buried alive by love

ja mann ist das geil mir die ganze zeit zu sagen dass du jetzt sterben gehst?? ich mein hey, mir gehts einfach super mit der ganzen sache, ist dir das vllt auch schonmal aufgefallen??
immer bin ich das arschloch das man fuer alles verantwortlich machen kann. weil immer ich es verkack oder??
immer nur schoen mitten in die fresse rein ne? egoistischer gehts nich mehr!!
ja das geht mir wirklich gegen den strich! ich hab auch gefuehle falls es dir noch nicht aufgefallen ist...aber immer bin ich so unglaublich verletzend..warum muss immer ich nach dir schaun? mich um dich kuemmern? gucken dass es dir moeglichst gut geht, auch wenn ich dran krepieren wuerde!?
ich scheiss drauf, ich scheiss auf alles, ich bin auch nur ein mensch okay? ich kann nichts uebermenschliches tragen und ICH WILL ES AUCH NICHT!
ich dachte was friedliches waere moeglicih..aber diese gedanken darf ich dann wohl fuer immer begraben...aber auch darauf scheiss ich langsam! JA es ist mir einfach zu bloed!!!! ich bin nicht dein fußabstreicher oder derjenige an dem du alles ablassen kannst was dir gerade nicht passt!
Das war ich lange genug!

To cry is to know that you're alive
But my river of tears has run dry
I never wanted to fool you, no
But a cold heart is a dead heart
And it feels like I've been buried alive by love

keane und dessen wirkung..

...und immer wenns gar nich mehr geht dann hau ich mir KEANE in den CD-player, volles programm, 2 CD´s durch und danach gehts mir jedes mal wenigstens ein bisschen besser.
was hat dieses band dass sie mich am leben erhaelt? war schon vor zwei jahren so!
irgendwas an der musik heilt mich..ich kann mir aber nich erklaeren was..ist ja auch egal..hauptsache es hilft..irgendwas musste heute schon passieren, das war der schlimmste tag seit langem...schonmal den ganzen schrank ausgemistet nur um irgendwas zu tun was einen ablenkt? na dann willkommen im club!
ich hab das gefuehl ich hab alles verloren..mir ziehts mein leben unter den fueßen weg und ich kann gar nichts dagegen tun..und das einzige was ich will ist mich einfach von hier zu verpissen..und wenn ich diese behinderte schule nicht weiter machen muesste wuerde ich GENAU DAS tun! sowas verkorkstes..wie schoen es waere einfach mal fuer n paar monate RUHE und FRIEDEN zu haben..keine nervenden menschen um einen rum, keine dummen entscheidungen die andere von einem verlangen, keine eltern die einem vorhalten dass man ja selber eher zum groeßeren teil dran schuld is dass die beziehung im eimer ist!
keine alptraeume von irgendwelchen schulen in die ich muss weil ich sowas dummes wie abitur machen will..(will ich ueberhaupt??)..keine abschiedsparties mehr die einen sowieso noch mehr depressiv stimmen denn diesesmal waere ICH diejenige die sich verpissen wuerde und glaubt mir leute, NICHTS haelt mich hier! ich wuerd gehen ohne reue, ich wuerd gehen ohne furcht..ich wuerd allen davon erzaehln und alle wuerden verstehen..
naja schoener traum..es geht weiter..jeden tag den gleichen bullshit...when will it come to an end?
how long lord??


it´s just the way it´s always been that I´m the one
who´s left in pain when summertimes move on

it´s okay the world is going down
but that´s alright heaven holds a place for me
okay..the world is going down but that´s alright
someday I will be just fine

and now I´m on my own
waiting till life´s over
oh won´t you read between the lines and change your mind and love me..
no forget what I just said!

Goodbye
I kiss the ones I love one last time
and tell them not to cry cos it´s okay
it´s okay
I´ll see you on another day

wanna run away...

for here and now I feel so fucked up..
I miss you..I really really miss you..and it does not feel like it´s getting better soon..
and how hard it is, but I don´t think it would be better if we would still be together..there´s no chance to be happy..not with you..and also not without you!
it feels like everything I have been holding on to is just broken and splittered to a thousand pieces..
holding on to you was like holding on to nothing!
so that´s one more proof that the only thing I should hold on to is god, because everything else is fleeting..but even that is hard at the moment..god where are you?
I wanna seek you but I can´t find you because I just can´t get silent, I can´t get calm..I´m thinking too much!
maybe I should write a song to get it out of my mind..but I just don´t feel like it because that actually makes it even worse...I felt alone in hamburg because I felt lost in that fucking city and I hate it! but here I don´t feel different at all..sitting in my room, staring into the sky or at the wall but I can´t find something that would help me..listening to depressing music..and the only thing I wish is to get away from here...jesus please just take me away..I NEED TO RUN AWAY!

Hamburg..

well I´m back from Hamburg..and I´m more than glad about that..
well nice city..but not for me!
it´s too big, too dirty, too loud and the people are very busy..they are so elegant..they drive big expensive cars..the u-bahn station is very confusing and EVERYTHING´s just too big and too confusing..I never thought I could say I´m glad to come back to owen, but really: I AM!!
whatever..now I´m here again and it´s not much better than one week ago..Still feel empty and doon´t know what to do..I hadn´t much time for myself in Hamburg..I hadn´t time to think about some things and I couldn´t make decisions I should make as fast as I can..
I went to St. Pauli two times..and it shocked me..I knew that there would be a lot of sex-stuff..but I didn´t know it´s that hard! ugly..I´m sorry but really..
I´ve been at the Timmendorfer beach, and it was really awesome..first time after 3 years that I´ve been at the sea..what a feeling..for a few hours I really felt good..
back here everythings just like before..but I´m lookin foreward to domino tomorrow because katrin´s gonna preach and I´m sure it will be awesome!
And yes, Jesus really loves me..cos two days ago, on thursday I wrote samu if there´s a chance to go to the zeltstadt as staff member..and hey, it´s really possible..the funny thing is that zeltstart begins at sunday next week..I didn´t really believe that I would have a chance..but I will be there and it´s soooo good to know that! Thanks God!!!

feeling fucked up..

at the moment I feel like the biggest asshole in this big world..
and I almost guess I really am!
I feel like that because I hurt him..and I´m the one who can´t go on..and I´m so sorry about that..but I think we would destroy much more than we already have..and I don´t want that because you are too important!
and I hate that I have to go to hamburg tomorrow because I absolutely don´t know what I should do there because I guess everyone´s just like "yeeaaah party, let´s drink alcohol, let´s dance, let´s celebrate!"
and I´m just like "go away, get your fuckin ass out of the door, let me sleep, let me cry, let me be depressive and let me listen to my music!"
of course the people of my class aren´t guilty, but I´m sorry I´m just not in the right mood to do party! maybe it´s good to get other thoughts, but I´m already sure that won´t be possible!
I think way too much, also about the stupid things I can´t get out of my head..I really wanna give it all to jesus, but there are so many things I just cannot understand and I ask and ask but there´s no clear answer..I´m down and it hurts bad..
I wanna talk about it and talk and talk and I can´t stop, but I have to because I don´t wanna be annoying to people or something...

whatever??

I expected a lot from this weekend on the camp..but what happened I really didn´t expect...NOTHING about it!
It began with a big surprise..and it ends up with a lot of confusion, words unsaid, things undone.
Slowly I start to think that it has to be my way to go to any camp and to come back with a lot of confusion, frustration and with more thoughts in my stupid head than before...-.-
I see no sense in all of it, but maybe the lord will show me someday..
I know it´s better that way but that´s not a reason to feel alright. it´s not a reason to feel happy or saved..it´s rather a reason to accept even you do not understand, to let jesus work because he will work it out right..is it trust? maybe it´s trust!
I´m really tired..physically because I didn´t get much sleep tonight but worked the whole day, but also psychical because it was way too much..
I expected a lot from god, for example some konfis who give their life to him, some miracles or I even don´t know what I expected..but jesus did it the other way round..
he really brought ME to the edge of my stamina. on the evening where the konfis should have the chance to let pray for them and to give their life to jesus, I was in the team that should pray for them. what happened? NOBODY came..nobody needed a prayer or something else..but I DID!
I was the one nearly breakin down because I just couldn´t take it at all..so I was the one cryin and couldn´t even whisper "Jesus..help me!"
until someone of the other people that should pray for the konfis just laid his hand upon my shoulder..and he prayed something, I don´t know a word of what he said because he did it all by himself..but suddenly I was able, no that´s the wrong word, I NEEDED to bless the lord!
I don´t know what it was, maybe I should ask him what he prayed but it was overwhelming me..so that I could even go to the best girl I´ve ever met and comfort her (I tried.. I hope it was okay!)
what happened there jesus? and all the time I´m somewhere between crying and feeling desperate..and on the otherhand I´m laughing because god send someone who really tried to make me laugh..you don´t know how thankful I am..
so there happened a few other things that confuse me, my whole life seems to be a big mountain of confusion..maybe that´s typically for me..have I ever been NOT confused?
whatever..there´s no sense in sitting here and write all this shit because nobody cares, nobody reads it, nobody needs it..
but I think it´s just another way to get the confusion out of my mind..and most of all: to pull the pain away from me..it´s too painful to think about and to take it.. that´s wrong..but I think the time where I HAVE to take it will come soon enough..

yes, I MISS you too!

how you love me

thank you jesus..I f-i-n-a-l-l-y wrote a new song, and I´m so glad about that because for months I just couldn´t write down ANYTHING!
there was only one topic I was writing about..but it should be over and out so there´s nothing to write about that anymore..so I needed to turn my focus on..gues what? jesus of course!
here´s the result:

to you I come again oh Lord
and I know you want me
I´m hurt and crumbled from this world
but I know you still love me

you take me out of the deepest mudd
you pull me out of here into your loving arms

how you love me
I´m too weak but still you are strong
oh how you love me
I am dead but through you I´m alive again
how you love me
I can be sure: I am loved!

ich sang die ganze zeit von dir

Weißt du was du mir bedeutest?
Auf einem Platz in meinem Herz
Steht dein Name an der Wand
Und ich will dass du es erfährst
Ich werde immer an dich glauben
Egal was auch passiert
Manche singen von ihm
Ich sang die ganze Zeit von dir


oh yes here you read it..and that´s nothing but the truth
nothing but my thoughts
nothing but my life!

jesus..guide me..

oh jesus..sometimes it´s hard to be obediant...in fact at the moment it´s more than hard..because I hate the thought of going to school again after the summerholidays because today I got back 0 points in BWL. It´s so disappointing to know that you learned soo much but it was not worth it..
and that makes it much harder to go there again..
But Jesus, I beg you to be my friend through all this time and I want you to lead me because I know that I´m not strong enough to make it through this nightmare..
it seems like a neverending story without good end, but deep in my heart I know that in the end everythings gonna be alright!
Jesus I know I have absolutely no chance in this live without you..you´re the only one who can guide me..but you also put people in my life that are amazing and awesome and so helpful! I know you sent them to me..and I´m so thankful because without them I almost would be as lost as I am without you..
I lay my life down at your feed..into your hands I commend my spirit! and I know you´ll make it right!

Jesus gave me a new point of view

what´s going on here?
I´m getting more confused every day..
the last two days were very hard..because I thought I already made my desicion about breakin up school and going to england and stuff.
but yesterday I had a conversation with my sister..it was a very serious conversation, maybe I could say it was god who opened my eyes a bit more..so she told me not to give up and to try again and go on..so I prayed and I said to jesus that he should show me where to go and which way I should choose..I keep my eyes open..and today there were two signs that told me not to give up:
1st one was in the sermon of the preacher in notzingen. he talked about the way to god...about the journey of Mose and the Israelis..they had to walk through the desert for 40 years..and so many times they struggled and they blamed god and they wished they would have died in Egypt..just because it was so hard..and he said that sometimes you need to go through the dirt and the hardest times if you wanna follow jesus´way..so what do I do at the moment?
well I could say I´m in the hardest time of my life (that´s a fact). Don´t know which way to go, don´t know what to do..wheter I should stay or just go away..I know there´s only ONE man who knows what I should and what I will do..JESUS!
the 2nd sign was in DOMINO today..Ruby did a real good sermon..it was so awesome..it was about being obediant to god..and she said that we people always try to find gods way for us and that we are very focused on going away to missions and stuff..but that´s not what it´s about..there´s no problem in being on missions someday..yeah I really want that anytime..
But god puts us on places and he knows why. He puts me there - and he didn´t do that without reason..so I´m here and I have to try to make the best out of it..
So I made my desicion: I´ll try to get through class 13.1! And if I´m still that bad and if I still do not have a course in BWL..then I´ll break up..because then I took every chance I had and there is nothing I didn´t try..And I prayed to god..and I said if he wants me to get my ABI he´ll let me pass BWL..and if he has another way for me he´ll "let me fail"..and then I know for sure what´s going on..it´s a kinda hard decision because I loved the thought that I would be free after my last examination yesterday..it´s hard to give up that thought..on the other hand I think about what´s possible with ABI..jesus when I got this shit I really have the chance to GO AWAY..and then I can really go away, maybe much longer because I have this fuckin abi and I can start study or an apprenticeship whenever I want..then I have the time to really GO FOR JESUS!
I´m not very happy about the thought to go on in school..but I promise that I´ll give EVERYTHING to get as far as I can..!
that´s it and nothing more..