I hate it to be scared about the future

ich komm mir schon etwas bekloppt dabei vor hier um viertel 3 nachts (morgens) am PC zu sitzen und topfit zu sein..ich kann nich schlafen das is abnormal..
ich glaub ich werd jetz anfangen zu packen (ja ich weiss ich bin schlecht, ich habs wirklich immernoch nicht getan).irgendwie fuehl ich mich heute wirklich komisch..
ich bin traurig..weil immernoch weh tut.weil ich mich hilflos fuehl und nicht weiss was ich tun kann und soll.ich kann keinen tee mehr riechen und keine hustenbonbons mehr schmecken..es macht mich krank!
ich weiss da ist n weg! n weg mit gott! der weg wird toll! das problem ist nur dass ich ihn im moment nicht sehe weil ich nicht genau weiss wo ich hinlaufen soll..es ist schwer...nicht zu wissen wo man rauskommen wird weil man gar nicht genau weiss wo man hin will..und wenn man weiss wo man hin will weiss man nicht wie man hinkommen soll. denn alles kostet geld.und ich hab keins.
eigentlich wuerde ich gern von daheim ausziehen..in ne wg oder so.
ich bin mir ziemlich sicher dadurch wuerden einige differenzen verschwinden und vieles waere vllt einfacher.aber woher das geld nhemen?
ich wuerde gerne an so viele orte gehen. aber wie soll ich da hinkommen. ohne geld? geht nich.
gut, wie bekommt man geld..durch arbeiten. was braucht man zum arbeiten? zeit. hab ich die? NEIN! wie denn auch bei der haufen an scheisse den ich in dieser wunderbaren schule so vor mir hab!? ich weiss mein entschluss war und ist es auch immernoch nach den ferien die 13.1 zu bestreiten und fuer meinen scheiss BWL kurz zu kaempfen. ich hab mir vorgenommen ich werd alle Hebel in bewegung setzen. im moment hab ich nur ein problem:
wenn ich daran denke dass ich nach den ferien wieder in diese anstalt muss dann bekomm ich einfach nur das kotzen! ich HASSE es! ich habe nie etwas mehr gehasst als das! wirklich es ist der alptraum auf erden! eigentlich will ich nicht...
ich hab jetzt 6 wochen zeit so weit zu kommen dass ich neue motivation schoepfen kann..wie das gehen soll weiss ich auch nicht..aber ich werd viel ruhe und zeit fuer mich mit gott brauchen um da hinzukommen..nur so koennte es unter umstaenden funktionieren..wenn es das nicht tut..dann hab ich n problem!

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

so I´m holding on (I´m still holding)

I´m holding on, I´m barely holding on to you

god is good

cool stuff..today I wrote with a girl that was a very good friend of mine when I was a child..and we talked about that we could meet in these holidays..and so we arranged that we would meet tomorrow.
that´s pretty cool because I didn´t see her for at least 2 years..
I´m lookin foreward, I don´t know anything about her, but I think we will have a good time..it´s great to meet people you haven´t seen for years!
I should pack my bags now..I didn´t start packing till now and on sunday morning I´ll go to the Zeltstadt..when I meet Aline tomorrow I won´t have much time..oh really I´m not that good, but I hate packing..:/
but well..I´m so happy that I can go there..I think I will even survive it to pack my bag ;)

changing me

I´m so glad to have holidays, and today it was a good day..I´ve been to the jugendwerk to talk to steffi, drink a lot of coffee and I helped her a little bit.
I like it there, it´s a place full of warmth and love, I love the people because they are so friendly and open-hearted.
I made a decision..this summer I wanna start again...start again to change myself..
there are many things I have to learn and many things that need a lot of work to get changed..but I know jesus works with me..
I wanna be what that manchaster-guy saw in me: I wanna be a pure love giver!!
I wanna show the world the love that God has for EVERYONE of us! I wanna give love and be a light (of god) in this world. I wanna be friendly and kind. I wanna be a receiver of everything god has to offer, and I also wanna be a giver of all of that to the world!
And I also wanna get things out of my life that destroy me. I don´t want to be aggressive anymore..I know it needs not much to get me aggressive..especially against my parents or somebody else. but I know this is not good, so I wanna train to get it away. It will be a hard therapy..but God is the leader of this therapy and I´m sure it will work.
Just like I wanna learn not to be so damn suspicious and jealous all the time..it´s just like poison for relationships..and if I don´t fight against that I´ll never be happy!
and there are still some things where I destroy myslef and that´s for sure not the plan god has for me..
It will be a long long way to get rid of all these things...and it will be a ahrd way..I know I´ll need to fight..but I know I can make it with gods help..
I don´t think much of psychologists because I´m sure they couldn´t help me at all..And I don´t think I´m sick enough to go there ;)
so jesus, I want YOU to be my guider through this "therapy"..and I´m sure we´re gonna make it..because we´re a team!! and nobody can stop us!!

crazy world..but god stands over everything!

Today I needed to realize one more time how SICK this word is.
I just watched such a stupid series on MTV.."MTV MASTERS"..it was about famous people and their lives...and jesus, I ask myself if the people who made this series are really normal or if they have mental problems..I´m sorry, but they really find it funny to rejoice theirselves in the fact that these people are fucked up, empty and that their life is an only mess.
they find it funny to say that you either have to be a borderliner or you have to be shizophrenic to survive it being a star...
jesus, what´s this for a world we´re living in???
and that´s not everything..they find it good that those people are sick..because so they have something to laugh about and to amuse themselves. how sick is that??
it´s a fucking crazy world...

In addict this day way very confusing because I heard things that really surprised me..but I don´t really believe this..I know him and I don´t think that he would..feel like that..I don´t believe that!
But I´m too weak to do anything at the moment..and I don´t wanna do anything at all..because I don´t always wanna be the one who tries and tries..I´ll only wait..
because the only thing I´ll do the next time is spending my time with god, because that´s the most important thing at the moment! I don´t wanna be the one who always is the one who´s running after somebody, and I also don´t wanna be the one who wants to hear reproaches and assumptions all the time to feel like the biggest asshole in this worl..no longer..not with me!
Do what you want, you won´t get me down, no matter what u tell me!

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy,
But no one believes me,
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing can save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.

If you believe it's in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I'm better off on my own.

On my own...

I tried to be perfect,
It just wasn't worth it,
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me,
It never gets easy,
I guess I knew that all along.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I'm trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

holidays

I´m free!
notyet forever..but at least for the next 6-7 weeks..and people, you don´t know how it feels like:
all the stress, the mental and the physical pressure is falling from me.
no more trying to reach things you can´t reach, no more reason to feel like a loser, no more conflicts with people who have your whole future in their hands, no more unfairness and no BWL-teacher who just tells me I´m not good enough!
this year it´s MY SUMMER!
I´ll go to the zeltstadt and I´m sure god is moving foreward with me..step by step, slowly but surely!
I´ll go to Taize (pray that everything goes right), I think it will be a time full of freedom, peace and a good chance to spend some time (really alone) with Kaddi, because she heals my heart!
when everything goes right I even go to Hockenheim which is wonderful because I think what the gallants do is amazing and I love spending time just to sit there ans listen to their wonderful music or to what they pray and preach! thank god for all those wonderful chances I get this summer, to see him move, to see him move ME and yeah, I wanna see miracles lord, because I know you´re a big, almight and most of all a LIVING god and you still change the world!
I´m lookin foreward!

back in GODS HAND!

I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
You couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God’s hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it’s the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn’t enough
We got so tired that we just gave up

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God’s hands

We didn’t respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this

Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It’s part of a plan
It’s back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

Oh it didn’t last
It’s a thing of the past
No we didn’t understand
Oh just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

(Nelly Furtado feat Keith Urban - In gods hand)

this song seems to fit perfectly..I hate songs that say what I feel because they make me cry..
I hate it that I sit here and I can´t get my ass ANYWHERE because I´m too lazy and too weak!
but hey, yeah baby, I´M ALRIGHT!! YOU SEE THAT? awesome!
so maybe you know it better now!

lonely, but staying quiet

all I need
is the air I breathe
and a place to rest my head

and actually I wanna scream and cry my soul out and I wanna tell it everyone because I just think it could help me in any way but I know it´s senseless to talk because there´s nothing I can do, nothing won´t change through that so I stay quiet and stay in my little room to cry it out..
slowly I´m fading away..and sometimes I hope that I would never come back...

Now I'm sitting on a plane
Lonely flight back to L.A.
Don't come back with me
So I'll drink myself to sleep
Cut my skin until I bleed
Hold my breath all the night

Cause it's 5 o'clock
The hour stops the sunlight
And the buildings shade the masquerade and kill time

Hear the sound
She was naked on the ground
Till I whispered in her ear
Come away, watch the dawn break through the day
Till the sun is underneath

Cause it's 5 o'clock
The hour stops the sunlight
And the buildings shade the masquerade and kill time
Here we're nothing more than fools and whores and sad highs
Through the summer sand, we're living in
We're living in a wasteland

It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland for me

And we're nothing more than fools and whores and sad highs
Through the summer sand, we're living in
We're living in a wasteland

It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland
It's a wasteland for me
For me

Till I get over you

everytime i feel alone
i can blame it on you
and i do
you got me like a loaded gun,
golden sun,
and skies so blue

we both know
that we want it
but we both know
you left me no choice

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
so I'm counting my tears
till I get over you

sometimes i watch the world go by
i wonder what it was like
to wake up every single day, smile on your face
you never try

we both know
we can't change it
but we both know
we'll just have to face it

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
so I'm counting my tears
till I get over you

if only i could give you up
would i want to let you
off of this soapbox, baby?

we both know
that we want it
but we both know
you left me no choice

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
so I'm counting my tears
till I get over you

chaque fois que tu t'en vas
je pretends que tout va bien

we both know
that i'm not over you

i'm not over you
(Michelle Branch - Till I get over you)

why can´t you see..??

why don´t you understand how much it hurts?
I can´t go on because it hurt too much the last time..why can´t you see that I´m hurt and crumbled and broken??
and why can´t you see that I miss you so much? that I lie awake in the night and see your eyes and I remember how it felt to lie next to you? and on the one hand there´s nothing I wish more than to have you beside me..and on the other hand I´m just too afraid that it ends up the same way it did before..can´t you see what I gave to you? what I invested in you? how many times I´ve been down because you couldn´t show me your love because SHE destroyed everything in you?
you know how it feels to see that there´s still someone who´s in your life, even if it´s just what was destroyed in you through her? maybe you see it now, because now I AM in this situation.
you tell me everything I did wrong! every minute you find something new what was horrible with me..my jealousy or that I couldn´t trust you and god knows what else..
and so you wanna tell me that all you want is to have me back?
maybe you understand that this is something I can´t believe when all you do is telling me that I´m such an asshole..and YES I AM!
but what can I do against feelings..I can´t fight them..maybe you did it, you fought against the feelings for her..but so you can do it again.
I can´t do anything at all..because I´m the fucking loser anyway..but I´ll live with it and I wanna smile, even with tears in my eyes..
At the moment I can´t..but maybe in time...