thoughts and thoughts...

what i want from you
is empty your head
they say be true,
don't stain your bed
we do what we need to be free
and it leans on me
like a rootless tree
what i want from us
is empty our minds
we fake a fuss
and fracture the times
we go blind
when we've needed to see
and it leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it, leave it, leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me, hate me, hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out, let me out,
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out, let me out,

what i want from this
is learn to let go
no not of you
of all that's been told
killers reinvent and believe
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it, leave it, leave it,
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me, hate me , hate me,
then hate me so good that you can let me out , let me out, let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out...
and fuck you, fuck you, i love you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out...
it's hell when you're around

such a wonderful song! I can´t tell why it means so much to me, because I don´t even know. but it´s so beautiful.

today was a very long day..well, I went away from school after 2 hours BWL and 2 hours maths, because I didn´t feel alright enough to go to the spanish-lesson.
i hate it. i hate it so. i hate every hour I spend in this fucking house, I hate every single word I need to speak in these lessons, I hate this disgusting and ugly building. I hate my marks and every fucking word that´s spoken about points and stuff. I hate this silly gfs I need to do for BWL.
I was glad to leave this building as soon as possible and I went to the JuCa.
it´s like coming home when I enter this café on monday and I know that I meet my friends and some really great people.
But after that I had driving lesson..and it was terrible..I think I did everything wrong..it couldn´t be worse.. okay, truly I didn´t felt very motivated..I hate driving around in little streets..that´s so boring..
And then I went to wellingen to learn maths..and yeah, I really understood almost everything. i think it´s the first time I ever understood something about maths, since I´m in form 12.
it was chilled..and it was good.
but I´d like to know why it cuts me so hard to see people sad..
there are some things that would still kill me and I don´t even want to think about because..well I don´t know..I´m just blabbing..
It´s so difficult to let go. I wouldn´t have ever imagined that it could hurt so bad..I never thought it would be so hard to be honest to myself, and I never thought it could be so hard to let got, to forget, to tell myself how it has to be, to realize there´s no chance at all..
in some things life´s a fuckin bitch.
I ask myself when my heart is ready to let go. let go everything..
I long for running away as fast as I can just to let it all behind..turn my back on all this shit and just say goodbye.
there´s more..

well, god made clear to me that there has to be a change in my life.
old things out, new things in. bad things away. and yes, I knew it would be hard. he told me that it would be very hard and that it will hurt like hell. now I know what he meant by telling me this.
I know and I feel that he wants me to go away as soon as possible..just turn my back on this life here so that I can start something new somewhere else..I don´t know where he will lead me to,but I´m sure he will lead me right.
it hurts my soul to think about going away and leave all those people I love, all my hobbies, domino, all these animals..
BUT..on the other hands I´m getting very excited, because I know it won´t be that long till then and I know it was my dream for years, and I know I can learn so many things about the world, about myself and about god. about other people and about life.
please god lead me, lead me tomorrow through this german-test I need to write, lead me through the rest of the week till the holidays are there, lead me trough the holidays and lead me my whole life. I need your guidance. I need you lord!

why don´t you let go? what hurts you so?
why do you hold on to what you don´t belong?

yes, that´s what I ask myself every and every day again..