hearing gods voice

maybe I should update this blog here..
I didnt wrote something for a long time..
The last week was pretty interesting for me..I did some steps foreward in hearing gods voice..
Especially when it was about ungodly believes and soaking God talked a lot to me.
I got many pictures and he told me some stuff about our relationship and also about the relationship to my parents. To be honest this is the hardest part of it all..
I really have to learn to just love them, no matter what.
I have to learn to forgive them and not to bear a grudge..because they are my parents and Im trying to think about the fact that they do all those things because they love me and they want me to be save.
There was also something hard I realized about all this stuff: I will never be able to wrap them into my arms because I forgave them and they forgave me..because they dont even really know what forgiveness means because they dont accept the forgiveness from Jesus.
They dont know how much forgiveness means to me and also they dont know how hard it is for me to forgive (them).
But God also told me that he is working inside of them..And I really wanna believe him..I wanna pray for them.
I know that God is working inside of me too..I feel it and its not always easy..
Its also not easy because the only person I can really talk about it all without feeling misunderstood is in england.
But I know that she is even there for me when shes in England! And thats so good.
But I nevertheless miss her..
Im excited what happens in the next few weeks of my week..lets see..

blubb

so just some updates of my life..
kaddi left on friday and it felt like I could never stop cryin again..people I tell u Ill never bring anyone to an airport again..thats so horrible to see that someone leaving and youre just like "nooooo dont go!!"
whatever..now Im kinda alone here, I stil got some friends but noone compares to her.
some old friends arent interested at all to stay in contact so atm its a time full of goodbies which Im not very happy about.
Im so happy that the ppl from toronto are here..I spend loads of time with them and Im so happy about it. Theyre so openhearted, so friendly and so loving, and even if theyre only here since about a week with some of them its like we knew eac other for a longer time..
its great fun making music with them, dance with them or just hang around and talk.
next weekend its gonna be the soaking weekend and I will be there...Im glad about it. Glad about bein away from home for 2 days..
just have some hard times with my parents becos I quit school..its annoying becos actually I just want some freetime now, without thinkin that much about the upcoming time, becos I have enough time to think about that all when I start my internship in february..
I just wanna be free for at least a few weeks becos I reli need some time for myself now without always worrying about anything..its so exhausting...!!
lifes okay somehow..I miss kaddi but i know its best for her to be in manchester...
so goodnite guys...

my wonderful saviour

so here I am..back home..and somehow Im glad..but on the other hand its a pity..
I reli dont miss the kitchen..I dont miss stinkin the whole day becos everything thats near the kitchen is stinkin...I also dont miss it to miss some great stuff becos Im standing in the kitchen..
Really..Ill never ever go into the kitchen again..cutting vegetables, washing the dishes, put away plates, glasses and shit like that..really..thats not my kind of work, thats what I figured out..
we had hard times sometimes..we didnt sleep much..we went to bed very late (or better said early) and got up at 7 am..we were standin in the kitchen when all the others had fun in the café, at seminars or somewhere alse, and we also missed a part of a very good worship time with the people from toronto...today we didnt even know if we could go to the last service becos we needed to clean the kitchen...
I guess God REALLY wanted to show me how precious these times are..where I can stand and worship him, where I can listen to good sermons, where I can just have some time for myself and him, some time to come down..and I guess he also wanted to show me that its sometimes very hard to have a serving heart...but that there are situations in life where its hard to give him honour but you nevertheless should do it ALL THE TIME in your life..
Yesterday evenin I had a very good worship time..all the evenings it was about bein real...before yourself, before other people and before God...
Sometimes Im reli stupid..I think I could show God how great he is and how much I worship him and stuff...and its not like I wouldnt mean that.
But sometimes its just not how I wish it would be...and so God told me yesterday that I should just lay down and enjoy the time with him..and thats what I did..and it was so good..becos before that worship time Ive been so dissatisfied with my relationship to him, with myself and with everything..and afterwards Ive been so calm..yeah..and happy!
so I reli figured out that God is good in every way..how wonderful our god is..Im reli thankful!! who would I be without him?? NOBODY!!

why am I not allowed to...

so here we are in the year 2009..
actually its still unbelievable for me that the year 2008 is already over becos sometimes it seems as if time was runnin..
I clearly remember summer 2008 and i cant believe 6 months passed since Ive been at zeltstadt and stuff...
but whatever I think or however it feels, its over and something new is coming now.
And Im reli lookin foreward to everything that will happen this year. Im sure there will be lots of challenges and changes.
Somehow Im a bit scared about that but actually most of all Im excited becos goin through changes means growing in identity.
I know that God planned this whole year to be a year full of changes for me..the first change will come soon..kaddi will leave..and to be honest: I never had to dispense without her for such a long time. Im sure it will be hard..I cant just call her when i feel like it, I cant visit her whenever I want, she cant come around to share 2 hours together..yeah Ill pretty much miss her..but I know that this friendship was built in heaven and so Im sure that it will last..no matter what happens, were gonna stay together..Im gonna visit her, probably sometime in april..
and Im sure were gonna hev a great time then and maybe will visit some friends too..
another challenge will be the internship Im gonna do..its something completely new for me..and that I wont ever go to school again is a strange feeling..it will be my first year without school!
when everything turns out right Im gonna leave this country in 8 months to stay in england for 10 months. Without a doubt thats the biggest challenge..never been away from homw for such a long time..but..I know its what God wants me to do and so Im gonna do it and Im reli lookin foreward to it. Sometimes I wish I could leave immediately.
Im sure that God will do something in our prayer group..becos I know that we are ready to go for whatever he has for us and there could be crazy things goin on!!
I wanna learn to trust God more and more..I wanna give my life fully into his hands and I reli wanna give my WHOLE LIFE to serve him and other people..Im not quite sure how this will look like and I dont know what Im gonna do or what will be my way..but it feels like God would want to show it to me within this year 2009.
So I can be excited!! And I am..
well..actually almost everythings perfect right now..Im gonna go to the nordalb tomorrow to the new years camp and Im sure well have a good time..Kaddi and me are in the kitchen..it will be funny I guess ;)
so..actually almost everythings perfect...theres only ONE thing....

Your beauty pricks directly into my heart
your kind of being impresses me so deeply
your eyes dispossess me of my mind
youre so confused somtimes, it makes me laugh
everything you do makes me love you more and more

why am I not allowed to have you?