thoughts...

dear god.
I live every day with you and you know that.
I wake up every morning and it´s not that bad than before..I know you´ll walk with me the whole day. and that´s awesome..that makes my life so much better..
there are some points in my life where it´s really going foreward..and that´s woderful, I´m so thankful about that..
but there are also things I still can´t handle..there are still feelings I can´t change, although I don´t want to have them. there are thoughts I´d like to erase off my mind, because - to be honest - I thought them through about a thousand times and I never came to an end. I ask myself where´s the sense in that?
I know I have to learn about this life..and I can only learn by experience. and I know suffering belongs to the learning.
but..aren´t 2 years of suffering because of one thing enough?? when do I reach the point where I can say "this pain and this suffering is finally over!!"?
I really do not see the sense in that Lord, I´m fighting against myself and I´m trying to banish all these thoughts, these feelings, these memories and everything that belongs to it.
I really hate thinking about stupid things so please lord, bring it to an end.
what kind of end I slowly don´t care about anymore...if you show me the one way it could be hard, the other way may be even harder..but I haven´t got the strength to go on with this situation and I know someday there must be a point that says it´s clear now, and I ask myself "why not today?"
I know lord, i think about many things a bit easy because I say "you could do everything if you want to, so why don´t you just easily....." I know that´s bullshit..because everyone has his own will..but daddy, I please you now, after 150 prayers I send another prayer that´s the 151st..please..release me!

and please let me out, let me out
let me out of this hell when you´re around....!