scared about the future..

it´s hard to find the right way..sometimes I doubt if it´s the right way just to break up school..but when I think about it clearly I have no other chance..I think I´ve got the chance to leave soon (when everythings going alright I´ll leave in january for 5 months..).
If that is what god wants..I pray that he shows me..and I´m sure if that is not what he wants he will show me..I know he lead me through the last few months like he never did before. because I gave him the authorization. and I still do, so he will lead me again..
It´s a bit strange..I always dreamed about to go away and I still do..I really do and I pray that it really happens..but on the other hand I´m also a bit sad..yes it´s only five months..but there are many things I have to leave behind..My precious friends, my boyfriend, well, also people where I think there are so many things unsaid, undone and unexplained..
but i ask myself what I should do anymore..I´ve done everything that´s possible..I need to give it back in gods hands and maybe it automatically happens when I go..I´m also a bit scared..because the first time in my life I will be really alone..all the time I went anywhere I had someone beside me I know..but this time there´s nobody..and even my parents won´t support me in any way..this fact doesn´t make things much easier..
But in my life I experienced that gods ways are hard sometimes..I don´t expect to be different in every way..but I expect that God changes me..Because I know that I NEED a change in my life in some things..
I´m scared god..I´m scared about my whole future because I see NOTHING..I´m scared about breakin up school because it´s a step from safety to unsafety..and for me it´s always hard to leave my safety behind, even if I don´t like it to admit that.
I´m sorry lord, I´m still a sinful little kid..I´m still searching for your way and I´m still unsure..but one thing I know for sure: I do it with all my heart..I seek you with all of my heart and in your word you promised that everyone who seeks you with all of his heart will find you!
So please come and show me what you prepared for me..

Holding on to you lord..

sometimes it´s really hard to hold on to god..
because there are times in life where nothing seems to go right in any way..future is not sure, some people are strange and some moments are disappointing..
and there is so much incomprehension and there are so many doubts people give you through their behaviour..
but there´s one thing that I know: jesus has his way for me..sometimes it´s hard to understand why he picks this way of all things..but he has a plan and he knows what he´s doing..I´m just trying to hold on to jesus and I´ll just pray and pray that he would show me the right way..about england, about future and about my teacher..this situation is really hard..actually I don´t wanna go to his lessons anymore..but it´s not that easy..
but today in schoool I just listened to one song, and I found that it could tell my story..

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can't stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged and messed
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken laws were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
They're looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is the healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see whether you will go my way
I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I'll be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
(Lifehouse - Broken)

damn I need money..
I sell my summer breeze ticket..it´s hard because I really was looking foreward to that festival..but there´s no other way to get where I want..
thanks to my parents for you fully (haha..) encouragement and assistance...
they say i do everything because I want to annoy them, that I wanna go to school of a sect, that I´m crazy and dumb and they won´t support me in any way..
they won´t give me money, they won´t give me a yes..the only thing he is saying is that he can´t hold me here..
and that´s a fact..if YOU don´t help me I´m very disappointed..I don´t want your money or something..I only want your understanding..but I have to face the fact it´s too much for you.
But if god wants me to I´ll get to england..I have NO plan how this should work..I´m really disappointed about their thinking about me..bus what to do?? it´s MY life, not theirs!
It will be alright, and maybe I´ll really go there..and if that is the way I´ll get there without the support of my parents..it hurts a lot..but I guess that´s life..

losing life..

Search your heart, you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

thanks..I guess that´s my answer..lose your life just so you can find it...
that´s what I´m doing at the moment..I´m losing my whole life..I´ll break up school, don´t know which way to go after that..wanna go to england but my parents are strictly against that..I don´t even know where I will be in 3 months..but I still believe Jesus has his way for me..and he will go that way with me..and even it will be hard I´ll follow him..
there´s no compromise and no way back..I told jesus to take my life fully and to clean up and take out everything that´s bad..he does..it´s so painful, it´s so hard..I knew it would be hard but I didn´t know it was THAT hard..but that´s no reason to give up..that´s just one more reason to go on because I see god is moving!
everything will go it´s way and it will be right..!!

LOVE vs HATE

I hate dreams and I hate falling back..
I hate thoughts I don´t wanna have and I also hate it when I have the feeling I did no step since 2 years..in fact that´s not true of course..but sometimes it feels like it and it´s annoying..
I also hate that sweden lost the soccergame against russia..but all of that is nothing against the hate for my school.
the GFS was shit, my teacher is a real asshole (I´m sorry) and tomorrow I have to go through 4 hours BWL..could it be worse? I couldn´t imagine any subject that is as horrible as this one..whatever..

One more time in my life I realize how much hate surrounds me and is IN me..and I don´t want that, because I wanna be a child of god, and I wanna shine out gods LOVE, and not the HATE of satan. Unfortunetely it´s not that easy to love evrything and everyone..there are so many challenges and also disappointments in life and it´s really hard to answer with love..but I think that´s what I want to improve..
More love in this world..if we start to give love, someday we´ll get it back!

LIFT YOUR VOICES AND WORSHIP

"Lift your voices and worship"

what does that mean??
does it mean that you raise your voice and sing your worship songs even louder that you already do? does it mean to raise up your arms when you sing to jesus? I thought about that a few days..since I walked around and I listened to that song I listened a thousand times before..
Where you go I go from Brian and Jenn Johnson..but as it seems I never really listened at this song for real..or I just didn´t notice..but there´s one sentence in this song and it says lift you voices and worship..and when I heard that I began shaking and I became goosebumps...it was such a strange feeling that I really walked around, totally confused..can´t tell you..it was just like God tattooed this sentence into my heart.
and I realized what this means for me. it doesn´t mean that I have to scream out every worship song or that I have to raise my hands to God.
Of course I CAN do that if I want to, if I feel like it, but it´s not about that at all..
It´s about LIVING for God, Living worship for God.
it means to walk around and speak WORDS OF LOVE. To let gods beauty shine through. words of encouragement for people, and words that God gives me, so that I can give them to people.
Words that God wants to tell the world.
It´s about living just how God wants me to, doing what god wants me to..going the way that HE has for me! And it´s important that i really FEEL what I say and sing.
When I sing "where you go i go, what you say I say God..and what you pray I pray
so how could I expect to walk without you when every move that jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without for you alone are worthy and you are always good"
When I sing that I want to sing it from my heart, and that´s something I can only do when I´m honest, and when I think I don´t really want that...then I should stop immediatley..
But at the moment I´m really able to sing that out of my HEART..I´m able to do that for the last 3 months, because God is changing me in every single way I am, and it´s so AWESOME!
I want that my life is a worship song for you god..I want you to be my guider! I want to go wherever you want me to go..and if you want me to go to China I will go to china!
I´m hungry god..hungry for your love and hungry to experience your glory and your wonders..
because YOU ARE GOOD!!

I will follow you..in this dance of love I will follow you...
whatever comes my way..through every situation I will follow you to the unknown...

Jesus CAN change and he DOES it!

however it was (and it wasn´t that good), the GFS is OVER!!
Technical hopes left me today but I don´t care anymore because I don´t wanna waste any other thought about such depressing and unimportant things like BWL.
there´s something that´s so much more important: Jesus is alive!!
I want to focus on Jesus and on the fact that he LOVES me, no matter what people tell me, no matter whether they like me or not.
I don´t care. Jesus said "the world will hate you if you belong to me". Maybe that´s the prize..but that´s a prize I´m willing to pay, because this world is not what makes me happy, anyway.
I wanna change the world, I wanna show people who Jesus is, and what he is able to do. I wanna show that Jesus CAN change people and that he also DOES it.
I want Gods Kingdom to come here on earth and I´m sure one day we will experience that it´s here!

Jesus, be my guider

Oh God, I´m so freaking scared about tomorrow...
I feel terrible, because of that GFS tomorrow..it seems like I wouldn´t know ANYTHING at all..and that´s a real horrible feeling..I´m scared about that this teacher who is unfair anyway, is in a bad mood or something...
God I pray that you give me the right words, and that I´m able to explain all the things that are difficult or anything..I pray that my teacher is in a good mood, that he´s social! I pray that you are there and that I´m convinced that I can do everything in the strength of christ.
I pray that all that technical stuff works, because I think I´m not even able to start this computer because I never did anything there.
I pray that everything´s gonna be alright and that you are just next to me God! PLEASE!!

I know I have to focus on jesus, and not on all those hard things, problems and stuff..but sometimes it´s so easy to lose sight of Jesus, when you´re fixed on all those things that are difficult.
But I wanna try to fix my eyes on Jesus, to set my focus on him, so that he can help me tomorrow..I have no chance but giving it up to jesus, into his hands!
I´m scared Jesus, you know that! Please come and take it into your hands and make the best out of it!

In his hands...

One more time Jesus showed me that he has everything in his hands and that I can do everything through the strength of christ.
it´s so awesome!! We had a employee training today and I should tell the people how you can get relationship to teens and how you should work with them and so on.
I really didn´t prepare anything for this and I was a bit scared because I really didn´t know what I was going to tell them...so I prayed and I said that Jesus should give me the right words.
And I think it was okay! Some people said it was good so I think it was.
Thanks to Jesus, he´s got the whole world in his hands!!

BWL...

did I ever mention that I HATE BWL?
and did I ever told you about how BORING it is to write a presentation about the currency system - from bretton woods till the euro.
it´s absolutely senseless...WHO wants to know THIS??
oh Jeeesus..don´t you wanna write for me??