just a little smile..

well okay..I realized that there´s no need to get angry about anyone and no need to get mean.
because with this behaviour I do the same as you did and its not fair.
We both did some things wrong..we both are guilty..and now I have to get over it..whatever..
I don´t wanna be a person who is angry, who has a cold heart and who is filled with hate..
thats definitely NOT who I want to be..
I wanna come across people with friendliness and love...I wanna smile at them for no reason (well I have a reason, because I AM LOVED by the highest and the greatest!!).
I wanna show them joy, and its enough for me to see them lookin irritated because they don´t understand why I smile at them and say hello but they see a difference to all the other people who walk around with their eyes on the ground.
and its even more beautiful when a little smile flits over their face and they greet me back.
yeah, thats a good reason to live this life!

LET ME OUT!!

why do I still think about him??
it fucks me up!! its over!! over and out!!
now I AM the one whos down and I AM the one who feels alone.
are u happy now??? well done, good job..
NEVER try to tell me again that I would be heartless, I wouldn´t care at all, it wouldnt matter to me and I wouldnt care about YOU!! so now u are the one who has a good time
und ich bin diejenige die hier dahei rumsifft und abkackt!

so FUCK YOU, fuck you, fuck you
and all we´ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, LEAVE IT!!
it´s nothing to you
and if you hate me, hate me, hate me
then hate me so good that you can LET ME OUT, let me out, let me out
OF THIS HELL WHEN YOU´RE AROUND

(it´s enough when you´re NOT around..don´t even need to see you...)

by the way, you always knew I HATED all those FUCKING, uncountable girls you had around you...
and I always knew that you had lots of fun with them..I know YOU, and I simply know how you are..
but it hurts even more to hear it from other people who say "if that would be my boyfriend I would be very jealous!"
and so you wanna tell me I won´t ever be able not to be jealous and angry??
look at yourself first.
come on go on having fun with them..I DON`T FUCKIN MIND!!
you´ll see where it´ll bring u....I HAAAAAATE YOU!!!!!! :´(

where is "home"?

haha..great feeling to be at your local home..but don´t even approximately feel like it. I hate those conversations I need to listen to since DAYS..everyday the same, round and round, it makes me sick!!
Of course I can understand that its not a great feeling to be ill in that way, yeah I understand that..but could we PLEASE talk about ANYTHING else now??
I really dont mean it angrily or something..and I really dont wanna say that they were extremely annoying today..I just cant listen anymore..
who cares about what I think? who cares about my sorrow? who talks about that round and round?? who sees that it makes me sick to go back to this horrible school on monday? who would understand?
well...one man always understands, Jesus! I dont know what I would do if I wouldnt know hes listening, even when I tell him the same things a thousand times..
what I also got are some wonderful friends. but nobody really understands - apart from one person - what I feel at the moment..
sometimes I have the feeling that all of them are only interested in keeping me here because they want to have me here..I wonder why because they don´t really share that much time with me..
they simply cant understand that I hate to be here and that all I wanna do is go somewhere else to live a life thats worth living (dont wanna say my life here isnt worth living - life is ALWAYS worth living..but u know..).
Theres only one person who understands and she would let me go..because she knows as I know that we are FRIENDS..and we will stay friends, wherever we go or whatever comes our way..I´m so thankful that you placed her next to me Jesus..think I would despair of this life if I wouldnt have her..!
Jesus I really try to cling to the cross and I think thats the only thing that gives me strength at all! I really dont wanna be depressive or something and actually I´m really not..the only thing that makes me is this fuckin school I hate soooo much...and the fact that I don´t have a clue how it all should go on after school, no matter if I break up or if I do my ABI..help me out of this personal hell..it burns me!

He is there

You want to rest your head
just take a deep breath

once more you can´t sleep
just close your eyes and weep

you can see the stars in heaven
you can see the clouds just passing by..
and still u know theres someone out there
looking for your soul when u cry

so you bring your tears to heaven
you bring all the thoughts to the loving one
and he is there
so you´re shouting to heaven
let go of the things that hurt your soul
still he is there, he is there

you´re tired of this life
of being always the strong one

imagine to be free
just close your eyes and fly away

he´s there
he´ll never let you go
you´ll never be alone


haha..had a creative phase today..well maybe I should better say I forced me to have one..
because I hate it to hang around doing nothing so I just needed to do something and so I wrote a song!
just realized one more time that Jesus is always there and that I can shout to him whenever I´m desperate or I feel lonely..
thats something that helps me to get through it all..
it´s sad that the summer is almost over...the beginning of the fall is okay but when it goes to the end of october I really start to get dicontented..
I hate winter..I hate snow slush and I hate it to leave the house in the morning when it´s dark outside and coming back in the evening when its dark again..
don´t even wanna thing about that...yuck!
But I´m really happy and content about this summer...I experienced lots of wonderful, challenging and exciting things and I got to know lots of people I really really like and I´m glat that I met them..
This summer absolutely wasnt like I planned it and it also wasnt like I imagined..but I wouldn´t wanna change ANYTHING!
It was the best summer of my whole life!! the best summer EVER!
I´m so thankful God that you gave me people, challenges, experiences, peace and freedom!
I´m so thankful that you guided me through everything and you took every step with me.
I´m so thankful that you were simply there and teached me how to live for u!
THANK YOU!

tired

I wanna stop thinking - I can´t
I wanna let go of u - I can´t
I hate thinking about you and I also hate to be not able to let go..
god u have everything in ur hand..u have my life in ur hands
you´re the first, the last the centre of it all..
and all I wanna do is rest my head from stupid thinkin..all I wanna do is being peaceful and calm..
so please make it bearable..
bless the people I love and I pray for..bless the people who are outside and homeless.
bless them all!

I´ll go to bed now..
please give me some sleep and the ability to get some strength for tomorrow - for the new day..that maybe gets even harder than all the days before..but its a new day and its a new chance and I wanna use it..
my soul is weak, my heart is numb I cannot see..but still my hope is found in you I´ll hold on tightly. you will never let me go, for Jesus you will never fail...
simply to the cross I cling, letting go of all earthly things..I´m clinging to the cross...

peace and mercy over me lord..I´m tired...

NOTHINGS GONNA HOLD ME BACK

wow, JESUS YOU ARE AMAAAAAZING!!!
I can´t believe it!
Jesus fullfills prayers..he really does..its unbelievable!!
I had a great day today..met a friend of mine and we just had a good time talking and chillin and stuff!
Afterwards I went to buy some things and I just felt so happy. And you know what?
its awesome to see how you can light up sad and serious faces of the people on the streets if you just say "hello" to them..they just seem to be happy at least ten seconds..
I really wanna bring some friendliness into this world..just smiling at people..and its so good to see that they smile back..and also funny because you see that they wonder why you smile at them!
I really enjoyed it to be out of the house today..and now I´ll leave to go for a walk and spend some more time with my father..can´t get enough of it at the moment..he fills my life!!


I am chosen, I am free
I am Living for eternity
Free now forever

You picked me up, turned me around
You set my feet on solid ground
Yours now forever

And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back

My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You give everything for me
You give everything for me
Everything

You washed my sin and shame away

The slate is clean: a brand new day,
Free now forever
Now boldly I approach your throne
To claim this crown through christ my own
Yours now forever

And nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back

My chains fell off
My heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You give everything for me
You give everything for me

I'm free to live
Free to give
Free to be
I'm free to love you
(Tim Hughes - Nothings gonna hold me back)

bid farewell..

maybe now is the time to let out all the pain about the sad things that happened in the last two months..
maybe I´ve been to busy the last time to realize what happened and maybe it was good that way..
I knew the time would come where it gets hard to bear a loss - the loss of a person..
but I´m really glad that God guides me through every single step he takes with me..
It hurts like hell but hes there and thats what makes it bearable..
Now its really time to bid farewell..I´m sorry we didn´t last..Im sorry for all the things that went wrong..
I really hope someday we can stand face to face, both of us happy and convinced that we took the right way. I hope we can talk and laugh together like we did.
I hope you´re gonna be alright..I hope I´m gonna be alright..I hope WE´RE gonna be alright someday..

Clinging to the cross

My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail

Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross

Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail

Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross

What a Saviour, what a story
You were crucified but now You are alive
So amazing, such a mystery
You were crucified but now You are alive

Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross


seems like I really found out whats going wrong in my life since a few days!
maybe I have to learn it the hard way, but if I dont understand it the easy way there´s no other chance ;)
I just took some time for daddy in heaven..so I just lay down on my bed and started to pray..after that I did some worship, but I gave it up soon because I realized that praying is more important for me at the moment..and I told God about my life, my hurtings and all that stuff.
Later I went to a walk through my hometown. and as I walked through the streets I found my fault. It´s not a big thing, well in fact it is but its not that difficult to find out..
I FIX WAY TOO MUCH ON THE BIG THINGS.
what I mean with that? All I think about at the moment is that I want to experience something big, something impressive, some miracles and healings, some people who turn around to Jesus and what do I know..
all of those things are very important and its still my wish to see that stuff...
but because nothing happened here the last days (how could? I didnt do ANYTHING for it) I was frustrated because I didnt experience anything..and I sat here at this Computer and I was bored to death..what is wrong about that? its simple: i´m not even able to live a relationship with my daddy. Can´t take some time alone with him..alone with him..
Instead of that I hang around at my computer and ask myself why everything is boring..
Goodness I´m really stupid sometimes!
I really made a decision FOR God and AGINST my computer today.
so the next time I really dont wanna hang around here that much..because its worth it to stay with daddy..when I walked around this evening I didnt want to turn back home because it was just wonderful to walk around and to know "God´s there! He´s right here with me!"
THATS what I wanna experience the rest of my holidays! (well and of course all my life!)

out-time needed!!

why the hell does this always happen to me??
I only sit here and wait and wait, doing nothing..
why can´t I just back my bags and fly away? why do I have to stay?? Jesus just take me away please..

damn I miss u but u really dont understand.u would never...

I´ll go now, take some time to talk to my wonderful daddy because I REALLY need advice..
help me lord..aaaaaaah!

the world is not enough for me...

the world is not enough for me
you can take the world just give me you!
All I want is you Jesus, I love you
all I have is you, all I want is you!

well thats what I realize at the moment..the world is not enough for me...
this world BORES me..
everyday when I wake up I think there must be MORE!
everyday I wake up I think it can´t be my life to wake up, go to school, stay there the whole day, coming back and doing some senseless stuff until I go to sleep.
is that really what life is about??
I don´t think so..God has more..and god can give me everything..
I wanna trust him for all that comes in the future..I know that this is really not very easy..because I´m such a control-freak!
but what happened all the time I tried it by myself? I FAILED!
of course I need to do my own part in all that happens..but I have to trust that God gives everything else I need..
at the moment its a bit hard to trust sometimes when all I see is that I dont wanna be here no more..but I know I´ll stay here for the next time because I haven´t got the chance to do go somewhere else...
so I´ll keep on going here..and I´ll keep on doing all the stuff I want to..I want it to be ordinary to go to the streets to talk to people and to pray for them..and thats what I´ll do!


And it all begins and ends with You
It all begins and ends with You
The first the last the center of it all

And in You all things are held together
The sun the moon the stars the heavens
Creator God, the center of it all