DieFabelhafteWeltDerLizzy

learning life lessons :)

2009-05-25T09:53:00.003+01:00

I totally enjoy being here at the moment!!
I hang out a lot with some amazing people, we have good evenings, good conversations, nice barbecuing and sometimes alcohol :D
No, to be honest, I totally enjoy it because I love being around people who are honest, funny, loving and good to talk to...And I realize more and more that this is something I really appreciate about this place here!
And I think thats exactly what I should do...enojy it here until Im leaving, so that I know that I used the time here good..
Its really going on at the moment, yesterday I said goodbye to loads of things that arent good for me..I decided to give away books and CDs I read and listened to a few years ago..its music with lyrics that arent okay..they are about violence, against God, for the Devil and so on...
Its not like I would have listened to all that stuff in the last year, its just that I still had loooaaads of this music on my computer... - I deleted EVERYTHING! It was kinda hard cos there were some bands I really liked, even two of my former favourite bands...But its away and I have no chance to get it back (well, I could buy all the CDs but I dont think I would do that^^)!
And I felt good afterwards! Amazingly free..and I know that God just wanted me to do that esterday...cos I felt a big contestation from the devil in my life and Im sure it has/had to do with my past because he exactly knows how he can get me...but there is no space for him, I wont give him space in my heart..he can do nothing cos I belong to Jesus.
God is also showing me his big big love again and again..and I think I still do not understand everything about it yet..but its so good to just let him speak the truth into my heart..I do not have to DO anything, I just have to BE! And this is soo incredible!!
So, even when Im not doing a bible school or something like that at the moment I can learn a looot!! Cos God is everywhere and he is always always good!! He is King..the ONLY King!!

leaving so soon...

2009-05-15T22:33:00.004+01:00

sometimes (not very often) there are these days where I actually feel good about being in germany.
Amazing people around me. some nice paths to walk when I want some calmness around me. Everything I got used to in the many years I lived here. Fun, joy, happiness.
Those are the days I think I dont wanna leave. Where Im almost a bit scared to leave..away from everything and everyone I know? Alone? Without ANYBODY I know?
I know that the time is here to leave germany..I feel it and I know its good and soo important for me to get away for a while..get some inner healing, get to know the world, grow in my identity through being alone and bein forced to open up myself to get to know new people.
Yeah, just experiencing new stuff...
But as Im a person who always thinks shes missing something when shes not around here its pretty hard for me to leave everything I know and everything that is to come...Things I know will happen in the future but..I wont be there...and they will nevertheless happen...thats something that is very hard for me to take.
Some people might not understand this but thats just the way it is..and I think thats something I gotta learn while Im away...I cant be in 2 places at the same time..even if I try as hard as I can..its not possible.
So...its good to get away..but it also scares me...cos sometimes you do not know what you have and love till you leave...and...~~I dont wanna come back and see you are taken...~~

life..

2009-05-06T18:21:00.003+01:00

sometimes I just cant believe how the time is running!
It feels like the year just started and now its may again...and it starts getting more and more interesting..when everything works out like I want it to Im gonna leave germany in a bit more that 3 months...which feels weird.
And Im gonna go to england..but..thats not everything. I think Ill really apply for the SOM in Toronto.
I never thought I would do that but sometimes Gods ways are different than we think.
Not much changed at all..Im still doing my job - delivering letters. I somehow hate it..and on the other hand its actually not that bad..I cant actually describe how I feel about it, its weird.
But that doesnt matter because I get some money for it and thats exactly what I need..
But sometimes Im still scared..that I dont have enough of it..
The things I wanna do, or better said the journeys to the other countries arent cheap...they are soo expensive..the only thing I can do is praying that God sends me a miracle or something...
So..actually thats all I gotta say..I dont know anything to tell..

thoughts

2009-04-22T18:04:00.001+01:00

Ive just been thinking about soo many things the last time..and I dont know how to get wisdom to answer all the questions I have..
I wondered if Im the only one whos always thinkin and thinkin...and if thats the case I wonder how everyone else can live without thinking, without asking those questions..
for example one thing: what is my way? where is my place in this world? what will I do?
Right now I cant make a decision to chose a job I wanna do the next 10/20/30 years in my life...thats just a too big decision..On the other side I have to decide that sooner or later..
But first of all I actually wanna knnow what Im gonna do the next 12 months, that would be a good beginning..I made some decisions, one of them is that I will definitely leave germany. I definitely wanna go to england, but I dont know if it works out..england fells like the only place I wanna be at the moment..
the last few days I felt SO done with germany..I felt so wrong here and I just wished to get into a plane and to fly somewhere far away (or maybe not even that far..)..
Sometimes I like that feeling of total unsurance..it means that I dont know what comes next and that I have to trust God in every part of my life..and sometimes thats really okay because I KNOW that God has only the best for me..but sometimes its hard..cosyou cant tell where you are in 5 months..I cant tell you where Im gonna be, what Im gonna do and what is to come afterwards..I cant tell you anything at all and sometimes that scares me..why??
Because Im german and I learned to have secureness. I always knew how it felt to have a house to live in, without thinking about how to pay it..I knew how it feels to always have at least ONE person I can talk to when I felt bad (that doesnt mean I always did it but I had the possibility), I knew how it is to have one time at the day where I am doing what I always do and what I have to do (for example school), I always knew what comes next because it was always the same. I always knew where to go when Ive been ill, theres a doctor for everything around here..
I dont know where Im gonna live in england and particularly I dont know how to pay it, I dont know what Im gonna do everyday...I wont know where to go when Im ill cos I have NO idea what is where..Ill have to find some new people cos all my friends will still be my friends but they wont be around me..
I wont go to a school everyday and thats how it goes..and even now I feel out of secureness...okay I got a job I do 2 days a week and Ive got an internship..but it all not the same..I dont have a plan for the future and I dont know what Im gonna do..
I dont wanna say its a bad situation..its just frightening sometimes..thats all..and so Im thinking a lot about what is to come but I dont come to any end because right now there easily isnt a solution.
One more thing I realized is, that the next time I decide to have a relationship I want it to be forever.
And I know that many people say that, but I really mean it..why?
Because its way too painful to lose people you love...especially to lose the partner you once thought you´d spend your whole life with...I dont want that anymore..
that might sound weird, I know..but isnt it sad that, when youve been together for some time that you cant even talk anymore when you break up? thats rediculous...yes, it is!
I figured out that there is one thing that is getting more and more important for me. It is to learn from people..from people who are older, who have wisdom, who have experiences.
For me there is nothing that is more amazing than spending time with people, talking about life, about God, about what happened and what is to come.
It is sooo good to talk to wise people, and also to get challenged from them.
I realized I can learn SO much from them. And I think that will be one big part of my next year..just learning from people..that might sound boring or stupid in your ears but you know what? for me it is important..its such an important thing in life that we can have relationship to other generations. Seriously!! When I was younger I always thought "why should I spend time with people who could be my parents?"..now I think its important becuse they can be something like spiritual parents..I can learn those things from them I didnt learn in my non-christian family..I never had the possibility to ask my parents about anything that belongs to Jesus, to the bible or to the holy spirit..because they dont care about it.
And I dont know much, but one thing I know for sure:
There is only ONE foundation, ONE creator, ONE saviour, ONE king, ONE perfect father, ONE true friend, ONE who knows it all, ONE who has the right way, ONE hope, ONE who is perfect, ONE who is always there and only ONE who saved me.
I would rather lose every secureness in this world but standing there without God. Because without him Im REALLY lost. With him there is always something to hope for.
Something to look foreward to. Something I can be sure about: his great and big love that NEVER EVER ends.
Why am I telling you this??
I actually dont know..maybe because I want you to know my thoughts..maybe because I think it could touch you..maybe because I wanna share what I know...read it, say something or stay calm, whatever you do - have a nice day ;)

easter and stuff

2009-04-13T09:54:00.003+01:00

so, this is easter...
What can i say? Im more and more amazed of how God is and what he did for me about 2000 years ago...I know, its the same every year again, but it seems like every year Id realize it again and again..and every year again I cant believe it! I cant understand that he gave so much for me..that he gave everything so that I can be free and saved..WOW!!
sometimes when I talk to some people I get sad, because they just cant understand what I think about it..they cant understand the truth..the truth that they are free and saved if they only believe in him...
Its sad to see people you love ruin their lives because they cant see the truth..but Im gonna keep praying for them..
But my easter-days were actually pretty nice!! spend some time with my family and some time with friends and I had lots of fun..well the best friend was missing..but Im soo lookin foreward to summer...
Im trying to figure out what my way is, where god wants me to go..thats quite interesting, because theres nothing thats sure by now..
There are only a few things I know..: I need some time for me and God...to grow, to get deeper into this relationship, to learn more about myself, my life and where its gonna lead me..
And I need people I can learn from..People I know they got wisdom and they know a lot of Gods kingdom and that can show me the things they know and that challenge me..
I realize that Im really searching for people at the moment..people who are older than I am and who can tell me about their lives..because its so interesting and also important to learn from them..I guess thats also a way to get some wisdom..life-experiences..
And I love those times where I can just listen to those people or talk to them..
And I hope that I can be somebody someday who is such a person for the younger generation..someone they love to talk to, someone they just love to drink coffee with and to listen to them.
And I also really wanna be somebody as they prophecied over me..somebody the older people love to hang out with because they can also learn something from me..I actually often dont see what older people could learn from me, but I think has his own ways!!
And what Im still longing to be is somebody who is a real love-giver..pure love-giver!! I often realize that there are some people that are really hard to love..and even if its just because some things that happened in the past..there are some people..I still havent forgave them eventhough I prayed about it about 20 times.. I just wanna let work god through it because one thing I know: I cant do it by myself..I cant change myself..thats Gods part!
Im excited what comes..Im gonna meet some great people the next few days..to hang out, to drink coffee with them, to talk to them..and thats amazing!! And from wednesday to sunday Im gonna be at the leiterkurs..guess thats gonna be cool...I hope to have some good conversations there..and also Im gonna be at the soul-devotion counselor-weekend on friday and saturday! And thats the thing Im excited and scared of the most..because Im sure there will be many things God will bring up..I already feel that..and its good when God brings up stuff from the past..thats why Im excited..but its also really painful sometimes and thats why Im scared..
But he would never do things that are too much for me, so Im gonna trust in him that its gonna be really good!! And I know Im gonna have some amazing times this week..also because of the people Im gonna meet!
Well yeah..Im excited what will happen..Holy spirit, take control!! Take control over my life, my mind and my feelings..God come and let your strength rise in me so that I can become more like you are..Come and let your glory fall on me..Holy spirit DANCE!!

back "home"

2009-04-04T00:49:00.003+01:00

so here I am..back home again...how does it feel? not like home..!
Strange..its always that way when I come back from england..what does that mean?? I do not even understand myself..
The time in manchester was amazing...challenging in every way, sometimes kind of hard, sometimes pretty encouraging..I got a prophecy that Im gonna leave germany soon...well..what else do I wanna hear? wasnt I just wondering what will happen the next time? And here I find myself again with nothing but one desire in my heart: could I please leave right now? could I just pack my bags again and take the next flight (back) to england?
why do I always feel like its breaking my heart when I leave this country..I sat at the airport, alone, and I felt like somebody would rip me my heart out..I must have looked like the dumpest fool ever...
so I just unpacked my bags and now I even feel worse..I know that there are lots of things for me to do here in germany..but...do I really want that? The only thing I want is to get away from here and to learn something for myself..just me and god..so that he can really work in me without me doing always stuff for everybody around me but myself..
this is soo exhausting...really, my problem is NOT that I dont wanna help people, my problem is that I first have to take some time out for myself to get healed and THEN Im ready to safe the world (kind of ;)
well..now Im trying to get some sleep or something like that...its actually too late anyway...2 am..but well..Im still living in the british time and there its only 1 am..:D

Manchester, here I come

2009-03-26T14:27:00.003Z

today is the day!! Im gonna fly to manchester in 3 and a half hours and Im gonna see Kaddi there!! Yeeeaah Im soo lookin foreward to this week, were gonna have such a good time!!
Im sure that God will do a lot...and I actually dont have that much to write at the moment, the only thing I know is that Im excited and curious about this upcoming week..!! :)
I wish everyone of you an awesome week - whatever you do and wherever you are!!
Be open!! God will work in you if you only allow him to!!

its worth it all

2009-03-22T14:05:00.002Z

One more time in my life I have to realize that things NEVER go like you expect them to..
Okay alright, I gotta admit that I somehow expected that it wont turn out to be like I wished it to...
somehow I just felt deep inside of me that it wont be that easy..
But somehow it just feels weird to notice that you have to change your dream a bit..
So one more time in this life I am allowed to go into this life-school with god again..and I think not it becomes even more exciting than ever before..because now I really gotta trust him, I need to hear what hes gotta say, what he wants me to do and where he wants me to go.
I have no idea about it right now..but Im sure hes gonna tell me when he thinks the time has come..
I have to say that its okay right now..I think God wants me learn that I cant always plan everything Im going to do...HE has it in his hands anyway...and he has only the best for me..so lets see..

And you know what? somehow it feels just good to be alive.
Im soo glad to get to manchester in 4 days I cant wait!! Because Im gonna have an awesome time there! And Im sure god will even change me there..because hes changing me every and every day I allow him to.
Now Im gonna go to a konfi-service and afterwards we´re gonna drive to the jesus treff to hear mal calledine..Im excited because he REALLY has something to tell..
I love this life..eventhough sometimes its not easy...but its worth it all..!!
Every single minute is worth it all!!

being thankful in every circumstance

2009-03-11T00:30:00.002Z

well I actually should be in bed since about one hour but somehow I just do not feel like sleepin would be what I need right now..I would rather love to have some soaking time, which Im probably going to have after this post here..when I fall asleep while soaking its not that bad..;)
Just realized that its been a while since I wrote something here so I decided to change that fact.
The last two weeks havent been that cool..I mean it was okay...but as I had a contusion in my knee I had to stay at home the whole last week which was pretty boring..
And do you know that, when you are only stayin in bed all the time becos you cant move you get veeeery lazy??
Oh dear, Ive been sooo lazy!! Every little action seemed to be too much...and you know what comes after lazyness? Demotivation..you have NO joy about ANYTHING.
I wasnt even motivated to go on with my intern eventhough its actually great fun.
Well this time is almost over and Im soo glad about it.
Jesus is showing me some new ways to have good times..Today I had some teaching in music..well actually I understood all this theoretical music stuff the first time in my life! And I had fun to sit at home for another hour just to figure out where on my guitar which tone is..isnt that crazy? But I like it..I like to improve my features because thats something useful..
I had some cool times the last few weeks though..
Theres a girl Im hangin out a lot with..shes cool and I like spending time with her because I think shes real and I feel that there´s jesus inside of her..its so good to share time with such people..
We watched some good films, had worship times and just talked..yes that was cool!
And something else I did was reading, I read the book wild at heart, which is very interesting if you wanna understand why men are how they are :D
Somehow Jesus is working inside of me and I do not even realize it..
Let me say it like this:
Im not going through the easiest time of my life..I havent got a job, I have no idea if the school I wanna do in england is even existing this year, I do not know what Im gonna do or where Im gonna be in 5 years...
The very only thing I know is that God is with me...everywhere, everytime and whatever I do..
And I know that there are ppl who support me..
maybe not financial but as I figured out theres something thats more worth than money: and that is relationship and love.
How good it feels to know that there are people standing behind me who hold me, who believe in me, who make me stand strong and who give me their hands to help me to stand up again after falling...
How good to know that there are places where I can go and where I KNOW that there will be people who support me.
I just wanna write it down here that Im so thankful that God gave me those people.
I know I shouldnt rely on relationships with people because people arent perfect and people hurt each other..but thats not what Im talkin about..Im talkin about that ONE foundation I can rely on, that one foundation that always stands strong! And that one foundation, this wonderful and glorious God and Daddy in heaven gave me some people who strenghten me on my way! And yes, maybe they hurt me sometimes, but when I KNOW that and when I only trust in God whos NEVER hurting me I can just be thankful..
And I really wanna learn to be thankful in every circumstance of my life! Thankful for everything I have..because I have so much!!
I have everything I need..I have God, I have friends and I have a family which I love so much!!

this is the life

2009-02-25T11:57:00.003Z

Actually Im pretty happy with my life at the moment!!
The sun is shining again, I know that spring is coming soon (it cant be long until spring is there), Ive got a cool internship and I hope Im gonna go to england in august...AND Im gonna visit kaddi in manchester soon! everythings cool!
only ONE thing bothers me...I still need a job! I need something to earn money...I NEED MONEY for england..and I have NO CLUE where I should get it from because EVERYWHERE Im trying to get a job they dont need anyone...feels like Ive asked EVERYWHERE..the only thing I could maye do is work in the cafeteria in...yeah..guess where?? In my old school...and thats the most horrible thing I could imagine...I would rather clean every flippin house in kirchheim than doing that..
I really need that money but thats something like soul-torture...
well lets just see what happens..I just hope that god will give me a job or that money falls from heaven or what do I know...:/
its definitely a difficult thing..
but still Im thankful that god changed me sooo much! Im on a good way, I know it..
And its getting better every day..and I realize that here are some people I can really have fun with! Some people I can trust..some people who care..and thats good to know when the best friend is over the sea ;)
And still I love her and I know shes the best friend i can have..no distance can keep us apart and nothing could seperate our hearts...now that I got that, and understand it. not just in my head but also in my heart, its alright!! Im lookin foreward to our time in manchester, it will be amazing!!

amazing God

2009-02-21T18:10:00.004Z

Im absolutely amazed by God!!
Every and every day again I experience his great love for me, and every day again I have to make the decision if I trust in God and give it all to him or if I run my earthly life, trying to be good and successful - but in the end fail with it!
And the more often I decide to trust in him the more good things are happening.
Yesterday a good friend of mine told me something really encouraging! He´s been away for 5 months and he said "Im coming back and I see that you are the one that was growing the most. Look at you, you changed so much!!"
Wow, thats something that was soo good to hear!!
And I also see that God changed me a lot! He changed me in a positive way..and of course Im not perfect, I still got my faults and I still have days where Im not really sure if everything is alright..but Im on the way..yeah I feel that Im goin on and on, I step into Gods adventure for me and Im so excited what is to come!
I see his love and its so so SOOO big!!! I cant describe with words how happy his love makes me, but maybe I can describe it like that: I dont need a man who loves me at the moment, because I feel and know that theres a GOD who loves me even more than anyone could.
That doesnt mean that I dont want a partner someday, but I know that God has the right time for everything...And I know that God is the best lover I can have. The best daddy, the best saviour, the best friend, the best provider and the best encourager!!
Wow, can I have more of you Jesus?? please!!

preachin!!!

2009-02-15T22:13:00.003Z

hallelujah!! I had such a cool weekend, and today was totally awesome!!
On Saturday I was soo glad to know that I got 2 days off from everything and everyone!!
So I took some time for me and god in the morning, went to horseback riding in the afternoon and met a friend and skyped with kaddi and went to the hot springs with my mum...I enjoyed it so much, except the fact that I fell on my elbow and my back because the floor was wet and slippery..that wasnt much fun because it hurt and it still does^^ but who cares..thats so typical for me..!!
so today I went to see chrissie and kerstin and we had such a cool day...we had breakfast at her church, afterwards we went for a walk with the dog and then we baked some "schneckennudeln". And THEN we went to young move in reichenbach...and I preached the first time in my life..
one hour before it started I was so excited, but then I listened to "I have found" by kim walker and some people prayed for me and that was soooo good..so before I had to preach I wasnt excited anymore and I had an awesome worship time..and then I had to preach and at the beginning it felt kind of weird...but ater a while I had sooo much fun!! It was sooo cool and felt so good because it really felt like God was using me!! Wow!!
so Im absolutely amazed and I coud go on preaching immediately, its so cool to tell people about God...I had such a cool time!! Thank Jesus, hes amazing, wonderful, glorious and the only real majesty!!

I have found a peace that plows through every storm
I have found a joy that jumps over sadness
I have found a love that lights up every room
I have found...I found You

You are all i want, You are all i need
Everything my heart could hope for
We are longing for the glory of the Lord
Cause we know there's so much more

I have found a trust that teaches how to rest
I have found a grace that guides me by the hand
I have found a strength that stands like a mountain
I have found...I found You

You are all i want, You are all i need
Everything my heart could hope for
We are longing for the glory of the Lord
Cause we know there's so much more
(Kim Walker - I have found)

circumstances

2009-02-11T18:23:00.002Z

one more time in my life I realize that I fix too much on circumstances, people and the things Im used to..
And one more time in my life I realize that I cant fix my eyes upon this stuff becos it doesnt keep me safe..it doesnt stay the same most of the time..and its not what gives me security.
I realize that there are many problems in this world and that loads of things are happening that are not good..that are not easy to handle with..and that lots of people come to me with their problems..because I offer them that Im there for them..
And I like being there for them..as long as I have someone I can talk to about all the stuff...as long as there is someone who shares all those hard things with me..
And I know that there is God, and thats good! Im so thankful..butI also need someone around me who talks with me about it..who just listens to me when I tell of all the stuff people tell me...
Somehow Im jut not content with everything at the moment..I mean, there are awesome moments in my life, the best times are when Im around people, when we´re doing worship, when we pray or when we just talk..
but somehow somethings missing..somehow Im still alone..somehow some things are not alright..but I dont know what it is..I have to figure out whats wrong..

lazyness..

2009-02-04T21:58:00.003Z

somehow Im really too lazy to write something these days..
oh yes Im soooo lazy, I dont even know why..
however...my internship began and actually its pretty cool, but I cant say much until now, so Im just excited how it will be in the future!
Unfortunetely I do not find that much time for God and me at the moment..and I dont like that.
Because I need time with my God, otherwise I become weak and weary.
You know that when you do so many things for gods kingdom that you do not find time to live relationship with him? thats mad!
But Im realising more and more how important personal relationships are for me..
thas so good.
Im thinkin a lot about my future at the moment..about england..somehow Im a bit scared about it, maybe thats the reason why I just dont finish my application..and I hate the fact that I dont have a job to earn some money..I still have to pay back some money to my dad for my driving licence...and he wont stop telling me this until he has that flippin money..and how should I give it to him without a job? FLIP!
whatever..Gods my provider, I still believe this..and Im sure he will do something!

hearing gods voice

2009-01-20T13:38:00.003Z

maybe I should update this blog here..
I didnt wrote something for a long time..
The last week was pretty interesting for me..I did some steps foreward in hearing gods voice..
Especially when it was about ungodly believes and soaking God talked a lot to me.
I got many pictures and he told me some stuff about our relationship and also about the relationship to my parents. To be honest this is the hardest part of it all..
I really have to learn to just love them, no matter what.
I have to learn to forgive them and not to bear a grudge..because they are my parents and Im trying to think about the fact that they do all those things because they love me and they want me to be save.
There was also something hard I realized about all this stuff: I will never be able to wrap them into my arms because I forgave them and they forgave me..because they dont even really know what forgiveness means because they dont accept the forgiveness from Jesus.
They dont know how much forgiveness means to me and also they dont know how hard it is for me to forgive (them).
But God also told me that he is working inside of them..And I really wanna believe him..I wanna pray for them.
I know that God is working inside of me too..I feel it and its not always easy..
Its also not easy because the only person I can really talk about it all without feeling misunderstood is in england.
But I know that she is even there for me when shes in England! And thats so good.
But I nevertheless miss her..
Im excited what happens in the next few weeks of my week..lets see..

blubb

2009-01-11T22:40:00.002Z

so just some updates of my life..
kaddi left on friday and it felt like I could never stop cryin again..people I tell u Ill never bring anyone to an airport again..thats so horrible to see that someone leaving and youre just like "nooooo dont go!!"
whatever..now Im kinda alone here, I stil got some friends but noone compares to her.
some old friends arent interested at all to stay in contact so atm its a time full of goodbies which Im not very happy about.
Im so happy that the ppl from toronto are here..I spend loads of time with them and Im so happy about it. Theyre so openhearted, so friendly and so loving, and even if theyre only here since about a week with some of them its like we knew eac other for a longer time..
its great fun making music with them, dance with them or just hang around and talk.
next weekend its gonna be the soaking weekend and I will be there...Im glad about it. Glad about bein away from home for 2 days..
just have some hard times with my parents becos I quit school..its annoying becos actually I just want some freetime now, without thinkin that much about the upcoming time, becos I have enough time to think about that all when I start my internship in february..
I just wanna be free for at least a few weeks becos I reli need some time for myself now without always worrying about anything..its so exhausting...!!
lifes okay somehow..I miss kaddi but i know its best for her to be in manchester...
so goodnite guys...

my wonderful saviour

2009-01-06T20:10:00.003Z

so here I am..back home..and somehow Im glad..but on the other hand its a pity..
I reli dont miss the kitchen..I dont miss stinkin the whole day becos everything thats near the kitchen is stinkin...I also dont miss it to miss some great stuff becos Im standing in the kitchen..
Really..Ill never ever go into the kitchen again..cutting vegetables, washing the dishes, put away plates, glasses and shit like that..really..thats not my kind of work, thats what I figured out..
we had hard times sometimes..we didnt sleep much..we went to bed very late (or better said early) and got up at 7 am..we were standin in the kitchen when all the others had fun in the café, at seminars or somewhere alse, and we also missed a part of a very good worship time with the people from toronto...today we didnt even know if we could go to the last service becos we needed to clean the kitchen...
I guess God REALLY wanted to show me how precious these times are..where I can stand and worship him, where I can listen to good sermons, where I can just have some time for myself and him, some time to come down..and I guess he also wanted to show me that its sometimes very hard to have a serving heart...but that there are situations in life where its hard to give him honour but you nevertheless should do it ALL THE TIME in your life..
Yesterday evenin I had a very good worship time..all the evenings it was about bein real...before yourself, before other people and before God...
Sometimes Im reli stupid..I think I could show God how great he is and how much I worship him and stuff...and its not like I wouldnt mean that.
But sometimes its just not how I wish it would be...and so God told me yesterday that I should just lay down and enjoy the time with him..and thats what I did..and it was so good..becos before that worship time Ive been so dissatisfied with my relationship to him, with myself and with everything..and afterwards Ive been so calm..yeah..and happy!
so I reli figured out that God is good in every way..how wonderful our god is..Im reli thankful!! who would I be without him?? NOBODY!!

why am I not allowed to...

2009-01-01T19:12:00.002Z

so here we are in the year 2009..
actually its still unbelievable for me that the year 2008 is already over becos sometimes it seems as if time was runnin..
I clearly remember summer 2008 and i cant believe 6 months passed since Ive been at zeltstadt and stuff...
but whatever I think or however it feels, its over and something new is coming now.
And Im reli lookin foreward to everything that will happen this year. Im sure there will be lots of challenges and changes.
Somehow Im a bit scared about that but actually most of all Im excited becos goin through changes means growing in identity.
I know that God planned this whole year to be a year full of changes for me..the first change will come soon..kaddi will leave..and to be honest: I never had to dispense without her for such a long time. Im sure it will be hard..I cant just call her when i feel like it, I cant visit her whenever I want, she cant come around to share 2 hours together..yeah Ill pretty much miss her..but I know that this friendship was built in heaven and so Im sure that it will last..no matter what happens, were gonna stay together..Im gonna visit her, probably sometime in april..
and Im sure were gonna hev a great time then and maybe will visit some friends too..
another challenge will be the internship Im gonna do..its something completely new for me..and that I wont ever go to school again is a strange feeling..it will be my first year without school!
when everything turns out right Im gonna leave this country in 8 months to stay in england for 10 months. Without a doubt thats the biggest challenge..never been away from homw for such a long time..but..I know its what God wants me to do and so Im gonna do it and Im reli lookin foreward to it. Sometimes I wish I could leave immediately.
Im sure that God will do something in our prayer group..becos I know that we are ready to go for whatever he has for us and there could be crazy things goin on!!
I wanna learn to trust God more and more..I wanna give my life fully into his hands and I reli wanna give my WHOLE LIFE to serve him and other people..Im not quite sure how this will look like and I dont know what Im gonna do or what will be my way..but it feels like God would want to show it to me within this year 2009.
So I can be excited!! And I am..
well..actually almost everythings perfect right now..Im gonna go to the nordalb tomorrow to the new years camp and Im sure well have a good time..Kaddi and me are in the kitchen..it will be funny I guess ;)
so..actually almost everythings perfect...theres only ONE thing....

Your beauty pricks directly into my heart
your kind of being impresses me so deeply
your eyes dispossess me of my mind
youre so confused somtimes, it makes me laugh
everything you do makes me love you more and more

~~why am I not allowed to have you?~~

I praise you in this storm

2008-12-29T22:32:00.002Z

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
(Casting crowns - praise you in this storm)

sometimes its not that easy to lift eyes and hands up to jesus to praise him becos sometimes things r just not goin like i wuld want them to..
Im sad these days.
becos I hate it to say goodbye to people that are important to me..
and I hate not to know what will happen...
and I hate to wait..
well actually its not that Im full of hate atm...just full of sadness.
cos everybodys leavin but me..I will stay here..pretend its good. let u think Im alrite.
and Im gonna go foreward and Im gonna praise the lord becos he is still good!
"all of my life, in every season, you are still god, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"
God always stays the same and yes, sometimes he gives and sometimes he takes away...and sometimes its painful when he takes away..but he does not take away without a reason..he just takes away what destroys us and what isnt good for us..it hurts, but in the end it will be alrite!
no matter what comes I reli wanna try to fix my eyes upon jesus and to give him praie, every day, every hour, every minute of my life. Give praise, be joyful and thankful all the time becos God gave me so much..he gave me this life to live it just for him.
oh praise him!!

friendship..

2008-12-28T08:44:00.002Z

where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness...

how do the people say?
friends are comin and friends are goin..of course there are some "friends" you lose in your life and its not the first time its happenin to me..
but..its someone I never thought this friendship will end..we knew each other for years, we actually were friends my whole life..
and now she has to concentrate on herself and only wants to have the memories?? gosh how stupid is this???
cant believe it..

actually Im starting to ask myself how the next 5 months will be..
kaddi will leave and actually I dont know anyone here with whom I could do all those things we did the last year..
seems like all my friends are fadin away somehow..the one does not want to know me anymore, the second only sees her boyfriend and has no time for me anyway..
of course there are people I love and who care about me but its just not the same..
with whom should I make music?? it perfectly fits to play music with kaddi..with whom should I drive to Tamm? to the Jesus Treff in Stuttgart? to Goeppingen? with whom should I do stupid fun photoshootings? with whom should I laugh??
with whom should I talk for hours, who would listen to me when I talk about one topic every and every day again? with whom should I dream? with whom should I go to the streets to make music? or with whom sould I go to the streets to pray for people? who will watch walt disney films with me? who would drive to the Ikea with me spontaneously?
whos there to take me in his arms when Im sad?
noone could but her!!
Im gonna miss you...but nevertheless Im sure u r gonna have a good time over there and maybe Im gonna have a good time too..I know its the right way for u to go and I know it wont be that long becos ur only 5 months away and Im gonna visit you..
I know its all not that bad but nevertheless sometimes its hard to think about...

how life goes..

2008-12-21T11:58:00.002Z

lots of stuff is goin on in my life rite now..
some things are good, others are not that good..
good things are that Im gonna do the worship in DOMINO with Kaddi today..and Im sure both of us will enjoy it just to give praise to the lord. Becos we learned that its not about how it sounds or that it sounds perfectly, but about our hearts. and I think we both know how to do that.
Before DOMINO we will go into town today to make some street music.
Worship God on the streets of kirchheim.
Its something different, but we wanna do what god told us what we should do last week.
And I think its gonna be good.
Yesterday we organized a breakfast for the people from the streets. it was a good experience to talk to them and stuff, and now Im very excited about christmas eve becos Im gonna go to esslingen to give food to the homeless ppl and Im lookin foreward to this.
At new years eve we r gonna be at the worship night in dettingen and we will play there.
Im reli lookin foreward to this becos I cant imagine anything that would be better than starting the new year with giving praise to the lord.
Im excited what comes in the new year, we will be at the "Neujahrsfreizeit" on the Nordalb and I expect a lot from god.
so lets just see what comes..

the one thing that isnt that awesome is for example that I had my very last day in school at friday..it was a bit strange becos I had to say goodbye to all my classmates..and I realized that some of them got reli important for me..somehow I love them and its hard to know that it will never be like it was before..
At the one hand Im sooo glad that its over and on the other hand I could cry..I dont reli know what comes next..Im gonna do an internship in the church in dettingen, but I still need a place where I can work to earn some money for england..
and there r also a few things that make me sad but I dont wanna write that down here..
thats how life goes..it cant always be just good!
And through all those struggles I still know that God is with me and that he has a plan..hes in control. I trust him.

Ewigkeit!!

2008-12-15T19:20:00.002Z

Ich will Ewigkeit in meinem Herzen spuern, Ewigkeit!
Ich will Ewigkeit in meinem Innern spuern, Ewigkeit in dir!

Ueberschreite die Grenzen meines kleinen Verstandes,
ich will nah bei dir bleiben, reiche dir jetzt meine hand.
Komm und zieh mich aus dem was mich gefangen haelt,
komm und loese mir die Ketten einer todgeweihten Welt.
Ich will in der Wahrheit leben, will das lieben was du gibst,
will ewigkeit!!

thats the song thats running through my mind all day..its so awesome. Its reli what I want God to do. I reli wanna live in the truth and I want God to make me free of all those things that enchain me.

Today was a strange day..at the one hand it was horrible, becos I sat in school and needed to write a business test...I didnt know anything. Before the test I just thought about runnin away and tryin one last time to learn as much as I can just to get those fckn 5 points..but I already made my decision to leave this school, and so I sat there, waitin till my teacher came with this test and it was such a horrible feeling..never ever wanna do something like that again..
after half an hour there was nothing left that I could write down becos I just didnt know anything..so I gave up and left school...actually forever becos friday will be my last day in this school forever!! somehow it hurts just to know that u didnt won that fight but..I know that God has bigger plans for me and Im sure my lifes gonna be alright!! and Im glad to finally leave this place becos I RELI RELI HATE it!!
at the other hand the day was wonderful becos I went for a walk at the sunset and the sky looked so beautiful and I thought about what Tobi said yesterday when he preached...that the sky at the sunset changes every minute and that this is just like our relationship to God is...
and I walked there and I was so amazed becos the picture I saw was breathtaking!!
everything around me was white...snow all around me..and then the sky was full of red, orange, yellow and rose but also grey and dark blue..and the grey clouds just passed by and I just stopped, stood there stunning with eyes wide open and was like "oh my god you are such a wonderful creator!!!" and when I stood there i listened to a song of samuel harfst which says "Ist es nicht wunderbar an diesem Tag zu sein? Es ist ein Privileg, erachte es nicht als klein.....denn der Herr tut heute noch Wunder, Stunde um Stunde, Tag fuer Tag..."
And I just felt like I would experience a miracle at this moment becos I was allowed to see this beautiful sky..I never felt like this before..and I had such a good prayer time and felt so good afterwards..God is such a peace giver, but he also gives strength!! WOOOW!!
And this song also reminds me evrytime I listen to it that it is such a big gift to be in this world and to be alive!!
And it reli makes me happy that God is my father and that theres nothing that could seperate me from his love. its so good to be his beloved child and I just cant tell how I feel at the moment...Im so amazed and I LOVE my GOD!!

Gods so GOOD!

2008-12-14T22:14:00.003Z

its so funny..:D
I almost got crazy before we got on stage yesterday...but it was so good. it was better than I thought it would be. we reli had fun and there were no real bad faults or something.
its so funny how often we are sooo excited about something that isnt that bad at all.
I think Im on a good way to to learn and to understand that God has everything in his hands.
hes in control, thats the most important thing. becos when he is I dont have to be.
The evenin yesterday was so good.
The shows of Flo Ostertag, Stubi live band, Ceil and especially of Samuel harfst were so amazing. I just love listening to awesome music.

And today weve been to tamm to the prayer day of soul devotion.
and it also was pretty good becos we had a good prayer time and a good worship time and a good walk through beautiful little Tamm ;)
Afterwards we went to the 3D and I loved what Tobi said in his sermon..it reminded me again of the fact that God is such a peace giver. that I can get calm near him and that the relationship to him is so exciting.
when Kaddi and me were prayin we got a new vision.
Im so excited about this and it made me so happy that we both had the same stuff God told us.
on tuesday we will go to stuttgart to make some music on the streets.
lets see what happens. its something completely new for us..and Im excited what Gods gonna do there.
Im so happy because God is a good God. Hes beautiful. Hes graceful. Hes almighty. Hes in control. He is GOD. and Im his beloved child.
isnt that a reason just to be happy??

aaah!!

2008-12-13T09:23:00.002Z

this is so damn crazy..
Kaddi and me r reli playin at the christmasrock tonite..
and the more I think about the more I get a reeeeli bad feeling about it..
not becos I think we r not good enough..but becos there will be many ppl and I will be soooooo excited, who knows what Im gonna do wrong when Im excited??
huuuuh I dont wanna think about that..
I was lying awake the half night and Im not even tired.
Im tryin to do as many other things as possible to do everything but not think about this evenin..
I even watered the flowers, thats something I didnt do for 3 years^^
I see, I get crazy!! :D

actually I believe that god will make it alright..why shouldnt he? we are his children and he loves us. We just need to pray..and thats what Im gonna do..

mit jedem deiner fehler

2008-12-11T21:51:00.003Z

Ich will nicht bei dir klingeln und ich tu es doch
ich will nicht an dich denken und ich tu es immernoch
ich will nicht von dir reden, vom singen ganz zu schweigen
ich schaem mich fast dass du dich immernoch in meine lieder schleichst

ich hab versucht mir einzureden dass du ja eigentlich gar nicht so schoen bist,
dass du bescheuert bist und nichts verstehst,
dass wir nicht fuereinander bestimmt sind
mit jedem deiner fehler,
mit jedem deiner fehler,
mit jedem deiner fehler lieb ich dich mehr!
(philipp poisel)

Weißt du was du mir bedeutest?
Auf einem Platz in meinem Herz
steht dein Name an der Wand
und ich will, dass du es erfährst
Ich werde immer an dich glauben,
egal was auch passiert
Manche singen von Liebe
Ich sang die ganze Zeit von dir
(Tomte)

yeah, its u I sang about all the time..only you..
whatever that means

und jetzt???

regrets

2008-12-09T12:15:00.004Z

I think way too much these days..
I think about the past and about my regrets..about things Ive done that I better shuldnt have done. I think about the things Ive done that changed my life radically.
about the things that destroyed me and about the things that hurt me.
In the past 3 years my life changed a lot.
I even cant reli remember a lot of things in my life that happened before..
I changed a lot through this time. I did some things right and they were good. Ive been growing in these years and I reached some things I never even dreamed about.
I got to know wonderful people in these years and Im sure that a few of them God gave me becos he found it right for me to have them by my side.
But in those years I also did lots of things I wish I would never have done.
I said words I wish I never said, I made decisions which I wish I would have never made. I gave my trust and a part of me to people and I regret it. Sometimes I wish I wouldnt have been so open for some things and less curious about the stuff the world offers.
It hurts sometimes to realize that things happened in your life that arent okay..
and you cant blandish those things becos u just KNOW it wasnt good.
I have to live with these regrets, I can ask God for forgiveness and when he says Im forgiven I am. But I have to learn to forgive myself and thats the hardest part about it.
and yeah..sometimes I hate you and me for all the things we did..:(
I know Im allowed to be sad sometimes and I know its good to be becos it helps me to work through all this stuff..it hurts sometimes to admit to yourself that u did so many things wrong..I goin through this now..

If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn’t change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank god
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine

The summers gone, the years have passed,
My friends have changed, a few did last,
The smallest dreams got pushed aside,
The largest ones that changed my life,
And all I wish for was come to pass
From rock and roll, to love and cash
It’s all success if it’s what you need
Do what you like and do it honestly

If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn’t change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank god
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine

I wish I could say that I wuldnt change a thing..but I would..
I dont know if my life would have been better in some parts if I would have behaved different, but I would change some things if I could..

yeah maybe I made the DECISION to love YOU a few years ago..
and its just like I said..u cant turn your back on decisions..so what now?
was this decision forever?

your beautiful eyes

2008-12-08T21:22:00.002Z

how ironic it is..
Im talkin about ur eyes all the time and now I find this song:

your beautiful eyes stare right into mine
and sometimes i think of you late at night
i don't know why
i wanna be somewhere where you are
i wanna be where...

your here, your eyes are lookin into mine
so baby, make me fly
my heart has never felt this way before
i'm lookin through your
i'm lookin through your eyes..

i wake up, i'm alive
in only a little while, i'll cry
cause your my lullaby
so baby, come hold me tight
cause i, i wanna be everything you need
i wanna be where...

your here, your eyes are lookin into mine
so baby, make me fly
my heart has never felt this way before
i'm lookin through your
i'm lookin through your eyes..

just as long as your mine
i'll be your everything tonight
let me love you, kiss you
baby, let me miss you
let me see your...
dream about, dream about your eyes
eyes, eyes, beautiful eyes...

its enough to think about ur eyes to make me feel like I wuld sit in a rollercoaster..
I suddenly cant eat even one more piece of chocolate..
I know I gave it all to God and I trust in him..I know hes gonna make it alright somehow..I just dont know what I culd do to make it a bit less ridiculous..
u must think Im so stupid...and actually u even r right with that...
but what shuld I do? Cant do anything against my feelings...so please dont say Im stupid..

growin..

2008-12-05T23:02:00.002Z

the more I think about what to do the more I confused I become..
Actually at the moment I think it would be best to do nothing, but becos I know I couldnt live with it I best wanna send this stupid shit I wrote per mail so it would be done and I wouldnt have to care about if I should do it or not any longer...it would be the easiest way..but for sure not the best..

today was a bad day...when I woke up this mornin my only wish was to stay in bed and sleep for another 5 hours..
I wasnt motivated becos I knew I would have school and afterwards I would have to clean the parish hall and I would come home at 3.30pm..so my half friday was full of things I didnt like to do..
the first good thing today was when I started to watch the king of narnia dvd..it saved my day..and it was also very nice to meet some cool people in dettingen at the release party of the konficamp CD..its always good to meet great people...but all in all it just wasnt my day..
and everytime when there are those days it feels like I would take at least 2 steps back..

I know I really grew in my identity in the last year..
I did steps foreward, for example I went to people and said something to them just becos God said I should do it, and I did it becos I wanted to be obedient..and in the end I always figured out it was good that I brought myself to do things I actually wouldnt have done if God wouldnt have told me..becos the reaction of those people has always been positive and I grew a lot through conversations, steps I took and all that stuff..
but Im still growing..and sometimes it can be very painful to grow...

fix my eyes upon him

2008-12-02T21:59:00.002Z

I reli still feel like I would soar up on the winds of love to my heavenly father..
this mornin when I drove to school I had such a good time..
everyone around me was totally goin crazy becos of a stupid test we wrote..
I didnt kno anything about the stuff we needed to learn but its a reli unimportant subject so who cares? so I sat in the car, listened to some music and just felt like I would fly in another atmosphere, knowin god was sooo there!!
that was so amazing..I was almost pissed off when I needed to get off the car to go into school to write that test..;)
At the moment it reli feels good..almost everything feels like its just okay becos I go with him, IN him.
When I just fix my eyes upon Jesus it gets easier to go every single step..becos I know hes in control..
still theres one thing where I dont know what to do..but I know that God will show me..I trust in him...and I reli wanna fix my eyes more and more on jesus..because he gives me everlasting life! HE and NOONE else!!
Im thinkin about doing an internship in a church near my town...it could be reli interesting, and if God wants me to do that Im gonna do it...Im ready to go for whatever he has for me..
becos I know he only got the best for me..and Im so glad about it..

I wanna go on soar with him on high with the winds of love...what could be better???

soar like an eagle..

2008-12-01T20:42:00.002Z

Im reli amazed of how God is using me when I dont even realize it!!
today a girl told me that she gets inspired everytime she hears something of me or when we have SBK..
thats so cool to know becos I wouldnt think that ppl think in that way of me..
and the funny thing is that I reli esteem her because shes such a nice and such a lovely girl with so much love for the world around her.
I reli like her and I hope God tells me some more stuff about her so that I can encourage her!

another great thing about today is that I realized how big my fathers love must be for me..
and that he reli wants to make me free.
a few weeks ago someone gave me a picture of an eagle that is breakin the chains..hes cryin but hes flying away..that means he gets free and hes flying..
that was a prophetc picture for me, and I love it. It encourages me everytime I look at it and I believe that God will make me free from all the wrong thoughts and all the lies that are in my heart. he will make me free from the pain I experienced becos ppl treated me wrong.
he will make my soul free from sorrows and doubts.
and today someone sent me a CD they just recorded..and theres one song where God just showed me one sentence..it says "oh father, father look, my wings they fly...on the winds of love to soar with you on high."
it feels like that would be an addition to the picture.
I just had such a good resting time in gods arms backwards..it was sooo good that I almost fell asleep...Its unbelievable becos I reli didnt sleep that good the last time..but when I wake up again I felt reli fit and reli good. Just like God put some strength into my heart again so that I can go on tomorrow and the rest of the week.
Everythings pretty exhausting at the moment and I dont feel good about goin to school becos I know it will be over soon and Im pretty scared about what comes afterwards..but I know that God has a plan that is bigger than my sorrow..and I think I know what Ive got to do..its just a bit hard becos I know its not reli what my parents want me to do but..its my way, not theirs! thats something they need to learn and something I have to live with!
God is with me, he makes me strong. And Im gonna soar like an eagle..with his love under my waings..he will carry me!

WE ARE CHOSEN!!

2008-11-27T21:44:00.004Z

what a day!!
seems like this day was reli useful!!
Ive been to a walk with my mother this afternoon, thought this fresh air could help me to get a bit fitter becos actually Im ill atm and I do not feel healthy at all..
AND this walk was pretty good becos I had a real good conversation with my mum and i hope I could tell her a few things that are very important for me..!
in the evening I had "band practice" with kaddi..we had lots of fun, and one more time I had this wonderful feelings that it just fits perfectly when we are making music together.
Of course I dont sing every tone perfectly but thats not what its about..its about the hearts and I know that our hearts r reli similar!!
When I was younger I always wished to have a fried with whom I could make music, just to have some fun together..and thats just what I found. The best girl I know!!
Afterwards we went to our prayer-meeting.
and it was soo good!!
we had a worship and prayer time and I just reli felt that God was in the room.
I felt he was listening and enjoying our singing. he listened to our prayers and was happy about our desire to see more of him in our town and everywhere around.
Unfortunetely I had to leave the group earlier than I wanted but I reli had to go home becos actually Im ill ;)
But - and that was something I reli realized today - God RELI took everyone of us and gave him a place in our group.
Its not a fortune that we build a group, its God-wanted.
Everytime we meet I just feel that God is there and that hes happy about us..I feel hes proud of us. Its so wonderful to realize more and more that I am, that we all are daughters and sons of this almighty, beautiful, graceful GOD.
We are princes and princesses, and we are princes and princesses for a reason! Because HE CHOSE US!! he chose everyone of us to be his child!
Im readin a book about becoming that princess..about living the life as a child of a King.
Its not that easy to see urself as a princess..BUT its important.
there were two sentences I reli loved in this book:

"Es ist an der Zeit, dass wir lernen, uns so zu lieben, wie Gott uns liebt, und uns selbst mit den Augen unseres Vaters zu sehen."

"Ich kann es mir nicht leisten, anders ueber mein Leben zu denken, als Gott denkt"

there is so much truth in those words.
why do I always see my life and think its not that important as others are??
IT IS!! because GOD gave me this life, and I am calles to LIVE!!
And I am loved. Loved by this wonderful loving God, there is NO GREATER LOVE!!
I should reli start to see that I am loved and believe it..and start to love myself..not in a way of arrogance, but in a way of a healthy portion of self-confidence.
Because we have the same spirit in us withwhich jesus conquered the death.
We have the challenge to do miracles in the name of God, things that are GREATER than the things Jesus did.
HE gave us the mission to do that!
WE ARE CHOSEN brothers and sister, so lets GO and heal the sick and raise the dead ones!!

do you know me at all??

2008-11-26T18:57:00.002Z

do u know me? or do u even want to know me at all??

U see that girl whos going for whatever God has for her..
..but do u also see her strugglin to find her way in this big big world??
U see that girl whos going to the streets to tell the people that Jesus is alive and to pray for them..
..but do u also see that she has to make the decision to do something like this every day again??
U see that girl whos talkin about going to england for 10 months..
..but do u also see how much shes afraid of being somewhere far away alone??
U also see that girl whos talkin about that she wants a job to help people who are hopeless and who have nothing...
..but do u also see her how shes trying to find a job that fits and dealing with the frustration about the fact that she couldnt find one or that shes not good enough??
U see that girl whos laughing on photos because shes happy to have great people around her..
..but do u also see her sitting alone in her room, trying to make it through the day??
U see how strong she is and how good her life is..
..but do u also see the pain inside of her of all the things of the past?
maybe u see her waiting for the man who fits to her..
..but do u also see how she feels when shes standing next to you, not knowing what to say???

yeah maybe that girl even looks beautiful on the outside, she has a pretty face and a nice body...
...but do u see what her heart wants to say??
...do u see her soul??
...would u accept her with all her weakness and with the faults she has??
...would u understand when she cant find herself beautiful??
...would you support her on one of those days where she finds she is not good enough??
...would you love her just as shes trying to love you??

Im not sure if theres anyone out there who could...maybe you could be the one..
yeah maybe you could do and see all those things..because you would maybe want to...
maybe you???

failing

2008-11-26T15:18:00.002Z

sometimes this life is reli hard..
I dont know where this way leads me..
I failed in school and I failed in so many areas in my life before..
always come back to the point that Im a loser..I know I shouldnt think like that and I actually dont want to..but the thoughts are just comin..
I dont know what kind of apprenticeship I should do when i come back from england..I dont know what to do in the time from decembre till august..
I dont know how I should live alone in england..
I dont know anything at all
and I also dont know how to be honest and how to let u know what I feel
I know that sometimes honesty is the only way to get clearness..but Im afraid of honesty..
Honesty could mean I get hurt deeply..it could mean I feel mader than before..
it could mean that i have to lock my room for 2 weeks so that noone can bother me becos I couldnt bear it..
please dont hurt me..please please dont hurt me...

honesty

2008-11-25T16:52:00.003Z

just figured out that being honest is what I have to do..
I just dont know how and when and Im scared about it becos I could get hurt..
dont like thoughts like that..
But if I dont say anything Im gonna go crazy..
so the only thing I can do is praying...however this will end, Im sure that God is with me..

In my dream...

2008-11-22T20:46:00.002Z

In my dream we were in love,
in reality it seems like it would only be me who is...

couldnt we both just fall asleep so that I can show u what Im dreamin of?

you and you and you..

2008-11-22T20:01:00.002Z

I walked away and never said that I wanted to see u again

maybe thats the freakin problem..Im too shy to tell u that I would want to see u again..before u leave..and that Id love to spent as much time as possible with u..
and if I would be an asshole Id wish and pray that they dont take u (away from me)...
but Im not and so I pray that u can just go..

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before you go

actually nothing at all will change becos its not like I would see u that often..so who cares?
I do! I pray that God just opens your eyes, so that u can see me and that u can see who I am.
I pray that u see what I want from u..

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste 
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase 
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste 
I want you and your beautiful soul

but unfortunetely I waste one minute after another becos theres nothing I could do but foolish stuff and I dont always wanna be foolish..
If I would know that its worth it I wont care and I would be foolish..but I dont know if its worth it and I rather think its not..so I waste minute after minute, watchin, waiting, hoping, praying..

Im sorry that I like u more than I probably should!!

in your arms..

2008-11-20T17:32:00.002Z

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

aaaah..Im goin crazy someday..
should I sit watch and wait until I get old and grey?? how stupid is this...
but being honest is way too hard...becos that much more stupid...just ask myself what I should do..
I shuld concentrate on learning now but theres no way..my thoughts are just spinning..
and my time is running too..how stupid is this...its all so stupid!!

I'll keep going on
As just another one
With another song
Who wants to be the only one for you

Just another guy
Blinded by your smile
Just a lonely heart
Can't stand this aching feeling we're apart, apart

Let me sleep in your arms
Let me breathe this clean bright light surrounding you

I will not pretend
That I'm just a friend
My deliverance
Will you think about me every now and then
When I call again

Let me sleep in your arms
Let me breathe this clean bright lights surrounding you
Let me dream in your arms
Let me breathe this clean bright lights surrounding you

In your arms just in your arms

thats just how I feel..just another one whos blinded by your smile..Im sure that there are thousands of others who are more beautiful, more smart, more kind, have more self-confidence and stuff...
but theres one thing I could do: I could love u..more than everyone of them could..
I would take the stars from the sky just to give them to u..
I would write a song for you, or maybe even a thousand..
I just miss you...cant u see that??

wonderin what happened??

2008-11-18T16:12:00.004Z

I feel my heartbeat...and its louder than before..
my stomach is full...eventhough I didnt eat anything
Im awake and totally crazy...but I almost had no sleep
Im thinkin all the time...but there is no thought I finish
Im tryin to go on...but I wanna turn back time
I close my eyes..but theres nothing but u!

I shouldnt ~~love~~ fall for you but I want to..

..Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it

-something changed-

enjoying life

2008-11-17T17:27:00.002Z

so many things are happenin atm, I dont even have time to write it down here..
on friday I had a good evening for myself, just a bit chill-out time and hangin around doing nothing...that was good after all this stress..
on saturday Ive been to Goeppingen to listen to sandro baggio, a guy from sao paolo who told something about his church and about the stuff God did there..it was motivating to hear those storys..afterwards Ive been to a birthday which was great fun.
On sunday we had band practice and we had so much fun!!
those guys r reli great and they dont care about when I do not do all the stuff perfectly..
I just love the hours we spend there becos we have a greeat time.
In the evening Kaddi and I drove to Tamm, and I reeeli enjoyed the service there...
They talked about Jesus christ who died for everyone of us, which is a topic I already know of course, but I still think that u cant hear enough about it becos its such a great love and such a grace God offered us through this..
and after the service we talked to some uys we do not see that often and it was just a good time!! I reli enjoyed being there and I love to go to different places and hear different stuff about god so I couldnt imagine any place that wuld have been better for me yesterday!!
Im so thankful for this weekend and I think those are the times Ill love to remember when I look back in a few years!

but this night was pretty strange..
first of all I went to bed pretty late becos I arrived at home at abou 11.45 pm.
and through the night I woke up at least 3 times or something...and one time I woke up and didnt know where I am..reli scary!!
nevertheless lifes great atm...I enjoy it becos I know God has everything in his hands...even if its hard to wait sometimes...

its possible!!!

2008-11-13T21:50:00.002Z

"Its possible!"
THIS SENTENCE MADE MY DAY!!!
okay my day was awesome anyway becos I went shopping in stuttgart with Kaddi and I finally found some stuff I needed.
afterwards weve been to a prophetic evening in kirchheim and we practiced this prophetic stuff a bit...and that was pretty cool...I never practised it that way...but it was a reli good experience.
afterwards two ppl prayed for me and they said some reli great things.
They said that I will have to get a peace into my heart and that this peace will come and with this peace will come calmness..and through this calmness God will show me my way.
They said God already talked to me but through all the stuff around me I culdnt hear and see clearly what HE told and what the world is telling. But with the peace and the calmness all the things the world is telling are slowly fading away and the things God is telling me will become more clear. And Im reli sure that this is right!!!
and they asked if I stood with a question before God...they culdnt know that, I didnt say anything about that..but the answer is "its possible!"
I have to figure it out but.....thats crazy and awesome stuff people!!!

there is NO greater love

2008-11-12T21:11:00.002Z

THATS just the way jesus is!!
my day today was pretty boring till the evening...becos then I went to kirchheim to our "more of god-meeting"..and when i sat in the bus I felt such a joy comin up, I dont even know why, i guess its reli because my heart is full of joy becos Jesus is in my heart.
The meeting was reli cool, I felt God in the room, we prayed for kirchheim, for the people, for ourselves, for more of God in our lives and everywhere. And I just had a picture of a big wave coming over a town (i guess it was kirchheim) and of some kind of fog that just covered the whole city. And Im sure that the holy spirit was meant with the fog and the wave.
And it was just like God reli wanted to tell me that his holy spirit will come and fill up and cover our whole city! but that he would come when the time is right.
I dont know when it will happen but Im so EXCITED about that. I RELI am!!
after the meeting I just didnt felt like goin home now and learnin some spanish stuff (I actually reli should do that^^), so I just went for a walk..and I had such a good prayer time, and I was very surprised about the fact that it was about 9.30 pm but the way I was walking on seemed to be so bright 8there were no streetlights). So I looked up to the sky and I saw the clear fullmoon, shining over me. And eventhough there were many clouds the moon just shone through, just as if the clouds didnt even exist. and thats what God told me: "Look at this wonderful moon..do u see the light shine? although there are so many clouds. Can u see that its the same with my light in your life?? My light is shining in your life ALL the time!! u just have to open your eyes and fix them upon me, so that my light will shine through and over everything that seems to make your life less beautiful!"
One more time I reli decided to give my life more and more to Jesus! and heres a song I found that just fits because my God is the only one who deserves...

What is this love given to us
That saved my life through selfless sacrifice
Although we fail the cross prevails
Forgiveness stands
You take me back again

You’ve shown me life
You’ve opened my eyes
So I give You my praise
Yeah I give You my all
You’ve shown me life
You’ve opened my eyes
To the truth that there’s no greater love

Now in the darkness God’s light shines
Christ forever glorified
So come on come on sing out to God
Now with all we’ve got
We live for You our God

Salvation’s strong in Christ alone
The Saviour King alone in victory
I step aside give You my life
For You to move do what You want to do

I can’t imagine a life without You without You
‘Cause it’s all for You
Yeah it’s all for You
God
(Hillsongs - You deserve)

think of u..

2008-11-12T15:41:00.002Z

but I think of you
whenever life gets me down
I think of you
whenever you´re not around
you rest your bones
somewhere far from my own

sometimes life is so funny..reli!!
Im hardly trying to figure out which way to go but somehow Im wasting my time..
wasting my time with watching stupid series, lookin at pictures I shudnt look on, listening to music that keeps me dreamin..
its so wrong...
but what can I do?? I culd behave completely foolish, I could tell the world so that everyone wuld hear what i gotta say..I culd just be honest...
but u know what? thats pretty embarassing sometimes...yeah reeeeli!!
so I just stay calm. eventhough I hate stayin calm, waitin, doing nothing...
instead of talkin Im writin stupid letters that noone will ever read and noone wuld ever understand.
thats sometimes the way life goes...funny isnt it?? yeah I also do not understand it..

yesterday Ive been to a worship evening and it was sooo good! I just felt gods love and it was like he took all the weight from my heart and made it as light as it hasnt been for weeks..
and God showed me how I stood on a mountain somewhere in israel..it was just like he said "hey dont care..u ll get there someday!!"...how wonderful my God is!!
afterwards weve been to a birthday in the hemmingways and its always nice meeting people and talk a bit about life and stuff :)
Im just waiting what comes next!

not good enough

2008-11-11T17:47:00.002Z

I wish I culd make u see how much it hurts to hear all the stuff u tell me day by day..
u wont ever tell me u r proud of me, and slowly I reli start to believe that u easily just arent proud..not even a bit.
it hurts to see that u wish u would have a daughter whos not like me..
I see no way how we could ever be alright..I see no way how I culd ever get happy here..as long as u tell me that everything I do isnt right..its just simply not good enough.
I AM not good enough..and I never will be for u!
seems like i wuld have to walk this life alone..without ur support..thats the way life goes..

2008-11-08T23:12:00.002Z

Im confused about this world..its weird.
everythings so crazy...feels like theres almost noone who understands..
and those ppl who should becos we share the same blood are the last who would understand.
Its always me who does everything wrong..my behaviour is always worse..its always me, just like its always been...thats SO exhausting, can u believe that?? SO EXHAUSTING!!
Id so love to leave right now..atm I see NO reason to stay here...not one..the person I love most is leaving, so theres reli noone at all who understands, school will be over soon (im pretty sure), theres always fighting and arguing here...why am I here?
I need some time out..cos I freak out here..Im goin crazy!

Gods teaching me

2008-11-04T12:51:00.002Z

its so good to know and also to feel that God has everything in his hands!!
lots of stuff is happening in my life atm..for example when I walked to dettingen to the "insel-godi" at sunday I just talked with god for a while..and it just felt like I could say from my heart that if he wants me to stay alone all life I would do it for him. so I told him.
and it wasnt like its always been that I felt like "mmmh...I dont wanna be alone..." afterwards..it was good. easily good.
the worship in the service was pretty cool. at the beginning I didnt reli came to God..something held me back..I dont know..but as time went by I was reli ready to stand up and to worship the lord..and it reli felt like I would stand at his throne and it felt like he was smiling..
there was a time when everybody could sind out what was on his heart..its reli not my kind of behaviour that I just sing and sind what I feel and what I want to tell God. But I just did..I sang what was on my heart..no matter what the ppl thought or how it sounded..and thats the point I wanna reach when I do worship..and I know it will take some time to get to that point..but Im gonna take the time becos Jesus gives me some time to get better.
it was soo good!!
Yesterday I had a long and exhausting day..had school until 5 pm and then had to go to the theatre at 6.30pm and came back home at 12pm..between school and theatre I took a lil time out to have at least a short time with god..I would have loved to have some more but unfortunetely it wasnt possible..but even in this 30 minutes God spoke to me..I listened to some music and there was a song where the lyrics are "Im made to live, Im made to love, Im made to know you!"
And it was just like God told me with this: No longer care about relationships..YOU ARE MADE TO LOVE! but its in my hands and in my time WHEN u will love someone again..
and he gave me the picture of an eagle that flew higher and higher..kaddi had a pic of an eagle in summer for me too..I dont exactly know what it means but it felt a bit like God wanted to show me that this picture belongs to a prophecy I got in summer too where someone said "someone is here who just ended up a relationship..it was very hard and it still is and you are hurt..but it will be better in time and God will give you new strength and new love and you´re gonna be perfectly prepared for a new relationship"...the more I think about it the more I KNOW that it was for me..and as it seems this picture belongs to that prophecy..
Dont know exactly what it means..but Im excited to find out!!
Im so thankful that God does such amazing things in my life..hes teaching me..every and every day!! could I have a better teacher? NO!!

I surrender...

2008-11-02T10:58:00.002Z

when I got to bed yesterday it just felt like there were things I havent said to God yet but things that need to be said! So I laid there and reflected the things that went through my head this evening.
and then I knew what it was..its about having a partner and stuff...I hate being alone, thats a fact. and I would wish to have someone I can share life with..someone with whom Ill stay together for the rest of my life, someone Im gonna marry...
David Pierce asked a question yesterday: would you be willing to live without a partner your whole life?
sometimes when I hear thjings like that I think "yeah of course, for God I would do everything"..but when Im honest and when I look into my heart I know that I couldnt say with all my heart that Im willing to do this. I wouldnt be able to pray "Jesus if u want me to live without a partner my whole life I would do it". Because I know that I wouldnt be honest...maybe a part of meould mean it but the other part is too afraid...becos I know that God hears my prayers and that what I pray could come true..and Im scared to to be alone my whole life..to me it seems like a nightmare..
but I know that I fix way too much of all the stuff with love and partner..and so I just gave it to jesus. I just gave it into his hands, I surrendered. I said that it wouldnt be honest to pray the sentence I wrote before but that I want it to be in his hands what happens next..
then I fell asleep..
when I woke up today I still got the feeling theres something I need to tell him..so I gave up on safety and I gave up ma lack of trust..I prayed that his will be done and that I wanna give into his hands what happens in the future, concerning job, bible school, england, actually easily EVERYTHING! its in his hands and I feel better now...
when I listened to this David yesterday I realized that there are still LOTS of things I need to learn..about my life and Jesus..this guy would do whatever God wants from him..everything..he lived in a one-room-flat with his wife and they worked low paid jobs...although both of them have been to the university...he did it for god and he did lots of more stuf..I want that too.
I wanna go after whatever god has for me, even if it isnt what Im dreamin about..I know he has only the best for me!
I dont like the worship thing that I wrote about a post before..becos I know that a part of all this is, that its about attention that people give me..and I know this is wrong. I know its wrong to do the worship and to feel better when ppl tell me afterwards that it was good..
so its the only right decision to let it be till God tells me Im allowed to do it again..
tomorrow school starts again..and the thought about it ruins my day..I dont wanna go there I hate it...I see..hard times are coming but Im gonna fight them cos Jesus is with me and I surrendered and its everything in his hands...everything!

decisions

2008-11-01T21:02:00.003Z

seems like today has been the decision-day....And I really hope that I made decisions I can keep..
today in the service while we did the worship I heard God talkin to me..
I didnt like what he said at all..but I know hes right!
he said "Lizzy...as long as you cant let yourself fall and give your heart fully to me when u worship me, you shouldnt lead or do the worship in ANY service.."
I did that quite a lot the last time..since the summer holidays I sang or played in every domino service..I played at the beat and I played in my youth-group...and the more I became the leader, the more I realized I didnt do it with all my heart..
I almost couldnt come down...thats pretty hard...so I decided to be obedient. I wont do worship in service in front of the crowd...only between all the people..becos I wanna come back to the heart of worship..where I dont care where I stand, how I look like or if my singing is perfect.
I wanna give my heart completely to God when I worship him. And I dont wanna say that I didnt gave my heart the last few weeks when I did worship..but I didnt gave it completely..
I wanna be honest...honest to God, honest to myself and honest to my community..so it will be the right way..
I also realized that there are many things that hold me back. Hold me back to reli GO the way God has for me.
So I wanna get rid of a few things...for example safety..the longing to have a partner (God knows what hes doing)...lack of trust (Im just too scared sometimes)...and I guess there are lots of more things...I dont even wanna give a tiny part of myself to the devil...becos hes manupulating...And I also know that the devil only hassomething tpo manipulate when I give him something..thats the point. so I dont wanna give him any part of me becos I BELONG TO JESUS!!!
and theres one sentence david pierce said that evening: Jesus is SO powerful!!!!
Against Jesus the devil is only a TINY mouse that cant do ANYTHING!!
so Im safe...so I dont have to fear anything or have to worry about anything..IM SAFE!

Your PERFECT LOVE Jesus

2008-11-01T14:36:00.002Z

I wanna see the broken hearts
finding hope in God above
I wanna know I’m doing all I can
So with this life, with all I am
No matter what the cost may be
I pray to see your love become our cause

I won’t stop believing
You alone are, You alone are God
In You there's freedom

Your love brings me to my knees again
We're gonna bring an anthem of love
We're gonna live for you now

This perfect love, I can't explain
This way of life that has no end
Your mercy satisfies, it's all I need
My purpose found in You alone
to love the lost and bring them home
We were made to glorify our king

Your love brings me to my knees again
We're gonna bring an anthem of love
We're gonna live for you
May your love become my every thought
I wanna know the sound of your heart
I wanna live for you now

Sing You, you bring me life
You bring me hope
You're all I need

when I found this song today I was totally touched..
becos thats what Im dreaming about...Im dreaming about people who have a broken heart and who are hopeless who find hope in God.
and I know that HE is GOD and that HE ist the ONLY GOD I wanna sing to, I wnna pray to and I wanna live with!
I never had so much freedom in my life than I have since I have God in my life.
And I could start to tell of my fathers perfect love but I wouldnt come to any end and I also wouldnt find the right words to explain how wonderful and perfect it is.
so only one thing: Jesus, thank you for your perfect LOVE!!

Whom shall I fear?

2008-10-31T16:26:00.003Z

I will seek You Lord
While I am in my youth.
I will serve You Lord,
And I'll proclaim Your truth.
For You've searched and found me
While I was far away.
And in my troubled times
You've always kept me safe.

The Lord is my Light
and my Salvation
Whom Shall I Fear?
Whom Shall I Fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life
Whom Shall I Fear?
Whom Shall I Fear?

yeah, the Lord is my saviour, the lord is my light and my salvation!
sometimes I reli ask myself what I fear in this world??
theres nothing that could bring me down becos I have Jesus..and I wont fall deeper than into his loving hand! Im so safe in his arms...Im so safe no matter what comes my way.
Im so thankful for this unconditional love he has for me!! Im full of joy becos of my Lord. Im full of joy becos of his love and mercy, because hes almighty, becos I conquered the death, he conquered the devil. Hes holy, hes glorious, lets give him praise and honor!!

someone like...you?

2008-10-30T16:44:00.003Z

I would love to share my life with someone..
someone who loves me and someone I love with all my heart.
Id love to go out to the streets with someone to tell the world that jesus lives and to pray for the sick and the hopeless.
Id love to have someone I could go to a worship-night with, and to know that he enjoys the same ways as I do.
Id love to have someone I can walk over fields and meadows with..someone who loves to have a walk, just like I do.
Id love to have someone I could just hang around with in my room, having good conversations, fun or maybe a good soaking time..
I would love to have someone with whom I could sit by the fireside and with whom I could drink some hot chocolate when its cold, snowing and freezing outside..
Id love to have someone with whom I could watch the lion king or some other old films that are so much better than all the new stuff thats out now..
Id just love to have someone to share life, thoughts, desires and love!
Of course I can do all this stuff alone or with friends..it can also be good...but its something reli different!
life isnt easier when u have a partner..but its so good not to be alone..

trust and ppl

2008-10-30T12:22:00.002Z

its just so typical..I guess u reli didnt change at all..
I thought I could trust u, and that ur not the same u were before..but hey..she?? she of all ppl?? I reli thought u would have more taste...whatever..its ur life!!
Its just one more evidence that I shouldnt trust ppl that much...or that I shouldnt turn away from my requirements..becos Jesus made me the way I am for a reason..and he filled my heart with desires for a reason..I reli should be more careful with my myself..
Im a princess of God and being lways in the 2nd row isnt enough for me. I deserve it to be treated as someone precious. I deserve it to be fully loved and not just a bit.
And yeah, Im gonna smile becos thats also something I deserve to!!
One more time I figured out that GOD is the ONLY one I can fully trust..that hes the only one who understands my desires, my thoughts(even if I dont understand them) and my life.
I reli dont know what Im searching for in this life...Im searching for more..but what do I want more?? I have Jesus..and I have a hand ful of REAL friends I can fully trust. And I have one girl I love more than anyone else in this world..becos I can tell her whatever I want and shes listening, shes praying for me and she understands, even if its foolish.
And thats all I need..what do I want more??
theres only one more thing I firgured out yesterday: I need a man whos watching The lion king with me ;) and who loves it the way I do! what an awesome film!!! <3

precious people..

2008-10-28T22:19:00.003Z

I had such an amazing time today..
met Dani, Chrissie and Kaddi in stuttgart, we went to starbucks and walked through the town, ate hamburgers and had an awesome time!!
slowly I get to the point where I realize which things Im gonna miss when I will be away.
its not my so called home..its not the daily grind..but its the people I know and love.
Its the "meetings" in stuttgart, goeppingen, what do I know where..its the hangin around together in starbucks or somewhere else..its some services where I meet ppl I dont meet that often..Its easily the time I spend with people who have a wonderful heart, who think in a way that I do, who are fun to hang around with and ppl with whom I can talk about god without being worried what they could think about the stuff I say..and some new friendships I made through the summer..Im gonna miss all those ppl..
but for sure Im gonna find some great ppl in england too..they will have a similar heart...becos we are gonna be at a bible school..and noone who isnt "burning for god" would go to such a school
oh yeah I just dont know how everything is gonna work out...and its just hard not to know what will come..becis I reli have NO IDEA about the future...:/
but god will make it alright..I still believe this even if I dont sound like that...sometimes its hard and there are some days where Im not that sure..but all in all I just KNOW that he will!!

confusing...

2008-10-27T17:30:00.003Z

the weekend was just awesome..when we arrived the party started and we danced a long time..and also had some nice conversations. After the dancing part we played some games and had just fun..
I cant help but I had such a good time up on the nordalb becos somehow its a place my heart loves..I have so many memories of this place, maybe not just good memories, also bad ones, but there are LOADS of good memories, and they weight much more than the bad stuff...
everytime I arrive there I feel like God wants to do something IN me..in my heart..and everytime Im there he really does something..its not always easy..most of the time the hard stuff happens there..
I enjoyed the weekend becos of all the precious ppl around me..becos of all the good conversations, the worship and prayer times, the chill out & fun times and the teachings..
but there were also some thought that are not easy to carry at all..
I know Im still hurt in so many parts of my heart..and thats okay..becos there were loads of things in my life that ppl did that werent okay. they hurt me, even if they didnt wanted to..they just did and there are some wounds that are not healed at all..but thats okay.
the thing that is much more irritating and confusing is all the stuff Im thinkin about atm...
its about england..Im yearning to go there and I still think that if I could I would immediatley pack my bags and fly there...and it wouldnt even be hard for the first time...but..When I go there Im gonna be there for 10 MONTHS...u know how long this is?? 10 months far far far away from here..maybe not far away from the place I call home..but far away from ppl I call "home"..from their hearts, where I sometimes find a missing piece of peace..
I know there will be awesome ppl over there...but I was always scared about being alone..thats one reason why I always wanted to go in a foreign country alone..
I actually dont even know whats my problem atm...I just know that I feel a bit lost here and that I dont really know what I should do now..Im hangin around here, my familys there, but they are not really "there"..theyre watching tv..and Im sitting in my room trying to find something that I could do but theres nothing that seems to make sense at all..I wanted to read a book (well to be honest not just one but about 3 or 4^^)...but I just dont feel like readin at the mom..
maybe its just becos Ive been surrounded of some awesome ppl the last few days..now I sit at home alone again..and I know that I should write an essay and that I should learn some business stuff..yeah maybe its the daily grind Im scared about.. jesus let me just fly away...

YOU are the one and only!! <3

2008-10-24T18:24:00.002+01:00

Weißt du eigentlich was du bist für mich?
Alles andre als normal
und jederzeit loyal, royal
Du bist mein Fundament
Keine die mich so gut kennt,
keine die mich sieht wie du.
Old Shatterhand ich Winnetou

Immer werden wir so bleiben
Jung und frei und schön, wir beide.
Stehen auf der guten Seite
Jahr für Jahr.
Immer werden wir so bleiben,
lachen über schlechte Zeiten.
Deine Schmerzen sind auch meine.
Jahr für Jahr.

Weißt du eigentlich
was du tust für mich?
Wenn du meine Lasten trägst,
und dich mit meinen Feinden schlägst?
Ich vertrau dir mehr als mir,
und ich liebe dich dafür.
dass du bist wie du isst,
dass du niemals vergisst
was das wichtige ist.
Wir beide

Immer werden wir so bleiben.
Jung und frei und schön, wir beide
stehen auf der guten Seite.
Jahr für Jahr.
Immer werden wir so bleiben,
lachen über schlechte Zeiten.
Deine schmerzen sind auch meine.
Jahr für Jahr.
Jahr für Jahr.

We experienced sooooo many things together..I cant count all the crazy actions we started..There are countless times we laughed together and there are also so many times we cried together...we drove so many miles and walked for hours..
we played a hundred songs, we prayed, we sang, we flew to england, we slept in a tent, we walked through the rain we were lying in the sun, we sat for hours on a place and watched people walking through the streets, we prayed for people, we talked for hours, good stuff, crazy stuff, sad stuff..and we ALWAYS found a way together...we always kept the friendship..and I SURE well do it in the future too..
nothings gonna stop us, noone could hold us back..were gonna conquer the world, were gonna LIVE life like noone could imagine..our friendship will NEVER die!!
its just...today grundkurs starts again...3 years ago at OUR grundkurs we talked the first time..our story began pretty funny..but it moved on and its the most serious friendship I ever had...YOU ARE THE BEST ONE OF THE BEST ONES!!
I love u!!

now look, where we are
you're in my heart now
and there's no escaping it for you

cause this is real, and this is good
it warms the inside just like it should
but most of all
most of all, it's built to last

cause this is real, and this is good
it warms the inside just like it should
but most of all
most of all, it's built to last

cause you are the sun in my universe
consider the best when we felt the worst
and most of all, most of all
most of all, most of all,
most of all. most of all
it's built to last

He IS in control

2008-10-22T13:58:00.003+01:00

sometimes Im such a stressful person..
I always wanna make everything on my own, I always wanna plan everything, I wanna know things immediatley...I want solutions for problems right now...
and there is one VERY important thing I forget when I am like that: GOD has everything in his hand.
He has a plan that is much bigger than what I expect and what I plan..its perfect and better than any plan I make could be..he LOVES me and he would never do anything thats not good for me.
IM GONNA FIND MY WAY...why shouldnt I??
the bible says in Mat. 6, 25-34:
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
so why do I always try to find answers and solutions for any problems..I guess I should really CHILL now and let it come like it comes..God is gonna do it alright..I wont make it any way...
So now Im gonna share some freetime, watchin some TV with my daddy just to chill out a bit..
HES GOT EVERYTHING IN HIS HAND..so why should I go on makin myself crazy??
Hes gonna bring me to the job I should do, hes gonna bring me to the bible school in bristol if he wants me there, he´ll bring me to an university someday if he wants me to study...
so everythings gonna be alright...THANKS FOR YOUR MERCY JESUS!!

beautiful life

2008-10-21T15:19:00.002+01:00

I had such a good time while I was out for a walk today..
I danced.
I laughed.
I jumped around.
I sang.
I was full of joy.
I prayed.
I rested in my fathers love.
I watched the clouds passing by.
I stared into the blue sky.
I enjoyed to lie in the grass.
I was happy.
I thought about england.
I thought about that awesome summer that lies behind me..
I thought about the coming year.
I thought about the time I will spend in england next year.
I thought about a to do list with all the things I need to do this year, especially with Kaddi, before shes leaving <3
I loved and still love God ;)
I ate an apple *yummie*
I fell to the ground because Im too stupid to walk :D
I felt alive!
what an amazing life!

yesterday Ive been for a walk too..but with an old friend of mine (we know each other since we are 3)..we hadnt got lots do do with each other for a few years, but now we sometimes meet and have a good time..thats awesome.
and yesterday we collected some nuts, flowers and chestnuts..we felt like when we were young, becos we did it very often when we were kids...
I thank God for every of this wonderful days..and I thank God for the sun thats shining!! I LOVE it!!

save you..

2008-10-20T21:30:00.003+01:00

take a breath,
I’ll pull myself together.
Just another step until I reach the door
you’ll never know the way,
it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
and there’s so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
if it takes you forever, I want you to know

when I hear your voice,
it’s drowning into whispers
you're just skin and bones
there’s nothing left to take
and no matter what I do
I can’t make you feel better
if only I could find the answer
to help me understand

that if you fall, stumble down,
I’ll pick you up off the ground.
If you lose faith in you,
I’ll give you strength to pull through.
Tell me you won’t give up,
cause I’ll be waiting here if you fall
you know I’ll be there for you
if only I could find the answer,
to take it all away
(Simple Plan - Save you)

Im so sorry for u and I know I cant really help u..
It hurts my soul to see u unhappy and Im trying to find a way to help u and to make u feel good..at least for a day...but it feels like there would be NOTHING I could do for u and thats what makes me sad!
I just wanna show u how much u mean to me and how much I like u and that u are someone Ill NEVER ever let down (Im trying to), becos u are one of those people Ive never really been disappointed of, even if I dont even know why..
u are so wonderful and precious...why cant u just see it???

better in time

2008-10-19T20:40:00.002+01:00

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn`t know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going, coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one
Thinking that I deversed it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals, too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn´t turn on the TV,
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming
Don't wanna let hurt my feelings
But thats the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals, too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since theres no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals, too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
Yes I do
It'll all get better in time

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals, too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
(Leona Lewis - Better in time)
<3

people in this world

2008-10-19T10:24:00.002+01:00

its so amazing..
god shows me how wonderful and interesting people are..everyone in his own way, but also everyone impressing..
its important to kick yourself in the ass so that u speak to people where u thought it wouldnt be worth it - and it IS worth it!! because u learn to see people in a different way...u figure out that they have positive sides that u never saw becos u didnt talked to them at all..
its amazing how many different people we have in this world..everyone individual. everyone wonderful in his own way.
its so important to see the people through gods eyes..becos in his eyes everyone is beautiful, everyone is loved, everyone is someone special..!
and Im trying more and more to see people through gods eyes..becos I think its easier to love them this way..

home

2008-10-18T11:23:00.002+01:00

fuck off staying friends? alright, so if you do I also will..
who am I to run after you?

sometimes I ask myself where my home is..I searched for places which I could call home, maybe I found some which I could call home for at least a while..but I never found a place that I could REALLY call home...which my heart could call home..till I found Jesus..

All my life Ive been living here
trying to make this place my place
but it never felt like it was home

Ive travelled through western-USA
had a good time drivin around there
but it didnt felt like home

Ive been to lots of places
Ive seen a thousand faces
but the only thing I found
was that there was no place to call home

I visited places in Asia
Ive seen a mosque in turkey
but my heart couldnt find its place

Ive been to england in summer
Ive seen cathedrales and towers
I think it felt like home, at least a bit

Ive been to lots of places
Ive seen a million faces
but the only thing I found was:
theres only one place to call home

its your heart
in your heart I find love, I find grace, I find peace
in your heart I found home!

purity2

2008-10-17T16:44:00.003+01:00

one more time today its about purity.
Im cleanin my room at the moment..and one more time I realize how much junk I own..
some things that are at least 5 years old and that I will NEVER ever use again...si I have to learn just to throw it away..and thats pretty hard for me..Im really not someone who throws away something he doesnt need anymore (would be much easier if I would be, becos then my room would be filled with the half of all the stuff I own).
but isnt it the same with our hearts? there are things/moments/persons/times that are long gone..but can we let it go and "throw it away"?? often we cant..so theres lots of rubbish within our hearts that we need to throw away, only when we do that we get free...
oh folks thats so complicated and so hard..
the more I get pure inside I want to be pure outside and also I want my room to be clean (which sometimes seems to be the hardest part to get pure ;)..the more I clean up the more old stuff comes out of everycorner of my room (and also of every corner of my heart).
I started at the beginning of the year with cleaning up and with getting pure (well, I just didnt called it "pure")..but its such a long process and Im not approximately ready...its such a long walk..but in the meantime Im at the point where I at least REALLY wanna get pure..Id dint always wanted to be it..
so if anyones interested to go this way too, just join me..its always easier to be not alone - for everyone!

dying..and live again!

2008-10-16T22:10:00.002+01:00

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue,
could be grey
without you I’m just miles away

could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

u know...there must be a way without u..there must be a life without u..it seems unreal to let u go..it hurts to let u go..it still does..but the more I get away from u the more I get sure about that its the right thing..and I get more sure everyday that it will be the right way to go to england..I dont know whats going to happen..but I know that I dont always need to know everything becos Gods just bigger..stronger..better! better than anything that I expect or imagine..
u know, ur the one who want to tell me that I would become obsessed with the thought to get to england, with the thought of GOD in my life..
u know, thats what shows me that its just right..I guess ull never ever understand how fuckin much I loved u..ull never see how much you meant to me and u still do..but I do not wanna make promises I cant keep..Im sorry to be honest and I hate it but I dont wanna be a liar..
I hope youll get happy someday..I hope youre gonna find someone who loves u the way that u deserve it..I just feel like I couldnt give u what u want, what u need and what u deserve..it cant be me..
Im gonna get away and Im gonna come back..but I wanna die..becos all the old stuff inside of me has to die..I wanna be a new person..becos I cant bear it to have things within me that arent pure, that arent the truth..and I have so many lies within me...lies about myself, about the world about the people..it will hurt like hell and maybe even more..but I know Im gonna be new..pure..Im gonna be true..and Im never gonna be like I have been again..never, never, never!

purity

2008-10-16T16:54:00.005+01:00

Im more and more thinking about purity at the moment..
It all started with Dani who cleaned a room in the fitness center where we celebrate our serviceand who talked about purity..he said that the purity outside reflects the purity inside of u...I laughed about it...but the more I think about the more I get close to what he said...
when I look at my room for example..the whole week Im here and there and I just drop everything where I am because I havent got time to tidy up....at the end of the week my room is full of stuff..everywhere is lying anything..I do not take time to clean up so theres no purity..its the same in my heart...when I run from here to there I havent got time to get calm..I cant rest...and the more Im running around the less purity is within me because everything inside of me gets mixed up and I have no clearness inside of me..
people, thats really something important...wen need some purity in our lives!!!
Im trying to get more and more purity in my life..whos going with me??

trust in u...

2008-10-14T15:32:00.002+01:00

Im honest: I cant wait to leave this place..ANYWHERE!! but actually Id most love to finally leave to england. every day Im going to this school I hate it more and more. I hate those teachers who only think about theirselves...they dont see u as a person, they just see u as a student whos too stupid anyway, no matter what they want from u...and the more I am there the more I start to feel like this too.
Im not even able to say something in german because I just didnt understood what my teacher wanted me to say..I have no idea, I cant concentrate on all this stuff, Im not interested, Im scared and I HATE it!
If I could I would immediatley leave this school..I cant wait to get away from there..I just cant wait..every day more is a nightmare, every day more seems so wasted...every hour Im there I hate it more and more..Im hardly forcing myself to stay there and not to skip my lessons to do something that seems to be a thousand times more sensible.
I just wanna leave, nothing else..I love the people around me, I love hangin around with them, share some time with them..I love this life, more than ever..but I hate this school..I hate it so..
Im amazed about how God works in me, eventhough I feel like a dumb asshole everytime I have to waste my time in school..Im sure that God will come more and more into my life when I learn to trust him more and more..And I really want to trust him and I do..but not in every part of my life..and thats what I have to learn..Ill need to trust him EVERYWHERE..even in school, which is the hardest part. But I wanna go on..go on trust in him, go on loving him with all my heart..and Im sure Im gonna get to england, I dont know how, I dont know when but I WILL get there.
Please Jesus, show me your love, every and every day becos I cant get through this without u..Im waiting for u to fill my life more and more..and Im waiting to see more miracles. I wanna see ur almighty hand working in my life. I NEED some miracles becos this way it cant go on..Im so tired..Tired of all the stuff around me. tired of this school, of all the expectations that people have on me. I need a sense in my life, and the only sense I find is YOU lord..nothing else..I need u!!

Breathing the breath that he gave us to breathe

2008-10-13T22:15:00.003+01:00

We have nothing to give
That didn't first come from Your hands
We have nothing to offer You
Which You did not provide
Every good, perfect gift comes from
Your kind and gracious heart
And all we do is give back to You
What always has been Yours

Lord, we're breathing the breath
That You gave us to breath
To worship You, to worship You
And we're singing these songs
With the very same breath
To worship You, to worship You

Who has given to You
That it should be paid back to him?
Who has given to You
As if You needed anything?
From You, and to You, and through You
Come all things, O Lord
And all we do is give back to You
What always has been Yours

We are breathing the breath
That You gave us to breath
(Matt Redman - Breathing the breath)

theres nothing that I could give God that comes from myself. but thats not a problem..becos I do not even have the chance..becos god made me..he created me..so what could I have anything to give to him that comes from myself?
its just like the song says..Im breathing the breath that he gave me to breathe..and with this breath I worship him..thats all I can give...but its enough for him..
and this is one more day where I just cant believe and just cant understand how BIG, how MARVELOUS, how WONDERFUL my god is!!
I cant understand his grace and mercy. hes too amazing!!
its not easy for me to give money, not in this situation..but I learned that its important to be obedient..and I know its worth it!
And I believe that God will give me the money that I need for my trip to england..I know that I havent got much..but I know that theres a lot of time till Ill get away from here..and Im sure God will move his almighty hand to get me where he wants me to..
and so im breathing the breath that he gave me to breathe to worship HIM, and only HIM!

who am I called to be?

2008-10-12T01:33:00.003+01:00

its not a very good feeling to figure out that youre not really that kind of daughter for your father that he wished u to be.
I know now that Im not. I guess he wished that I wouldnt believe in God so deeply that Id like to go to a bible school. And I also think that hed wish that I wouldnt wanna help people and make it to my job, but would rather like if I would be satisfacted with an office-job where I would earn a lot of money.
And actually I can even understand him. Im sure that its not easy to have children who do not think like u do in any way..
But if theres one thing Im sure about it is that Im not that kind of human whos only interested in earning much money, caring about themself and who hasnt got dreams and wishes for his life.
I know my way wont ever be easy becos I plan lots of things that sometimes seem to be unreachable. And I understand that my dad wants only the best for me so he just wishes that I would have a safe job and a safe life..but I just cant live this way..
Its hard to figure out that u are not who u wished to be and that there are thoughts like "wouldnt it be better not to have any children?" but through all the disappointment I feel about that theres still kind of understanding and I feel sorry...
but what I also know that right now Im exactly who God wants me to be right now and that he meant me the way I am. Its not easy to be me but its good that I am me..

God the HEALER!!

2008-10-08T20:10:00.002+01:00

so unbelievable..I can only sing praise to the lord!!
Its really funny what he did this evening.
I walked around and I just had a pain in my finger since saturday evening. it especially hurt when I played the guitra...and so I thought I could just pray for the pain to go away. I did it - and the pain was gone! This is crazy!! and I also had pain in my right knee the whole day - and its also away..although I didnt even pray for the knee!!
How AMAZING the lord is...I almost cant blieve it!! ;)

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
(Hillsongs United - The Stand)

filled up with truth, wisdom and love

2008-10-08T18:06:00.002+01:00

I dont have any idea what god is doing in me, with me and with my life at the moment.
But Im really able to relax!! And it feels sooo good!!
We had our "more of god-meeting" yesterday and first we did some worship and later we just prayed for kirchheim, germany, the people around us and for ourselves..I dont know what exactly it was I felt but it just felt like God opened my heart completely so that he could fill it with his truth, wisdom and love.
And it really feels like he did.
I felt so good after this meeting, just becos I knew that God was there. And I also felt so good today...we had SBK today and we just prayed and once more it just felt like God would be right here. do u know how good that feels???
hes just there when I sit in a boring business lesson. Hes here when I clean up my room, when Im listening to music, when I walk around, yeah, even when I sleep he holds his hand over me.
And today Ive been to Starbucks in stuttgart with a friend of mine and we had a pretty good time and it feels good to help people.
And Ive been obedient today...when I saw a man sitting on the corner of the street I just had the feeling I should go to him and ask him if he wants something to eat becos he had a sign which said "please give me money for something to eat"...when I walked past him the first time I "ignored" gods voice but when I walked back the street and he still sat there I went to him and asked him if he would want something to eat (I dont give those people money becos who knows what they do with it). He didnt understand me (or he pretended to..but I didnt believe him becos he didnt seem to be a foreigner) and so I just gave up after a view times. But I also felt that I shouldnt just give him money.
And it was good that I just did what God wanted becos it was simply a good experience for me..a training to be obedient ;)
I feel filled up by God. Even if I didnt do anything special - just becos hes there!
Im gonna go for a walk now becos I love it to walk around in the darkness and to share my thoughts with God.

living life happy

2008-10-06T19:31:00.003+01:00

yesterday I had a really wonderful day!!
we had a band rehearsal and it was lots of fun becos I never "played" in a band that included more than two guitars and two singers.
Its really amazing what u can make out of songs when u have a bit more than only guitar and voice.
and I also loved doing the worship in DOMINO becos it was very relaxed...we didnt really practice anything..but that was it in the end that made me kind of feeling good.
becos I hadnt got any pressure that it had to sound good.
I just stood there and sang and it felt like I would sing really out from my heart and I saw Jesus smilin about what we did. and so I needed to smile too.
It was a wonderful day with wonderful people and wonderful music. and I was happy.
Today I got back my business examination..dont need to say anything about it...it was so clear that I fail again, just like I always do in this subject...but u know what?? slowly I dont WANNA care about this any longer..becos I have enough from running after every fckn point I could get...thats so stupid...if thats my sense in life I should really really start to change something!
So after school I went to the Juca and it brightened my mood a bit..
And then Kaddi and me went to the Ikea.
and we had lots of fun walking through this big big center and I found a few great things for my room :)
so this day has been saved too through all the wonderful people I can call friends.
give thanks to the Lord, our God and King, his love endures FOREVER!!
lets see what tomorrow brings..Ive got only 6 hours school I guess thats bearable...

almighty

2008-10-05T09:46:00.002+01:00

My heart feels like its within a storm
but you calm it with your words
In you I rest and find my peace
you give me strength and I feel alive

you are almighty,
you are holy
you are the god that sees me through
I walk through the darkness
bus I see a light shine
Jesus its you Im running to

through every fight you will be my guide
you lead me step by step
no matter what comes through my way
you are God and you are always good

you are so holy, so holy
you are holy you are God
I lift your name up, your name up
lift your name up my Lord

youre almighty, so almighty
you are almighty, you are God
I lift your name high, so high
I lift you name high you are God

missing u..

2008-10-04T10:48:00.002+01:00

how should I gon on when Im still in love with u??

cause if one day you wake up
and find that you´re missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
where on this earth I could be

what if I woke up and found that Im missing u???
what if I absolutely have no clue what to do??
what if I want but I cant??
what if I would like to on the one hand but I dont want on the other?
what if my heart loves being free and doing what I want to
but my heart also loves u??
what if I dont know what I want?
what if I cant make this decision??

Im not alone

2008-10-03T14:02:00.002+01:00

Theres a reason, theres a rhyme
theres a season a mark in time
show me the answer lay down your cards
read the future from the stars

Ive had
hard times trying to brake me down
hard times over again
hard times trying to get me down
I will survive, Ill survive because of your love

I hear the demons, I search for God
I spit the fire a glimpse in the dark
my mind is weak, my heart is strong
you try to shake me Im not standing alone
Im not on my own.

yeah there were hard times in my life..and they tried to brake me down..but u know what?
Im still alive..and I survived them because I wasnt alone..
because I had some people by my side who have been on my side and who helped me.
But I also had GOD on my side. and he brought me through everything!!
yeah Im not alone!

I give everything for u!

2008-10-03T12:32:00.003+01:00

Im really surprised.
I had a really good conversation with a girl from my youth group.
And I really liked what I heard and what she said about her relationship to God.
It really made me happy to hear that she wants to go on and go deeper into the relationship with God. awesome, thank u Jesus!!
Im so thankful that God gives me some great people to talk about him and other stuff.
Its so important to talk and its so important to have companionship.
I so love to see people growing in their identity and I also love seeing how I grow step by step.
I love to see Gods changes and his work in people.
and I wanna go on and on and I dont wanna stop growing..
I dont wanna look back becos it just enchains me...its here and now, its today, and its a new day, a day HE made. and I can use it to live for HIM.
you gave everything for me - now I give everything for you!! Here I am, living for your glory!!

england..

2008-10-01T21:23:00.002+01:00

somehow it just seems like EVERYONE is going to go to england..
everyone but me.
and somehow it feels strange to read it because the only thing I wish at the moment is that I could go too...
and somehow it really pisses me off...
Like I already said I have a really good time here and stuff but..
why cant I just leave and experience some new stuff..I would so love to..

Im alive!!

2008-10-01T13:17:00.004+01:00

its so good to feel free.
and its even better to feel alive!
after this examination today a load of sorrow fell from my heart..
sometimes i think im way too scared about such things and i destroy my own life through it.
but i dont wanna think about it any longer..Im free now and it feels sooo good!
just went for a walk the last hour and it was so wonderful to walk through the fields and to know that god is here and that I have to fear nothing...
the sun was shining warm on my face and the wind blew through my hair.
had some good music with me..but sometimes I wonder why those songs make me feel in a special way..I know that I listened to them at special times and they remind me about something but I just dont know what..
but Im just glad to have a lil bit freetime now..well okay, now some classmates are coming and we have to write some abstracts for our essay but I guess its gonna be fun somehow..
thank Jesus...he makes my whole life worth living!!

security..

2008-09-30T10:09:00.004+01:00

whatever I did (I cant remember) Im ill now..-.-
that means I sit at home, reading, lying in bed, waiting that something happens, blowing my nose, drinking some tea...isnt that a boring life? wonderful, I couldnt imagine anything thats more wonderful..
and I ask myself how I should get through this horrible examination tomorrow?? I dont know..but actually I dont care..well I do care but just half-hearted..whatever..
yesterday when I was lying on my bed thinking my life through I realized which date it was...29th of september..when I realized that I wondered if I should cry or if I should laugh about it..
exactly two years ago at the 29th september I had a conversation that destroyed my heart. after that I ruined my life for months and ran away from god, pretending he wouldnt exist...
it was a really horrible time..when I think about it today Im not sure what to think about it. I think it was a very important time in my life where god teached me a lot, even when I felt like he wouldnt even be there.
its strange that ONE conversation can destroy EVERYTHING inside of u..maybe it wouldnt be like that today but 2 years ago it was exactly like this..
"not that bad" I think today..becos when I look at the circumstances with this person today its okay! but nevertheless its a bit strange to think about all the things that happened two years ago..I changed a lot..and Im really glad about it..
so these days God has a few hard challenges for me to take..with a few I dont quite know how to handle them but Im sure hell show me..
im just back to that one sentence of the tim hughes song:
my soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see
but still my hope is found in you.
thats just the way it is..hes all my hope becos any other hope doesnt really exist..what I also find a bit strange is that the last few days I read about 4 times of fully trust in god, let security go and get free through this. I dont really know what I should do now..actually thats exactly the answer that I need..it tells everything and it affirms me in the thoughts I have..
but Im not ready..and Im not strong enough to let my security go..maybe I do not trust enough..but that would be hard step..becos if I would let it go..I would stand there without ANYTHING..what to do lord??

loss

2008-09-29T17:52:00.002+01:00

u would never believe how much I loved u.
u would never understand what I gave to u.
u would never see what it all did to me
u would never be interested in what I think
becos ur a real egoist.
becos u dont even care how much u hurt me through all those things u say
becos u dont even wanna try to understand what im trying to tell u
now I know were better off alone.
were better off on our owns
becos by my side youll never be again
becos we would only hurt each other
we would only bring each other down
and it still hurts so much to let u go.
becos I know u and I love what I know
and I miss u and it hurts to miss YOU
we experienced so much
we shared a lot
we shared days, songs, tears
we shared one bed and one chair
we shared our lives - we shared everything!
I cant let go but I have to.
so its best to get it all out.
every memorie becos it hurts too much
every picture becos it makes me cry
every little thing that I never thought would mean anything to me
makes me cry and fall to the ground now becos youre away.
so far away..
never coming back..
please never come back!!

a lot of stuff to think about...

2008-09-28T21:35:00.002+01:00

its a bit difficult to describe my situation at the moment..
I feel a bit lost sometimes...lost in world thats too big for me and lost in things to do I dont wanna do and that are just too hard sometimes..
I know and I realize every and every day again that noone understands how hard it is for me to get into this school. noone sees how much I really really hate it deep inside..! how should they understand? theyve got their own problems and theyve never been there...so what do I expect?
whatever..
Today Ive been to goeppingen to the prophetic evening with stefan driess..
I expected to hear anything from god about my life becos I think Ive never been that planless in my life before..something else noone could understand becos everyone just sees me going to school and thinks Im gonna do that until september, which Im not very sure about.
so I sat there waiting and as it seems the lord hasnt got to say something to me. what do I think about that? I dont know..
what I definitely know is one thing: I arrived there with high expectations but I also realized at the beginning of the worship time that Im so fidgety and agitated inside of me that there was no sense in doing worship becos I wouldnt have done it from my heart.
so I just sat on my chair and prayed and talked to god and thought about some things. I prayed for calmness and peace inside of me. It took a while to get to the point were I at least felt able to worship God. So one last song was left to do that.
But it was good so I could fully concentrate at the things stefan told. and there was some useful information that gave me some inspiration to think about the next days..
its all a bit difficult becos I dont know where exactly god likes me to be..i have a good life here as long as I can spend some time with friends or experience some new things..but as soon as school comes to my mind I start to hate it..and I hate it most when school gets into the time I normally would spend with friends (for example the lunch time on monday where Im probably no longer gonna go becos I have not enough time..). that hurts my soul.
I have to find my way and I know that its my job from this day on to search for it. Im gonna try out some different things (as much as its possible) and Im gonna find out where Im right and which is probably not right for me. becos Im sure god will show me what is right and what isnt.
maybe he doesnt want to show me becos he wants me to find out by myself..and Im gonna do that..
after a few days I really feel content inside of my heart becos I really heard some good stuff today and I think I know what I have to do now..so actually I think god told me what he wanted to tell me ;) maybe not the way I expected, but what would our God be for a god if he would act like we expect him to?
Ill keep my eyes open and Ill go on fighting and Ill make the best out of it.
there was also a picture a woman had which I thought could fit to my situation.
she talked about a girl who sits in a prison . and she brought herself in that prison by herself. becos she lost a loved person and that made her grow colder ot better she just turned away from god a bit...but theres only one thing that can get her out of this prison - GOD, the holy spirit.
yeah damn fuck I lost a loved person and I still love that person in any way but not as it was and it shouldnt be like it was but it HURT so much to lose him. and I cried out in pain a hundred times and I couldnt understand why always me..I didnt blame god but I blamed myself and so I just started hiding these feelings..before the world, before god, before myself. the only time I came out were those moments when I was very weak and not strong enough to hide.
and Im gonna go out of my own prison into the light of God with the help of his spirit that makes me strong. Im not interested in wasting my time with things like sitting inside of my own built prison. Ive got much better things to do..
and I think I know now on which direction my step will go.
Im not interested in taking a step back. Im also not interested to stand still and to do nothing. I decided to take the step into gods holiness. maybe its not gonna be one big step and Im over there..I think its gonna be two or three little steps but Ill reach that place of gods holiness.
Im not lookin back now..Im going on..on and on without U on my mind.

conclusions!

2008-09-26T22:07:00.004+01:00

shocking conclusions today!
went for a walk, felt very uncontent..didnt even know why?
sat down under a tree..waiting..talkin to God.
after half an hour still felt uncontent. but I went back..on the way back I just realized some things:
we people are so STUPID sometimes! we are here on this earth to live in community, to help each other. what do u think why here on this earth are billions of people? because we are not created to go alone. and how is it?
everyone lives his own life! everyone just cares about himself, noone opens his eyes to see where he could help somebody else whos in need! the first thing that need to be done is to safe yourself..everybody else can wait! oh how I hate this behaviour!!
How come that "friends" do not care any longer about u when they find a partner?? easy answer: they are fully occupied...with themselves and of course with their partner. Time for friends?? sorry, not enough time!
I always ask myself if I was like that too? or if I will be when I someday find the right man? if i would be like that too Id like to stay single all life long, cos I dont wanna neglect my friends..
I think were here to fight together, encourage each other, help each other, talk to each other, live LOVE. what happened to this world? what happened to its people??

2nd shocking conclusion.
theres this one senctence from a song that says "I havent got a choice anymore, the world is too far away from me now. Havent got a choice, youre [jesus] the only one who offers a life thats really worth it"
I always sang this song and thought "yeah thats just the way it is!!"...today I stood there and thought about it..and I realized: Im not yet too far away from the world to turn back to old life. Im on the edge. Ive got exactly 3 choices:
1st choice: I take one step further. then I would take a step over the edge and wont turn back.
2nd choice: I take a step back. that would mean that d turn back to old life, old habits.
3rd choice: doing nothing. would mean that nothing would change for the moment..Im safe on my place on the edge.
what I definitely not want is taking a step back. I hate my old life, I hate what happened and I dont wanna fall back to old habits that just brought me down and made my life feel like a big bunch of shit!
Id like to take a step further with god. so that Im on the way of life with him. (Im on the way of life with him now too but that would be radical). But Im not really ready. I tried to and I failed becos I realized Im just not ready.
so theres only one thing I can do. standing still. what doesnt mean that Im gonna sit down in my room now doing nothing.
Ill continue praying for an hour everyday without music and without anything else..Ill continue fighting (because theres nothing else I could do). Ill continue searching God and going the way he prepared. Ill continue searching for my way.
and the best thing about it: Ive got time. becos the lord gives me enough time to make decisions..and when the day comes when Ill take the step further this decision is made. its well thought-out. its done!
but he gives me enough time..the time Ill need to make important decisions.
and after I realized that...I was content and calm.

Im gonna break through

2008-09-25T09:40:00.003+01:00

so I sit here in school having two hours free..
learned for one hour but Ive got the feeling it wasnt worth it...I dont now how to make it until monday..I really dont know..but Ill learn and learn and learn..
Ill do nothing but learning..except one thing:
Praying!
I really thought about sitting five hours in front of a wall..praying! and ill do that.
and Im gonna pray everyday at least one hour..and Im gonna go for a walk everyday..because when I went outside yesterday I just felt good after it..because I had some peace in my heart. and thats it what I realize every and every time I go for a walk...
And Im gonna read english books to improve my english...when this examination on monday is over.
Im gonna do useful things for my life. Im gonna clean up - my room and also my soul.
my room becos I need to throw away some things of the past. And my soul becos I need to get rid of old stuff and hurtings. get rid of the mad past becos it shouldnt enchain me in the presence..
thats what Im gonna do..and this time Im really gonna fight..becos this time Im strong enough to get through this all.
I want a clean life. I wanna be full of Gods love - PURE love and not mixed up with something mad! I wanna get radical in everything I do! Im goona break down the walls! Im gonna break through!!

breakin out - NOW!

2008-09-24T21:39:00.003+01:00

Wann faellt der tropfen der das Fass zum ueberlaufen bringt?
wo bleibt der schmerz der die schmerzgrenze uebersteigt?
wo bleibt die Last die mein knie zum beugen bringt?
Damit ich vor dir meinem Herrn zerbreche.

es kommt die zeit,
mach mich bereit
zum ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit

Ich hab ja keine andre wahl mehr
denn die welt liegt schon zu weit von mir zurueck.
hab ja keine andere wahl mehr
du nur gibst das Leben das sich wirklich lohnt.
(Samuel Harfst - Ausbruch aus der Mittelmaeßigkeit)

yeah thats what I want..out of this middlingness..into a life thats everything but middling.
I have enough from this daily grind..every day the same shit..whats this for?
I wanna reach my goals but it seems like Im rather running away from them..thats pretty depressing..
I dont know what I should do, the only thing that comes to my mind is fighting!
Fighting for my wishes and dreams. And trust! Trust in the lord that hes with me and that he still has everything in his hand.
And if fighting means that I have to learn business stuff all day and night long until it comes out of my ears, nose and mouth again - I will do. And I wont stop until Im through this shit here..I wont stop because Im strong..strong through christ and nothings gonna hold me down.
And if trust means that Ill have to sit in front of a wall 24 hours doing NOTHING, eatin nothing, drinkin nothing, no music, just silence, nothing but sitting there, staring and praying and TRUSTING that ANYTHING happens - I will do!
If thats what I need to do - going into some extremities - I will do!
because if thats the only thing that brings me to that f****n goal I wanna reach I have no other chance..
and Im gonna start NOW.immediately. with learning and learning and learning..

inpatience...

2008-09-24T14:48:00.002+01:00

Im just a bit angry at the moment because NOTHING works out how I wish at the moment.
Im sitting here and actually i should learn something becos I write business studies on monday..but I really cant concentrate on that shit even if I really try to..and its sooo boring..who wants to know this stuff???
in addition I wanted to fly to manchester in october to visit a wonderful person but how should it be?? Im not allowed to..because its sooooo stupid to go to england twice within 3 months..it makes me angry becos thats the only place I wanna be at the moment and its a deep wish to go there.
I mean, Im really thankful about all the stuff that happens here at the mom..
on sunday stefan driess will come to goeppingen and there will be a prophetic evening and Im really lookin foreward to this..the sunday after that there will be domino again and I like domino and Im thankful that Ive got a church like this..and Im thankful that I can be a part of it and that I can help to let it grow..and sunday in 3 weeks were gonna go to the jesus treff to stuttgart which is also very good, I enjoyed it the last time ive been there..
and Ive got some wonderful friends here who support me all the time and I really really love them..but i ask myself if its a tall order just to try to experience some new things or to wanna see the world.
Im stuck here and thats the fact that pisses me off..I know that I should fix my eyes on jesus and that I should just try to do here what i can do..and Im really trying to make the best out of it..but its a bit hard when I always fix on that I actually dont wanna be here..maybe I should really start to realize that I live HERE and NOW. and not that I live UNFORTUNETELY here...because that makes it so depressing to be here, to live here, to do anything..
I should just accept that Ill come back to england sometime, when god thinks that its time to come back..maybe thats in winter, maybe thats next summer (where I will definitely get back there)..or what do I know..his plan is bigger, he has everythin in his hands and hes got another timetable as I have...why am I always in hurry? is hould train to be more patient..comes time, comes Gods working..

praise from pain!

2008-09-22T21:28:00.002+01:00

oh my goodness, some people are just too holy for me...
well of course its stupid..theyre not..but sometimes I feel like that...whatever..
had a good day today with some nice people around me while lunch time and also in the evening when we watched cars and ate some pizza ;)
it feels so good to have people around who dont care if Im great or not ;)
its good to know that those are the people who´ll let me go and who´ll support me in every way..because they are not only interested in keeping me here..they wanna see me happy..and I know that these are the friendships that are staying...and Im really happy about that.
so until now Im at least a bit motivated for tomorrow and the coming days in school..of course tis not really what Im dreamin about but whatever..Ill go on and its gonna be alright somehow..

Ive been very surprised on saturday when I drove home from the horseback riding. I listened to the desert song from Hillsongs and suddenly I heard one line of this song very clearly:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
how funny...thats exactly a line from the verses of the sermon where God spoke to me through his word in 1. Peter, 1,3-9 (7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed.)
I really needed to laugh because sometimes I have the feeling that God has to tell me some things 2,3 or maybe even 4 times until I really understand what he wants from me.
everything I suffer for is proving me..and Im gonna turn the suffer into praise. I wanna praise god for he is glorious!

this life...

2008-09-21T21:34:00.003+01:00

our DOMINO service today was nice.
I really enjoyed doing the worship because it felt like god wouldnt care about how it sounds like or if we play all the songs perfect but he looks after our heart and why we do this.
and I had my debut with my djembe.
it was quite funny because first I just felt like the biggest fool ever and I wasnt able to sing and to drum at the same time.
but after some songs it was easier just to join the music and I think it was okay..it wasnt good but it was okay, and thats enough for the first time in my opinion..Im still learning :)
the sermon was good because I recognized a few things I do wrong in my everyday life..and those things need to be changed..and I know that I CAN change them if god helps me to.
But theres something that makes me feel a bit wistful..:
summers over..! really over! Im really not a big fan of the winter..its cold, its grey and to be honest it just seems like the world is dead.
I dont like it..and summer was wonderful! even if I hadnt sun all the time..that wasnt important..i just had such a good time and some really wonderful people around me. and Im really thankful for all those wonderful experiences..
But I dont wanna go into this winter with negative thinking..I wanna live through the winter as happy as through the summer because Ive got a reason to be happy: Jesus loves me!
Im lookin foreward to this life, because God has a plan and a way for me..hes got everything in his hands and I know that there are some challenges, experiences, sad times but also good times in the future..he guides me and hes taking every single step with me..hell never let go of me..

und der herr tut auch heute noch wunder, stunde um stunde, tag fuer tag!!

thats just the way it is!! hes doing some miracles every and every day! hes my provider..he REALLY is!!

Resting in gods arms..

2008-09-19T14:13:00.005+01:00

its so good just to lie in gods arms and to know that Im safe.
what I absolutely love about my god is that Im allowed to tell him when Im uncontent and when I feel mad. Im allowed to shout out when I feel like it...and I can even cry before him when Im desperate..and he still loves me. and hes my comforter..and he takes me into his loving arms and tells me that everythings alright as long as Im with him - and hes right!!
so I just sat underneath a tree this afternoon and I just felt like talking, telling, shouting to god and thats exactly what I did.
when I sat there I suddenly realized its not that bad..I saw the wonderful nature around me. I saw the creation of God. and I thought about that he would never forget me when he even cares about the flowers on the fields. And it was so good to rest in his presence after this week full of work, stress and disappointments..
I really decided to do this more often...even if I think I wouldnt have time between all the stress and the school-life and stuff..I will take my time..because if I dont do that I lose all the strength..and without the strength that only Jesus can give Im lost in this world..because Im not strong enough to stand the fight against this world alone..
Because Jesus said in John 15,18 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first"
and thats okay as long as I know that he goes with me through the world that hates me..because if he does theres nothing that could bring me down - NOTHING!

its a beautiful day...

2008-09-19T14:13:00.002+01:00

its a beautiful day...the sun is shining and its a bit warmer than the last days..it brightens my mood because I hate that coldness when I know that we actually still have summer.
and now its weekend, and Im so glad about that..the last week was very exhausting..always running around, doing lots of stuff for school..I know that I have to learn this weekend and that I have to do my homework..but I really really hope to get some time for my lovely daddy. because my days were just too busy to take some time, and thats not okay. I really wanna spend some time with god and I need it..but its really difficult to find some freetime at the moment..of course I know hes with me in school and everywhere and I talk to him like i do with friends..but its something different to take some extra time..
Im just trying to make the best out of my situation in school..Im trying to understand, Im trying to do my homework and Im even trying to follow the lessons and talk some quality stuff there..
its hard because it still feels like Im a prisoner there..and still it feels like I wouldnt belong here..
But Im trying to give my best in this last year and Im trying to reach the abitur..if Im not good enough its okay..because I know I gave everything..
Still I miss u and still I feel very lost without u..still I dont how to forget u and the time we shared..but theres nothing I can do but wait..even if I hate waiting..maybe I should train to be patient..
So now Im gonna do my business studies homework and Im gonna go for a walk because I really wanna get out into the sun to spend some time with the highest and the greatest!
thank u for this wonderful day Lord!

just the way life is..

2008-09-17T18:33:00.003+01:00

it seems like it would get harder and harder everyday to realize that its really over.
I really miss u. Im thinking about u too much.
I miss your voice. I miss to hear ur breath beside me when you sleep. I miss to feel ur hand in mine. I miss ur stupid jokes and the way you made me laugh. I miss ur smell and the look in your eyes that tells me that u love me without any word.
I miss the time we shared. and we shared EVERYTHING.I miss ur bathroom and I miss the look out of ur window.I miss how we walked through fields and I miss how we drove around. I miss talkin to u. and most of all I miss u.
we really shared everything.now Im alone..and it hurts to let u go.it huts so much, it tears my heart apart.I dont wanna admit that I miss u.I cant tell anybody because I dont wanna show.
and now Im desperate and write it into this stupid blog because I know that almost nobody reads that shit.thats the reason I can admit that I miss u and that it hurts like hell.
I miss u so..we shared everything...

the last day were so busy..and I the only thing I feel is tired. Im sooo tired. I only wanna sleep so I dont need to think of all those things. I gotta do too much in school and it seems like the last few days I did nothing but writing some stupid texts for my essay or doing some other things that are important for school. its so exhausting..thats exactly the life I didnt wanna choose because its boring and senseless..
thank God that Ive got Jesus. hes the only one who gives strength..and hes the only reason for me to go on - to reach my first goal: get back to england!

oh Jesus how I need u

2008-09-14T20:54:00.003+01:00

Today Kaddi and I ahve been to Stuttgart to the Jesus Treff..it was very spontanious and weve never been there before so we had NO idea how to get there..the only thing we had was a location plan from the internet..so we started our drive one hour before the service began (the local plan told us we would need half an hour but WE KNOW US)..and we were right..I guess weve been EVERYWHERE in stuttgart just not where we wanted to be..we drove to nowhere, we drove on a bus line, we turned off where it wasn allowed..to be honest: we drove around really really stupid...
to be honest I didnt thought it would be possible to arrive where we wanted to..but hey, we really did..1 hour too late...so we got into the church ans we´ve been pretty annoyed..but although weve been too late and we didnt saw much of the service it was really cool...we also met some people we didnt expected to meet and had some nice little conversations..and yeah it was just good to be there and I think it wasnt the last time..I guess we´re going to go there more often in the future.
I also gave up on things I´m really fixed on..just gave it up to Jesus and Im sure hes gonna make the best out of it.
I dont wanna fear about future and I dont wanna be fixed on things that enchain me..I dont wanna live in the past and I also dont wanna live in the future..I wanna live here and now..and I wanna make the best out of my situation even if its not what I dream about..Jesus is with me thats the most important thing!!

Jesus spoke..

2008-09-14T12:23:00.004+01:00

sometimes its really funny what happens when u do not expect it the most.
Today i´ve been to a service..but to be honest I havent been there because I thought it would be a great service but because I thought I should go there because it was the service to thank god for all the wonderful camps in summer.
So I sat there and I wasnt very motivated...
but then Kerschi held the sermon...and there were two things that made me surprised. the sermon was about hope. living hope.
And one of the first sentences he told was "Jesus conquered the death". wow!! wasnt that exactly what I told u yesterday in my blog entry?? I really needed to control myself not to shout out loudly: "AMEN!!! thats the way it is!!!"
the second thing is, that I´m thinking a lot about future and stuff at the moment..I´m trying to find my way and I ask and ask what God planned for me. and i really struggle with my relationship that is over forever...it hurts a lot these days and Im wondering when it will end and I just wish that all the pain would go away. So in the sermon they read a few verses from 1. Peter 1,3-9.it says:

"3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade- kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

"WOOOOW!!!" was the only thing I could say when they were ready with reading..
I was absolutely overwhelmed by what God told me through this.
it made my day. Im amazed how Jesus is talking to me, even when I sit in a service where I actually thought "why am I here??" - therefore, to hear God speak! Thank you Lord!

JESUS conquered the DEATH!

2008-09-13T17:32:00.005+01:00

Es ist vorbei
Wohin mit Krankheit, wohin mit Tod
Ich darf gespannt sein, was in mir wohnt
Wer will schon sterben, wer will schon gehn
Man will doch leben und will viele Nachkommen sehn
Ich kenne die Krankheit, ihren Bruder, den Tod
Sie haben beide schon in mir oder bei mir gewohnt
Im Großen und Ganzen wird man von Ihnen nicht verschont
Aber was geschieht wenn JESUS in Dir thront
Was würde passieren, was müsste geschehn
Der Tod müsste sterben und die Krankheit vergehn
Warum also sterben, erklär das noch mal
Mein Bruder im Glauben, glaub mir wir haben die Wahl

Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer und das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann,
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran

Es ist vorbei, over und aus, Finito, Ende, Feierabend wir gehen weiter als Tannenbäume kaufen
und Eier malen
das hier ist Trost der Tod hat seine Macht verloren für einen gestorbenen Stern werden neue Acht
geboren
Es ist vorbei du musst keine Angst haben wir sind Kinder im Beton und müssen diese Wand malen.
Gib dir die Wahrheit mach dich von Drogen, Lügen, Angst frei, Schwester lass dich fallen vertrau
uns Bruder du fällst weich !!!

Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer und das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann,

Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran
If there is a life before death cause death has died
And JESUS is here to save you and I
Hope we´ll be together for an endless time
With no more pain and no more lies
I´m prepared and I´m not scared
Of the world and it´s demons cause my GOD is here, my GOD is here, my GOD is here
I gave my life to JESUS so I have no fear

It´s over now
Death is out of power for sure
So we won´t have to die anymore
It´s over now
We can live for ever Brother,
you can tell your sister
Father and Mother
It´s over now
We´ve been dyin´ year after year
But it´s over cause Jesus is here
So live this life cause this life
Is the best you will have
And with JESUS we´ll leave death in the past

Ich red von
Matrix Teil Eins, nich in statischen Rhymes, mach
Klartisch und bye, ganz egal wie du heißt. Ein
Tag ohne Leid is der Tag der befreit. Wenn du
panisch bist, weinst und den Plan nich mehr peilst. Sei bereit
für den Arm der dich greift und laß los, was
hindert. Gegen Gottes Kinder is jeder Name machtlos. Ich
mach bloß was ich am besten kann, für den besten Mann. Und
halte seinen Namen hoch, damit jeder von euch testen kann.
Nehme das Mic, ereifer mich, jeder der nur von Cypher spricht,
weiß nich dass GOTTES REICH mehr als Style is und begreift es nich. Daß
seine Gnade Zeit durchbricht, die dunkle Bedrohung weicht dem Licht. Der
Herr der Ringe spürt die Klinge die längst an seinem Hals anliegt.
Also geh ich voran für den König, einfach rappen wär nur zu gewöhnlich, wir
haben es nötig, warten is tödlich, die Sonne kommt, der Himmel schon rötlich. Es
Ist vorbei – nicht für uns, doch für den Feind, der Morgen scheint, das
Kreuz beschreibt den Ort, an dem der Sieg nich mehr verborgen bleibt

Es ist vorbei
Er hat keine Macht mehr, denn er gab seine Macht her
Es ist vorbei
Er hat nur ein kleines Heer, das taugt gar nichts mehr
Es ist vorbei
Doch er reißt mit wen er kann aber sterben ist längst nicht mehr dran
Deswegen lügt er und betrügt er und bescheißt wo er kann
Doch er weiß er ist schon längst nicht mehr dran

yeah, that is! IT´S OVER AND DEATH HASNT GOT ANY POWER ANYMORE!!
Because Jesus is here. Here and now. And I am with Jesus so I dont need to be afraid of anything!
This song really touched my heart when I listened to it a few times in the last 15 minutes..it has so much POWER!
it really shows that there´s nothing we need to fear because jesus took every sin, he conquered the death and he wiped away every tear. Because he has such a great LOVE for us, and the only thing we need to do is BELIEVE in him and so we are safe.
Safe from the world and its demons. safe from the world and its people who don´t wanna know Jesus and who wanna damage us. Safe from death, sickness and other destroying things. We are safed and free by Jesus Christ who died upon the cross and revived. Oh Jesus what you did for ME and for EVERYONE is so unbelievable..THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Bristol and today

2008-09-12T21:55:00.002+01:00

how beautiful those pictures are...
I´ve never ever been in Bristol..but when I look at those pictures and when I think about my plans about next summer my heart gets so glad and so happy.
I can´t wait to get there..If I could I would book a flight today without booking a flight back and if it was that easy I would just stay there and live!!
sometimes its hard to wait and it´s also hard for me to understand why I have to do some things I really dont wanna do..
But I really wanna try to make the best out of it..its a new decision every and every day again to say "yes". Yes to the day, yes to the world, yes to jesus.
and I have absolutely NO problem to say yes to Jesus because he´s the one who guides me through EVRYTHING. He has the strength I havent got and thats the only reason I go throughall the things I have to.
Today I wasnt very successful in saying yes to the world and yes to the day. but tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to say yes. And even if I have to clean the parish hall tomorrow, I´m hopeful! because I think its a good time to think about some things in my life that I urgently need to get out of my life..some things of the past..and I´m sure I´ll make it someday..because Jesus is with me and thats all I need!! thank u jesus for your love!!

saying yes...but how???

2008-09-12T12:31:00.002+01:00

it gets harder every and every day..school is terrible..I feel like I´m almost alone there because no one understands anything. everyday without u gets more and more lonely and it feels like noone understands.
everyday I see my friend and her boyfriend..and they are so happy..and I´m happy for them but it hurts to see them because I know that I´ve been that happy too one and a half year ago..
I hate thinking about that you lied to me, I hate that you "betrayed" me, and I hate that I gave myself up for u. slowly and in a way that nobody realized (even I didnt)..but just as slowly as I lost myself I figure it out...and I´m trying to get back to the start of everything, so that I can start again, new, clean, and without u on my mind.
without ANYONE of u in my mind because I dont need you..because you are my past!
Yesterday when I heard the sermon which was about saying yes to every single day I felt like I´d like to run out of this room. This guy talked about living TODAY. not in the future and not in the past. and thats where I see my fault: some things of the past really enchain me and I´m trying so hard to let them go..and it doesnt work! why? because one more time I try it all by myself. even if I know that I´m not able to let go.
And I also live in the future..oh goodnes, how I wish that it would be august 2009 so that I can finally leave this place behind me to start something new...
I try to plan things I just cant plan and it makes me tired because I see that it doesnt work out how I would like it to..
and I really wanted to say yes to today..but I´m just not able to...because when u wake up and the first thing you think is "oh no..school again..the first thing I do when I come home is going to bed again"..this is not very open-minded and hearted for this day..but I just hate sitting there and listening to some stupid teachers who tell me things I already knew or I dont wanna know...
and I hate it to feel like I would be in the wrong place..
I dont know how to say yes to this day..the only thing I can do is lay it down into the hands of jesus..because he is stronger and he is in control when I am not!
I freakin miss you but I´ve got that feeling that God tells me its in vain..maybe thats just what I tell myself..I dont know it yet..but thats not very encouraging..because u are someone special..and I dont want it to be in vain...

lifestyles I dont wanna see no more...

2008-09-10T18:16:00.003+01:00

sometimes, when I look at the people around me I just can´t understand the world anymore...
what is goin on here??
some people really hadnt a good life and they experienced a lot of rubbish...
but in every case someday there ame somebody who heped them and who really supports them and stuff..
but just how life is, those people leave someday..and what happens then??
Everyone falls back into his habits and his "old lifestyle"...
why??? I mean, yeah, it often happens that you get disappointed or hurt by other people..and of course thats not very great but..that ALWAYS happens!
what do u expect from this life? that everyone will always stay by your side? of course there will be people who will never leave and I´m truly glad about this fact..but not everyone will.
And if someone helps you to change your life...why falling back into old life when he´s gone?
Don´t you change for yourself?? so that YOUR life is better?? dont you see that your life is worth living? that YOU are worth living??
Folks, please open your eyes!!!
I get very sad when I see and hear about people who just sit at home and dont get their ass ANYWHERE...I feel so sorry for them! the only thing I wanna do is pick them up at home and just spend a wonderful day with them, showing how to LIVE!!!
and what is even worse: people who destroy themselves because they got hurt...
I always beloged to that kind of people too..but since I found my identity in jesus I see no sense in that way of living anymore..
He made me free, he released me of all that bullshit I´ve done in my life..he forgave me everything...why should I go on and blame myself?? why should I bear stuff that I dont need to bear no longer?
Come on guys, stand up and just LIVE!!!

why are some things soooo hard???

2008-09-09T21:24:00.002+01:00

it´s sooooo depressing..
the only light I saw at the end of this dark time called "school-time until the end of october" was to fly to Bristol in my holidays...
and whats now? every damn flight straight to bristol costs about 200 euro (I´m sorry I´m not a millionaire!!!???), and every flight to london stansted I could pay hasn´t got a busline that fits into the times of the flights..
well I could sleep at the airport in london, great idea isn´t it??
it reaaally frustrates me because I was sooo lookin foreward to get back to britain..it fucks me up...BULLSHIT!!
I´m out! maybe I should start a 24/7 prayer-time to see some miracles...

school and shoes..

2008-09-08T19:30:00.003+01:00

so I´m back in hell on earth...-.-
When I see this building I could puke!! I hate it, I hate it I REALLY hate it!
and for some people its maybe hard to believe or hard to understand that I do..
but they are not me..and they are not in my situation and they dont live my life..
and all I wanna do is get away from there...I just dont know how..

but actually it was a funny day..I went to some shoe-stores with Kaddi and we tried lots of shoes (most of them were really really nasty ;). But it was great fun to walk around in shoes you would never ever wear in your life!!
And I really found some beautiful shoes I bought in the end (I needed some!).
Some other colors than I usually wear but hey, I really like them!!
so tomorrow the daily grind starts again...6 hours school..getting up early..sounds horrible!!
but well..Jesus is with me..thats something I cling to!!

life´s good.

2008-09-07T17:38:00.002+01:00

So I had a wonderful evening yesterday and a beautiful day today.
Yesterday Chrissie and Kaddi visited me at home and we had a great evening with some fun and some memories at the Zeltstadt and also just a good conversation about God who´s changing all of us.
I really enjoyed that evening, it´s sooo good to know that I have a big family with wonderful people who stand by my side!!
Today Kaddi and me drove to Goeppingen to visit Chrissie :)
So we arrived at 9.30am (huuuh, I really had to get up too early :D ) and first we had a great breakfast (I´m so thankful!!). After that we went to her church where we celebrated a school-service for the kids.
After the service we painted the kids faces..and it was SO funny! I´v never did that before and I really think Im not very good in painting someones face ;)
But all those kids were happy and satisfied and they were SO CUTE!!
It was lots of fun, really!
So now I have a beautiful blue flower, some small purple flowers and some glitter on my cheek but I fell good, because I like it ;)
So now I´m back home...school starts again tomorrow...this fact really horrifies me..:(
But after school I´ll go straightly to the ejki to meet some wonderful people, to eat a delicious lunch and to go into town with Kaddi to find some new shoes!! I´m lookin foreward, it will be fun I´m sure!!

learning, going on,...

2008-09-06T14:30:00.003+01:00

one more time I feel the hate coming up inside of me..
I really dont want it..but how you talk...that ex and the ex before that ex..that sounds ugly..it sounds like you would dispose us one by one..
why the hell do I even think yout you?? Sometimes I think you´re really not worth it..why do I even waste ONE thought???

we´ve been to the streets again today..I really hadn´t success with ANYONE^^
but I think God nevertheless teached me something today: he showed me that it´s not necessarily about speaking to someone or praying for anybody..
it´s about patience, and I have to admit that I haven´t got enough of it ;)
so I didn´t talk to anybody and I didn´t pray for anyone but Ilearned something and what is also great that I finally had the chane to find some people to build a group with..
it´s my desire since I´ve been to the pioneer-seminar at the zeltstadt, where the thought of a group raised in my mind. A group where we pray a lot. Pray for our region, for the people around us, for revival in krichheim and around ;), and for everything else thats important for us. and where we also go out to the streets more often to talk to people, tell them about God, pray for them or just being friendly to them.
but where we also can be honest and tell about our life, our problems, our experiences with god. and also where it doesn´t work out like we would like it.
just an open space for all the people who are really BURNING FOR GOD!!
and I´m really lookin foreward to our meetings because I think we´ll have a very good time, and up to now we are 4 very motivated people who wanna see more of God and we wanna see him doing some changes in our region! and we are ready to do something for a change and to go for Gods Kingdom on earth! And I really think we´re on a GOOD way!!

just a little smile..

2008-09-05T11:20:00.004+01:00

well okay..I realized that there´s no need to get angry about anyone and no need to get mean.
because with this behaviour I do the same as you did and its not fair.
We both did some things wrong..we both are guilty..and now I have to get over it..whatever..
I don´t wanna be a person who is angry, who has a cold heart and who is filled with hate..
thats definitely NOT who I want to be..
I wanna come across people with friendliness and love...I wanna smile at them for no reason (well I have a reason, because I AM LOVED by the highest and the greatest!!).
I wanna show them joy, and its enough for me to see them lookin irritated because they don´t understand why I smile at them and say hello but they see a difference to all the other people who walk around with their eyes on the ground.
and its even more beautiful when a little smile flits over their face and they greet me back.
yeah, thats a good reason to live this life!

LET ME OUT!!

2008-09-04T21:21:00.004+01:00

why do I still think about him??
it fucks me up!! its over!! over and out!!
now I AM the one whos down and I AM the one who feels alone.
are u happy now??? well done, good job..
NEVER try to tell me again that I would be heartless, I wouldn´t care at all, it wouldnt matter to me and I wouldnt care about YOU!! so now u are the one who has a good time
und ich bin diejenige die hier dahei rumsifft und abkackt!

so FUCK YOU, fuck you, fuck you
and all we´ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, LEAVE IT!!
it´s nothing to you
and if you hate me, hate me, hate me
then hate me so good that you can LET ME OUT, let me out, let me out
OF THIS HELL WHEN YOU´RE AROUND

(it´s enough when you´re NOT around..don´t even need to see you...)

by the way, you always knew I HATED all those FUCKING, uncountable girls you had around you...
and I always knew that you had lots of fun with them..I know YOU, and I simply know how you are..
but it hurts even more to hear it from other people who say "if that would be my boyfriend I would be very jealous!"
and so you wanna tell me I won´t ever be able not to be jealous and angry??
look at yourself first.
come on go on having fun with them..I DON`T FUCKIN MIND!!
you´ll see where it´ll bring u....I HAAAAAATE YOU!!!!!! :´(

where is "home"?

2008-09-04T17:23:00.002+01:00

haha..great feeling to be at your local home..but don´t even approximately feel like it. I hate those conversations I need to listen to since DAYS..everyday the same, round and round, it makes me sick!!
Of course I can understand that its not a great feeling to be ill in that way, yeah I understand that..but could we PLEASE talk about ANYTHING else now??
I really dont mean it angrily or something..and I really dont wanna say that they were extremely annoying today..I just cant listen anymore..
who cares about what I think? who cares about my sorrow? who talks about that round and round?? who sees that it makes me sick to go back to this horrible school on monday? who would understand?
well...one man always understands, Jesus! I dont know what I would do if I wouldnt know hes listening, even when I tell him the same things a thousand times..
what I also got are some wonderful friends. but nobody really understands - apart from one person - what I feel at the moment..
sometimes I have the feeling that all of them are only interested in keeping me here because they want to have me here..I wonder why because they don´t really share that much time with me..
they simply cant understand that I hate to be here and that all I wanna do is go somewhere else to live a life thats worth living (dont wanna say my life here isnt worth living - life is ALWAYS worth living..but u know..).
Theres only one person who understands and she would let me go..because she knows as I know that we are FRIENDS..and we will stay friends, wherever we go or whatever comes our way..I´m so thankful that you placed her next to me Jesus..think I would despair of this life if I wouldnt have her..!
Jesus I really try to cling to the cross and I think thats the only thing that gives me strength at all! I really dont wanna be depressive or something and actually I´m really not..the only thing that makes me is this fuckin school I hate soooo much...and the fact that I don´t have a clue how it all should go on after school, no matter if I break up or if I do my ABI..help me out of this personal hell..it burns me!