thoughts

Ive just been thinking about soo many things the last time..and I dont know how to get wisdom to answer all the questions I have..
I wondered if Im the only one whos always thinkin and thinkin...and if thats the case I wonder how everyone else can live without thinking, without asking those questions..
for example one thing: what is my way? where is my place in this world? what will I do?
Right now I cant make a decision to chose a job I wanna do the next 10/20/30 years in my life...thats just a too big decision..On the other side I have to decide that sooner or later..
But first of all I actually wanna knnow what Im gonna do the next 12 months, that would be a good beginning..I made some decisions, one of them is that I will definitely leave germany. I definitely wanna go to england, but I dont know if it works out..england fells like the only place I wanna be at the moment..
the last few days I felt SO done with germany..I felt so wrong here and I just wished to get into a plane and to fly somewhere far away (or maybe not even that far..)..
Sometimes I like that feeling of total unsurance..it means that I dont know what comes next and that I have to trust God in every part of my life..and sometimes thats really okay because I KNOW that God has only the best for me..but sometimes its hard..cosyou cant tell where you are in 5 months..I cant tell you where Im gonna be, what Im gonna do and what is to come afterwards..I cant tell you anything at all and sometimes that scares me..why??
Because Im german and I learned to have secureness. I always knew how it felt to have a house to live in, without thinking about how to pay it..I knew how it feels to always have at least ONE person I can talk to when I felt bad (that doesnt mean I always did it but I had the possibility), I knew how it is to have one time at the day where I am doing what I always do and what I have to do (for example school), I always knew what comes next because it was always the same. I always knew where to go when Ive been ill, theres a doctor for everything around here..
I dont know where Im gonna live in england and particularly I dont know how to pay it, I dont know what Im gonna do everyday...I wont know where to go when Im ill cos I have NO idea what is where..Ill have to find some new people cos all my friends will still be my friends but they wont be around me..
I wont go to a school everyday and thats how it goes..and even now I feel out of secureness...okay I got a job I do 2 days a week and Ive got an internship..but it all not the same..I dont have a plan for the future and I dont know what Im gonna do..
I dont wanna say its a bad situation..its just frightening sometimes..thats all..and so Im thinking a lot about what is to come but I dont come to any end because right now there easily isnt a solution.
One more thing I realized is, that the next time I decide to have a relationship I want it to be forever.
And I know that many people say that, but I really mean it..why?
Because its way too painful to lose people you love...especially to lose the partner you once thought you´d spend your whole life with...I dont want that anymore..
that might sound weird, I know..but isnt it sad that, when youve been together for some time that you cant even talk anymore when you break up? thats rediculous...yes, it is!
I figured out that there is one thing that is getting more and more important for me. It is to learn from people..from people who are older, who have wisdom, who have experiences.
For me there is nothing that is more amazing than spending time with people, talking about life, about God, about what happened and what is to come.
It is sooo good to talk to wise people, and also to get challenged from them.
I realized I can learn SO much from them. And I think that will be one big part of my next year..just learning from people..that might sound boring or stupid in your ears but you know what? for me it is important..its such an important thing in life that we can have relationship to other generations. Seriously!! When I was younger I always thought "why should I spend time with people who could be my parents?"..now I think its important becuse they can be something like spiritual parents..I can learn those things from them I didnt learn in my non-christian family..I never had the possibility to ask my parents about anything that belongs to Jesus, to the bible or to the holy spirit..because they dont care about it.
And I dont know much, but one thing I know for sure:
There is only ONE foundation, ONE creator, ONE saviour, ONE king, ONE perfect father, ONE true friend, ONE who knows it all, ONE who has the right way, ONE hope, ONE who is perfect, ONE who is always there and only ONE who saved me.
I would rather lose every secureness in this world but standing there without God. Because without him Im REALLY lost. With him there is always something to hope for.
Something to look foreward to. Something I can be sure about: his great and big love that NEVER EVER ends.
Why am I telling you this??
I actually dont know..maybe because I want you to know my thoughts..maybe because I think it could touch you..maybe because I wanna share what I know...read it, say something or stay calm, whatever you do - have a nice day ;)

easter and stuff

so, this is easter...
What can i say? Im more and more amazed of how God is and what he did for me about 2000 years ago...I know, its the same every year again, but it seems like every year Id realize it again and again..and every year again I cant believe it! I cant understand that he gave so much for me..that he gave everything so that I can be free and saved..WOW!!
sometimes when I talk to some people I get sad, because they just cant understand what I think about it..they cant understand the truth..the truth that they are free and saved if they only believe in him...
Its sad to see people you love ruin their lives because they cant see the truth..but Im gonna keep praying for them..
But my easter-days were actually pretty nice!! spend some time with my family and some time with friends and I had lots of fun..well the best friend was missing..but Im soo lookin foreward to summer...
Im trying to figure out what my way is, where god wants me to go..thats quite interesting, because theres nothing thats sure by now..
There are only a few things I know..: I need some time for me and God...to grow, to get deeper into this relationship, to learn more about myself, my life and where its gonna lead me..
And I need people I can learn from..People I know they got wisdom and they know a lot of Gods kingdom and that can show me the things they know and that challenge me..
I realize that Im really searching for people at the moment..people who are older than I am and who can tell me about their lives..because its so interesting and also important to learn from them..I guess thats also a way to get some wisdom..life-experiences..
And I love those times where I can just listen to those people or talk to them..
And I hope that I can be somebody someday who is such a person for the younger generation..someone they love to talk to, someone they just love to drink coffee with and to listen to them.
And I also really wanna be somebody as they prophecied over me..somebody the older people love to hang out with because they can also learn something from me..I actually often dont see what older people could learn from me, but I think has his own ways!!
And what Im still longing to be is somebody who is a real love-giver..pure love-giver!! I often realize that there are some people that are really hard to love..and even if its just because some things that happened in the past..there are some people..I still havent forgave them eventhough I prayed about it about 20 times.. I just wanna let work god through it because one thing I know: I cant do it by myself..I cant change myself..thats Gods part!
Im excited what comes..Im gonna meet some great people the next few days..to hang out, to drink coffee with them, to talk to them..and thats amazing!! And from wednesday to sunday Im gonna be at the leiterkurs..guess thats gonna be cool...I hope to have some good conversations there..and also Im gonna be at the soul-devotion counselor-weekend on friday and saturday! And thats the thing Im excited and scared of the most..because Im sure there will be many things God will bring up..I already feel that..and its good when God brings up stuff from the past..thats why Im excited..but its also really painful sometimes and thats why Im scared..
But he would never do things that are too much for me, so Im gonna trust in him that its gonna be really good!! And I know Im gonna have some amazing times this week..also because of the people Im gonna meet!
Well yeah..Im excited what will happen..Holy spirit, take control!! Take control over my life, my mind and my feelings..God come and let your strength rise in me so that I can become more like you are..Come and let your glory fall on me..Holy spirit DANCE!!

back "home"

so here I am..back home again...how does it feel? not like home..!
Strange..its always that way when I come back from england..what does that mean?? I do not even understand myself..
The time in manchester was amazing...challenging in every way, sometimes kind of hard, sometimes pretty encouraging..I got a prophecy that Im gonna leave germany soon...well..what else do I wanna hear? wasnt I just wondering what will happen the next time? And here I find myself again with nothing but one desire in my heart: could I please leave right now? could I just pack my bags again and take the next flight (back) to england?
why do I always feel like its breaking my heart when I leave this country..I sat at the airport, alone, and I felt like somebody would rip me my heart out..I must have looked like the dumpest fool ever...
so I just unpacked my bags and now I even feel worse..I know that there are lots of things for me to do here in germany..but...do I really want that? The only thing I want is to get away from here and to learn something for myself..just me and god..so that he can really work in me without me doing always stuff for everybody around me but myself..
this is soo exhausting...really, my problem is NOT that I dont wanna help people, my problem is that I first have to take some time out for myself to get healed and THEN Im ready to safe the world (kind of ;)
well..now Im trying to get some sleep or something like that...its actually too late anyway...2 am..but well..Im still living in the british time and there its only 1 am..:D