate RUHE und FRIEDEN zu haben..keine nervenden menschen um einen rum, keine dummen entscheidungen die andere von einem verlangen, keine eltern die einem vorhalten dass man ja selber eher zum groeßeren teil dran schuld is dass die beziehung im eimer ist!
keine alptraeume von irgendwelchen schulen in die ich muss weil ich sowas dummes wie abitur machen will..(will ich ueberhaupt??)..keine abschiedsparties mehr die einen sowieso noch mehr depressiv stimmen denn diesesmal waere ICH diejenige die sich verpissen wuerde und glaubt mir leute, NICHTS haelt mich hier! ich wuerd gehen ohne reue, ich wuerd gehen ohne furcht..ich wuerd allen davon erzaehln und alle wuerden verstehen..
naja schoener traum..es geht weiter..jeden tag den gleichen bullshit...when will it come to an end?
how long lord??


it´s just the way it´s always been that I´m the one
who´s left in pain when summertimes move on

it´s okay the world is going down
but that´s alright heaven holds a place for me
okay..the world is going down but that´s alright
someday I will be just fine

and now I´m on my own
waiting till life´s over
oh won´t you read between the lines and change your mind and love me..
no forget what I just said!

Goodbye
I kiss the ones I love one last time
and tell them not to cry cos it´s okay
it´s okay
I´ll see you on another day

wanna run away...

for here and now I feel so fucked up..
I miss you..I really really miss you..and it does not feel like it´s getting better soon..
and how hard it is, but I don´t think it would be better if we would still be together..there´s no chance to be happy..not with you..and also not without you!
it feels like everything I have been holding on to is just broken and splittered to a thousand pieces..
holding on to you was like holding on to nothing!
so that´s one more proof that the only thing I should hold on to is god, because everything else is fleeting..but even that is hard at the moment..god where are you?
I wanna seek you but I can´t find you because I just can´t get silent, I can´t get calm..I´m thinking too much!
maybe I should write a song to get it out of my mind..but I just don´t feel like it because that actually makes it even worse...I felt alone in hamburg because I felt lost in that fucking city and I hate it! but here I don´t feel different at all..sitting in my room, staring into the sky or at the wall but I can´t find something that would help me..listening to depressing music..and the only thing I wish is to get away from here...jesus please just take me away..I NEED TO RUN AWAY!

Hamburg..

well I´m back from Hamburg..and I´m more than glad about that..
well nice city..but not for me!
it´s too big, too dirty, too loud and the people are very busy..they are so elegant..they drive big expensive cars..the u-bahn station is very confusing and EVERYTHING´s just too big and too confusing..I never thought I could say I´m glad to come back to owen, but really: I AM!!
whatever..now I´m here again and it´s not much better than one week ago..Still feel empty and doon´t know what to do..I hadn´t much time for myself in Hamburg..I hadn´t time to think about some things and I couldn´t make decisions I should make as fast as I can..
I went to St. Pauli two times..and it shocked me..I knew that there would be a lot of sex-stuff..but I didn´t know it´s that hard! ugly..I´m sorry but really..
I´ve been at the Timmendorfer beach, and it was really awesome..first time after 3 years that I´ve been at the sea..what a feeling..for a few hours I really felt good..
back here everythings just like before..but I´m lookin foreward to domino tomorrow because katrin´s gonna preach and I´m sure it will be awesome!
And yes, Jesus really loves me..cos two days ago, on thursday I wrote samu if there´s a chance to go to the zeltstadt as staff member..and hey, it´s really possible..the funny thing is that zeltstart begins at sunday next week..I didn´t really believe that I would have a chance..but I will be there and it´s soooo good to know that! Thanks God!!!

feeling fucked up..

at the moment I feel like the biggest asshole in this big world..
and I almost guess I really am!
I feel like that because I hurt him..and I´m the one who can´t go on..and I´m so sorry about that..but I think we would destroy much more than we already have..and I don´t want that because you are too important!
and I hate that I have to go to hamburg tomorrow because I absolutely don´t know what I should do there because I guess everyone´s just like "yeeaaah party, let´s drink alcohol, let´s dance, let´s celebrate!"
and I´m just like "go away, get your fuckin ass out of the door, let me sleep, let me cry, let me be depressive and let me listen to my music!"
of course the people of my class aren´t guilty, but I´m sorry I´m just not in the right mood to do party! maybe it´s good to get other thoughts, but I´m already sure that won´t be possible!
I think way too much, also about the stupid things I can´t get out of my head..I really wanna give it all to jesus, but there are so many things I just cannot understand and I ask and ask but there´s no clear answer..I´m down and it hurts bad..
I wanna talk about it and talk and talk and I can´t stop, but I have to because I don´t wanna be annoying to people or something...

whatever??

I expected a lot from this weekend on the camp..but what happened I really didn´t expect...NOTHING about it!
It began with a big surprise..and it ends up with a lot of confusion, words unsaid, things undone.
Slowly I start to think that it has to be my way to go to any camp and to come back with a lot of confusion, frustration and with more thoughts in my stupid head than before...-.-
I see no sense in all of it, but maybe the lord will show me someday..
I know it´s better that way but that´s not a reason to feel alright. it´s not a reason to feel happy or saved..it´s rather a reason to accept even you do not understand, to let jesus work because he will work it out right..is it trust? maybe it´s trust!
I´m really tired..physically because I didn´t get much sleep tonight but worked the whole day, but also psychical because it was way too much..
I expected a lot from god, for example some konfis who give their life to him, some miracles or I even don´t know what I expected..but jesus did it the other way round..
he really brought ME to the edge of my stamina. on the evening where the konfis should have the chance to let pray for them and to give their life to jesus, I was in the team that should pray for them. what happened? NOBODY came..nobody needed a prayer or something else..but I DID!
I was the one nearly breakin down because I just couldn´t take it at all..so I was the one cryin and couldn´t even whisper "Jesus..help me!"
until someone of the other people that should pray for the konfis just laid his hand upon my shoulder..and he prayed something, I don´t know a word of what he said because he did it all by himself..but suddenly I was able, no that´s the wrong word, I NEEDED to bless the lord!
I don´t know what it was, maybe I should ask him what he prayed but it was overwhelming me..so that I could even go to the best girl I´ve ever met and comfort her (I tried.. I hope it was okay!)
what happened there jesus? and all the time I´m somewhere between crying and feeling desperate..and on the otherhand I´m laughing because god send someone who really tried to make me laugh..you don´t know how thankful I am..
so there happened a few other things that confuse me, my whole life seems to be a big mountain of confusion..maybe that´s typically for me..have I ever been NOT confused?
whatever..there´s no sense in sitting here and write all this shit because nobody cares, nobody reads it, nobody needs it..
but I think it´s just another way to get the confusion out of my mind..and most of all: to pull the pain away from me..it´s too painful to think about and to take it.. that´s wrong..but I think the time where I HAVE to take it will come soon enough..

yes, I MISS you too!

how you love me

thank you jesus..I f-i-n-a-l-l-y wrote a new song, and I´m so glad about that because for months I just couldn´t write down ANYTHING!
there was only one topic I was writing about..but it should be over and out so there´s nothing to write about that anymore..so I needed to turn my focus on..gues what? jesus of course!
here´s the result:

to you I come again oh Lord
and I know you want me
I´m hurt and crumbled from this world
but I know you still love me

you take me out of the deepest mudd
you pull me out of here into your loving arms

how you love me
I´m too weak but still you are strong
oh how you love me
I am dead but through you I´m alive again
how you love me
I can be sure: I am loved!

ich sang die ganze zeit von dir

Weißt du was du mir bedeutest?
Auf einem Platz in meinem Herz
Steht dein Name an der Wand
Und ich will dass du es erfährst
Ich werde immer an dich glauben
Egal was auch passiert
Manche singen von ihm
Ich sang die ganze Zeit von dir


oh yes here you read it..and that´s nothing but the truth
nothing but my thoughts
nothing but my life!

jesus..guide me..

oh jesus..sometimes it´s hard to be obediant...in fact at the moment it´s more than hard..because I hate the thought of going to school again after the summerholidays because today I got back 0 points in BWL. It´s so disappointing to know that you learned soo much but it was not worth it..
and that makes it much harder to go there again..
But Jesus, I beg you to be my friend through all this time and I want you to lead me because I know that I´m not strong enough to make it through this nightmare..
it seems like a neverending story without good end, but deep in my heart I know that in the end everythings gonna be alright!
Jesus I know I have absolutely no chance in this live without you..you´re the only one who can guide me..but you also put people in my life that are amazing and awesome and so helpful! I know you sent them to me..and I´m so thankful because without them I almost would be as lost as I am without you..
I lay my life down at your feed..into your hands I commend my spirit! and I know you´ll make it right!

Jesus gave me a new point of view

what´s going on here?
I´m getting more confused every day..
the last two days were very hard..because I thought I already made my desicion about breakin up school and going to england and stuff.
but yesterday I had a conversation with my sister..it was a very serious conversation, maybe I could say it was god who opened my eyes a bit more..so she told me not to give up and to try again and go on..so I prayed and I said to jesus that he should show me where to go and which way I should choose..I keep my eyes open..and today there were two signs that told me not to give up:
1st one was in the sermon of the preacher in notzingen. he talked about the way to god...about the journey of Mose and the Israelis..they had to walk through the desert for 40 years..and so many times they struggled and they blamed god and they wished they would have died in Egypt..just because it was so hard..and he said that sometimes you need to go through the dirt and the hardest times if you wanna follow jesus´way..so what do I do at the moment?
well I could say I´m in the hardest time of my life (that´s a fact). Don´t know which way to go, don´t know what to do..wheter I should stay or just go away..I know there´s only ONE man who knows what I should and what I will do..JESUS!
the 2nd sign was in DOMINO today..Ruby did a real good sermon..it was so awesome..it was about being obediant to god..and she said that we people always try to find gods way for us and that we are very focused on going away to missions and stuff..but that´s not what it´s about..there´s no problem in being on missions someday..yeah I really want that anytime..
But god puts us on places and he knows why. He puts me there - and he didn´t do that without reason..so I´m here and I have to try to make the best out of it..
So I made my desicion: I´ll try to get through class 13.1! And if I´m still that bad and if I still do not have a course in BWL..then I´ll break up..because then I took every chance I had and there is nothing I didn´t try..And I prayed to god..and I said if he wants me to get my ABI he´ll let me pass BWL..and if he has another way for me he´ll "let me fail"..and then I know for sure what´s going on..it´s a kinda hard decision because I loved the thought that I would be free after my last examination yesterday..it´s hard to give up that thought..on the other hand I think about what´s possible with ABI..jesus when I got this shit I really have the chance to GO AWAY..and then I can really go away, maybe much longer because I have this fuckin abi and I can start study or an apprenticeship whenever I want..then I have the time to really GO FOR JESUS!
I´m not very happy about the thought to go on in school..but I promise that I´ll give EVERYTHING to get as far as I can..!
that´s it and nothing more..