bullshit bullshit bullshit

what the fuck is going on?
I´m thinking and thinking and I´m not coming to any point.
I think about myself, who I am and what I´m doing at the moment..
I´m a bit disappointed of myself because I realize what´s going wrong here.
I see myself running and running and the far I come the more I get the feeling I´m running towards a big bunch of shit.
didn´t I say that - whatever comes my way - I´ll fight it away with he help and the strength of jesus?? and where is this desire and the yearning in my heart?
instead I´m hanging around here, thinking, blaming myself and trying to convince myself that everything is and will be okay..
what a bullshit!
God, please show me my way..show me our way! the way we both can be happy, the way it´s the best for both of us.
I want to hear your voice lord, I want to see your beauty and your mercy..and yes, I really NEED your HELP, because I´m not coming to any point alone. I won´t find the answer alone. no way lord...SPEAK to me, COME to me, SHOW me your LOVE, SHOW me your face lord, SHOW me who you are and what you want me to DO!