I surrender...

when I got to bed yesterday it just felt like there were things I havent said to God yet but things that need to be said! So I laid there and reflected the things that went through my head this evening.
and then I knew what it was..its about having a partner and stuff...I hate being alone, thats a fact. and I would wish to have someone I can share life with..someone with whom Ill stay together for the rest of my life, someone Im gonna marry...
David Pierce asked a question yesterday: would you be willing to live without a partner your whole life?
sometimes when I hear thjings like that I think "yeah of course, for God I would do everything"..but when Im honest and when I look into my heart I know that I couldnt say with all my heart that Im willing to do this. I wouldnt be able to pray "Jesus if u want me to live without a partner my whole life I would do it". Because I know that I wouldnt be honest...maybe a part of meould mean it but the other part is too afraid...becos I know that God hears my prayers and that what I pray could come true..and Im scared to to be alone my whole life..to me it seems like a nightmare..
but I know that I fix way too much of all the stuff with love and partner..and so I just gave it to jesus. I just gave it into his hands, I surrendered. I said that it wouldnt be honest to pray the sentence I wrote before but that I want it to be in his hands what happens next..
then I fell asleep..
when I woke up today I still got the feeling theres something I need to tell him..so I gave up on safety and I gave up ma lack of trust..I prayed that his will be done and that I wanna give into his hands what happens in the future, concerning job, bible school, england, actually easily EVERYTHING! its in his hands and I feel better now...
when I listened to this David yesterday I realized that there are still LOTS of things I need to learn..about my life and Jesus..this guy would do whatever God wants from him..everything..he lived in a one-room-flat with his wife and they worked low paid jobs...although both of them have been to the university...he did it for god and he did lots of more stuf..I want that too.
I wanna go after whatever god has for me, even if it isnt what Im dreamin about..I know he has only the best for me!
I dont like the worship thing that I wrote about a post before..becos I know that a part of all this is, that its about attention that people give me..and I know this is wrong. I know its wrong to do the worship and to feel better when ppl tell me afterwards that it was good..
so its the only right decision to let it be till God tells me Im allowed to do it again..
tomorrow school starts again..and the thought about it ruins my day..I dont wanna go there I hate it...I see..hard times are coming but Im gonna fight them cos Jesus is with me and I surrendered and its everything in his hands...everything!