scared about the future..

it´s hard to find the right way..sometimes I doubt if it´s the right way just to break up school..but when I think about it clearly I have no other chance..I think I´ve got the chance to leave soon (when everythings going alright I´ll leave in january for 5 months..).
If that is what god wants..I pray that he shows me..and I´m sure if that is not what he wants he will show me..I know he lead me through the last few months like he never did before. because I gave him the authorization. and I still do, so he will lead me again..
It´s a bit strange..I always dreamed about to go away and I still do..I really do and I pray that it really happens..but on the other hand I´m also a bit sad..yes it´s only five months..but there are many things I have to leave behind..My precious friends, my boyfriend, well, also people where I think there are so many things unsaid, undone and unexplained..
but i ask myself what I should do anymore..I´ve done everything that´s possible..I need to give it back in gods hands and maybe it automatically happens when I go..I´m also a bit scared..because the first time in my life I will be really alone..all the time I went anywhere I had someone beside me I know..but this time there´s nobody..and even my parents won´t support me in any way..this fact doesn´t make things much easier..
But in my life I experienced that gods ways are hard sometimes..I don´t expect to be different in every way..but I expect that God changes me..Because I know that I NEED a change in my life in some things..
I´m scared god..I´m scared about my whole future because I see NOTHING..I´m scared about breakin up school because it´s a step from safety to unsafety..and for me it´s always hard to leave my safety behind, even if I don´t like it to admit that.
I´m sorry lord, I´m still a sinful little kid..I´m still searching for your way and I´m still unsure..but one thing I know for sure: I do it with all my heart..I seek you with all of my heart and in your word you promised that everyone who seeks you with all of his heart will find you!
So please come and show me what you prepared for me..

Holding on to you lord..

sometimes it´s really hard to hold on to god..
because there are times in life where nothing seems to go right in any way..future is not sure, some people are strange and some moments are disappointing..
and there is so much incomprehension and there are so many doubts people give you through their behaviour..
but there´s one thing that I know: jesus has his way for me..sometimes it´s hard to understand why he picks this way of all things..but he has a plan and he knows what he´s doing..I´m just trying to hold on to jesus and I´ll just pray and pray that he would show me the right way..about england, about future and about my teacher..this situation is really hard..actually I don´t wanna go to his lessons anymore..but it´s not that easy..
but today in schoool I just listened to one song, and I found that it could tell my story..

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can't stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged and messed
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken laws were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
They're looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is the healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see whether you will go my way
I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I'll be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
(Lifehouse - Broken)

damn I need money..
I sell my summer breeze ticket..it´s hard because I really was looking foreward to that festival..but there´s no other way to get where I want..
thanks to my parents for you fully (haha..) encouragement and assistance...
they say i do everything because I want to annoy them, that I wanna go to school of a sect, that I´m crazy and dumb and they won´t support me in any way..
they won´t give me money, they won´t give me a yes..the only thing he is saying is that he can´t hold me here..
and that´s a fact..if YOU don´t help me I´m very disappointed..I don´t want your money or something..I only want your understanding..but I have to face the fact it´s too much for you.
But if god wants me to I´ll get to england..I have NO plan how this should work..I´m really disappointed about their thinking about me..bus what to do?? it´s MY life, not theirs!
It will be alright, and maybe I´ll really go there..and if that is the way I´ll get there without the support of my parents..it hurts a lot..but I guess that´s life..

losing life..

Search your heart, you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

thanks..I guess that´s my answer..lose your life just so you can find it...
that´s what I´m doing at the moment..I´m losing my whole life..I´ll break up school, don´t know which way to go after that..wanna go to england but my parents are strictly against that..I don´t even know where I will be in 3 months..but I still believe Jesus has his way for me..and he will go that way with me..and even it will be hard I´ll follow him..
there´s no compromise and no way back..I told jesus to take my life fully and to clean up and take out everything that´s bad..he does..it´s so painful, it´s so hard..I knew it would be hard but I didn´t know it was THAT hard..but that´s no reason to give up..that´s just one more reason to go on because I see god is moving!
everything will go it´s way and it will be right..!!

LOVE vs HATE

I hate dreams and I hate falling back..
I hate thoughts I don´t wanna have and I also hate it when I have the feeling I did no step since 2 years..in fact that´s not true of course..but sometimes it feels like it and it´s annoying..
I also hate that sweden lost the soccergame against russia..but all of that is nothing against the hate for my school.
the GFS was shit, my teacher is a real asshole (I´m sorry) and tomorrow I have to go through 4 hours BWL..could it be worse? I couldn´t imagine any subject that is as horrible as this one..whatever..

One more time in my life I realize how much hate surrounds me and is IN me..and I don´t want that, because I wanna be a child of god, and I wanna shine out gods LOVE, and not the HATE of satan. Unfortunetely it´s not that easy to love evrything and everyone..there are so many challenges and also disappointments in life and it´s really hard to answer with love..but I think that´s what I want to improve..
More love in this world..if we start to give love, someday we´ll get it back!

LIFT YOUR VOICES AND WORSHIP

"Lift your voices and worship"

what does that mean??
does it mean that you raise your voice and sing your worship songs even louder that you already do? does it mean to raise up your arms when you sing to jesus? I thought about that a few days..since I walked around and I listened to that song I listened a thousand times before..
Where you go I go from Brian and Jenn Johnson..but as it seems I never really listened at this song for real..or I just didn´t notice..but there´s one sentence in this song and it says lift you voices and worship..and when I heard that I began shaking and I became goosebumps...it was such a strange feeling that I really walked around, totally confused..can´t tell you..it was just like God tattooed this sentence into my heart.
and I realized what this means for me. it doesn´t mean that I have to scream out every worship song or that I have to raise my hands to God.
Of course I CAN do that if I want to, if I feel like it, but it´s not about that at all..
It´s about LIVING for God, Living worship for God.
it means to walk around and speak WORDS OF LOVE. To let gods beauty shine through. words of encouragement for people, and words that God gives me, so that I can give them to people.
Words that God wants to tell the world.
It´s about living just how God wants me to, doing what god wants me to..going the way that HE has for me! And it´s important that i really FEEL what I say and sing.
When I sing "where you go i go, what you say I say God..and what you pray I pray
so how could I expect to walk without you when every move that jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without for you alone are worthy and you are always good"
When I sing that I want to sing it from my heart, and that´s something I can only do when I´m honest, and when I think I don´t really want that...then I should stop immediatley..
But at the moment I´m really able to sing that out of my HEART..I´m able to do that for the last 3 months, because God is changing me in every single way I am, and it´s so AWESOME!
I want that my life is a worship song for you god..I want you to be my guider! I want to go wherever you want me to go..and if you want me to go to China I will go to china!
I´m hungry god..hungry for your love and hungry to experience your glory and your wonders..
because YOU ARE GOOD!!

I will follow you..in this dance of love I will follow you...
whatever comes my way..through every situation I will follow you to the unknown...

Jesus CAN change and he DOES it!

however it was (and it wasn´t that good), the GFS is OVER!!
Technical hopes left me today but I don´t care anymore because I don´t wanna waste any other thought about such depressing and unimportant things like BWL.
there´s something that´s so much more important: Jesus is alive!!
I want to focus on Jesus and on the fact that he LOVES me, no matter what people tell me, no matter whether they like me or not.
I don´t care. Jesus said "the world will hate you if you belong to me". Maybe that´s the prize..but that´s a prize I´m willing to pay, because this world is not what makes me happy, anyway.
I wanna change the world, I wanna show people who Jesus is, and what he is able to do. I wanna show that Jesus CAN change people and that he also DOES it.
I want Gods Kingdom to come here on earth and I´m sure one day we will experience that it´s here!

Jesus, be my guider

Oh God, I´m so freaking scared about tomorrow...
I feel terrible, because of that GFS tomorrow..it seems like I wouldn´t know ANYTHING at all..and that´s a real horrible feeling..I´m scared about that this teacher who is unfair anyway, is in a bad mood or something...
God I pray that you give me the right words, and that I´m able to explain all the things that are difficult or anything..I pray that my teacher is in a good mood, that he´s social! I pray that you are there and that I´m convinced that I can do everything in the strength of christ.
I pray that all that technical stuff works, because I think I´m not even able to start this computer because I never did anything there.
I pray that everything´s gonna be alright and that you are just next to me God! PLEASE!!

I know I have to focus on jesus, and not on all those hard things, problems and stuff..but sometimes it´s so easy to lose sight of Jesus, when you´re fixed on all those things that are difficult.
But I wanna try to fix my eyes on Jesus, to set my focus on him, so that he can help me tomorrow..I have no chance but giving it up to jesus, into his hands!
I´m scared Jesus, you know that! Please come and take it into your hands and make the best out of it!

In his hands...

One more time Jesus showed me that he has everything in his hands and that I can do everything through the strength of christ.
it´s so awesome!! We had a employee training today and I should tell the people how you can get relationship to teens and how you should work with them and so on.
I really didn´t prepare anything for this and I was a bit scared because I really didn´t know what I was going to tell them...so I prayed and I said that Jesus should give me the right words.
And I think it was okay! Some people said it was good so I think it was.
Thanks to Jesus, he´s got the whole world in his hands!!

BWL...

did I ever mention that I HATE BWL?
and did I ever told you about how BORING it is to write a presentation about the currency system - from bretton woods till the euro.
it´s absolutely senseless...WHO wants to know THIS??
oh Jeeesus..don´t you wanna write for me??

fighting..-.-

so also im prinzip hab ich heut die bestaetigung bekommen dass meine schullaufbahn den bach runter geht..-.-
FRUEHER war es ja mal so dass man nach der 12ten klasse einfach ne dumme pruefung machen konnte und dann fachhochschulreife hatte..schoener traum!
um ne fachhochschulreife zu machen muss ich erstmal ne dreijaehrige(!!!) ausbildung machen...was ist DAS denn bitte fuer n bullshit...das willich doch gar nich..:( ganz davon abgesehen das ich einfach nich wuesste was fuer eine..
da mir mein BWL lehrer heut mal wieder ganz breit auf die nase gebunden hat dass ich mich ja quasi ganz eindeutig auf dem weg zur "nichtzulassung vom ABI" befinde weil ich ja keinen BWL kurs hab und ers mir wohl auch nicht mehr zutraut einen zu bekommen (ja okay, waer ja auch was ganz was neues wenn er mir mal irgendwas zutrauen wuerde...), bin ich jetzt natuerlich gleich doppelt motiviert meine GFS am naechsten montag zu halten (ja sogar so motiviert dass ichs jetz endlich auch mal geschafft hab was dafuer zu machen). da stellt sich mir nur ne klitzekleine frage: wozu eigentlich???
vllt sollt ichs einfach stecken wenn ich seh dass ichs wirklich verloos! ich werds dieses halbjahr noch vollens versuchen..aber danach sollte ende gelaende ein..ich hab einfach keine lust mehr mich durch sachen durchzuquaelen...ich will mich nicht quaelen..ich will LEBEN!
who am I to fight all my fucking life??
sollte es das sein was gott fuer mich vorbereitet hat dann schickts mich ziemlich..wobei ich mir von tag zu tag sicherer werd dass das eben NICHT das is was gott fuer mich vorbereitet hat!
ich will doch "nur" n eigenes kleines autolein, nen nebenjob und n platz zum leben..
okayokay...kommt zeit kommen die richtigen sachen schon von allein..nur WANN????

wishes come true!

ha!! :D
der Jesus hats mal wieder geschafft! he made it!!
die Kaddi und ich fahrn nach hockenheim (irgendwann...hoffentlich ganz bald!). und ich freu mich sooo unglaublich drauf!! er erfuellt mir gerade quasi jeden wunsch den ich hab irgendwie..
er kriegts immer wieder hin..it´s so awesome!!
dann hab ich heut von der Kaddi ne ganz tolle kette aus taizé gekriegt, und das allercoolste daran ist, dass ich schon vor wochen als flo die kette der nele und der kristina mitgebracht hat, beschlossen hab dass ich die mir kaufen werd wenn wir da hin fahren? isn´t that amazing?
Because Jesus told her she should give it to me!
Jesus is so awesome..!! und kaddi natuerlich auch ;)
ich schreib morgen noch geschi aber hey, das wird auch irgendwie klappen..mit dem jesus an meiner seite kann ja eigentlich gar nichts schief gehen!!
I love you Jesus, I love you! you are way too good for me, I don´t really deserve that, but it´s all because you love me and you care about me!
I am a friend of god, I am a friend of god, I am a friend of god he calls me friend!!

Father, into your hands I commend my spirit

Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave his only son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Father's broken heart
Tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, the day that true love died

Search your heart, you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the father's broken heart
Tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, the day that true love died

Now Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
oh He is alive
He rose again

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
Come close listen to the story
(Phil Wickham - True Love)

could there be any place on earth where we could find a love that is bigger than the love of god? of jesus?
is there anybody who would give his own son? is there anybody who would get nailed upon a cross although he didn´t do anything, no, in fact he did only good things!
I do believe and I know that there is NOBODY in this world, in this whole universe who would have a bigger love for us. NOBODY!
and it´s all just because of our sins..the mad things we do again every and every day..
yes, do you understand that?
JESUS DIED FOR YOU at the cross. he beared all this pain, he suffered like a dog, but what did he do? did he adjudge anybody for that?
NO! he just said "FATHER FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO"
could there be a greater love, when he even prays for the people who killed him, laughed about him? NO! NO! NO!
and at the end of everything, when he died he said "FATHER, INTO YOUR HANDS I COMMEND MY SPIRIT!"
and that´s what I wanna do too! I wanna commend my spirit into my fathers hands...
not in the way jesus did, because he died..I wanna give my life into the hands of my father.
and I know, HE´LL MAKE SOMETHING GOOD OUTTA IT!

Take all of me..

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name


ich will nichts anderes mehr..
Jesus, you´re the only one..I´ll go wherever you want me to.
I´ll do what you want me to. I´ll give all I am, all my heart, all my soul, because in the end YOU are the only one who can save me and who can fix my fucked up and broken life!
In you I have hope and future!
Take all of me and give me challenges and missions..
I´ll go jesus, I´ll go!

bristol

ich traeum von nichts mehr..
außer davon nach Bristol zu gehen!

und ich koennte sogar (zumindest fuer ne woche)
aber es geht nicht! aaaaaaaaah!

it just feels like every day I´m living here is a wasted day..in truth that´s of course not right..but do you know the feeling that you need to go away NOW, because anything else would be nonsense?
jesus christ, if i just think about staying here another year I´m going to get crazy!

Wooow I received an email at the moment from one of these guys from bristol.
Please god, open up doors, give me a chance!!

it´s just like...god KNOWS what he´s doing!

Amazing!!
I´ve been to "days of power" today..well the message was cool, it was about filling life up with god..searching love from god and not from the wrong "fillers"
but what impressed me much more were those african people who were there.
They danced..and it was awesome..I saw they danced for God, and in gods light and glory it was 5 times more amazing then it was anyway..
just how they moved..there´s only one thing I can say: woooow!!
so today I wrote with a girl I got to know at the domino camp 2005. and guess where she is?
Yes exactly! she´s at the bible-school in england where I long to be.
Just like I knew it..^^ Her father was on the network camp too, and he knew those british guys...and she told me a few weeks ago that she would be on a bible school in england which people know her father...and she offered me the chance to come for a week to see how it is.
I´d only need to buy my ticket for plain and the train from manchester, there´s a bed in her room and everything. And I could bite my ass, because that would be in the beginning of august and in that time I will be on holdiays. I´m really thinking about going there and not to that holidays..but i don´t know..I think if god wants me to go there he´ll find a way.
O god I really would like to go there, it would be SO amazing! please, give me another chance, please god!
I saw that i totally forgot to write down here what stefan driess´ prophecy for me was:
he said I would go on and on and on and that i´ll reach what I´m going for and that Jesus has a job for me in his first row.
and that I will be on missions one day..
I´m so excited lord! sooooo excited! it´s so amazing. huuuuuh god use me!

forget about you?

I almost forgot the date of this day..
what happened 2 years ago..I almost didn´t notive that it´s exactly this day...
I wish I had..
because now I sit here and I fall back a little bit..
falling back to memories I don´t really wann have..cause I think I´m at the point where I can say it´s over..over over over!
It was a wonderful time, I experienced some wonderful things, there were somebody who really shoewd me a lot for my life.
but well we all changed, you´ve been away..I stayed here..
but this one day in the year 2006 I´ll never forget..it´s something that holds us together forever..well I think so..you rather don´t.
but that´s something nobody can take away from me..and I´ll never let it go.
you mean a lot to me..you still do.

All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me

gods ways to lead me to my way

you can call me crazy!!
and slowly I also believe I am!
but you know what? I DON´T CARE!
People, I see Jesus! everyday again and again..I see him working and changing things and people around me. I hear his voice that is telling me what I have to do!
I feel his love, his glory and his grace inside of me. everything seems to be easier.
I no longer believe that he is right here next to me..I no longer believe he can change things..and I no longer doubt about his ways.
I KNOW that he´s with me all the time! I KNOW he CAN and WILL change things and I KNOW he has the right way for me...I´ll go on this way as long as he wants me to.
and if he wants me to turn around or to move my ass to another place he will show me.
I know there´s a reason for everything that is happening here. there´s a reason that I´m on this school. maybe I need to learn that there´s no sense in running away from the things that are hard to bear. maybe he really wants me to bring him, God, to this school.
maybe he thinks I could need those people there in my life..and yeah, maybe he´s right.
I got to know wonderful people, I wouldn´t wanna miss them..
and maybe there are some scrutinies that I have to pass...I know that every single problem there makes me ready to go out someday..to go my way.
and the most important thing in all this confusing stuff is that I don´t lose sight of God.
that I hold on to my amazing lord. that I fix my eyes upon my jesus. because without him it won´t work..that´s the only thing that´s really clear to me.

And yes I´m sitting here and I´m waiting for a few answers that could maybe change my whole life! and it´s hard to sit here and to wait and wait and wait and nothing´s going on..but maybe that´s just another challenge..maybe I´m too impatient..I know I am ;)
Just like to have a stupid mail now..but yeah, there´s nothing I can do but wait..and God knows what he´s doing.
Today in school I was absolutely amazed..I got back 14 point in religion..I couldn´t believe that! because after I wrote this examination I just felt like God told me absolutely everything I should write down. I felt like I wrote a preaching and I didn´t know if this was good or bad..I thought maybe I totally got 100 points or I´ll absolutely fail..
well apparently I got my 100 points..well...99 but I don´t care because I know it was God and that´s so amazing!
Tomorrow and on thursday I´ll fast..because God told me I should..So I would..I don´t know why, but I guess it´s because I should have a deep time with god..so I also wanna try to use my computer as less as possible..
Daddy I´m living for you..and everyday I find out a bit more what that really means! I love you God!

amazing god

I´m so amazed by our glorious, amazing and holy god!
there is this guy, stefan driess...and I heard him speaking, preaching and praying yesterday and it was amazing! he´s real, he´s on fire for god.
and I bought his book and I´m reading it and I can´t believe it.
I can´t believe this is the man that stood before me yesterday.
it´s unbelievable, what god makes out of a broken life.
this man was on the edge from life to death..he lived a destroyed life..destroyed from satan and from people..but he found such a new strength in god...
Now I definetly know what it means when we sing "in your presence broken lifes are made new - you make us new. cause when we see you we find strength to face the day..in your presence all our fears are washed away" it´s true..it´s easily true!
Use me god, I´m here..take my life and do what you want with me!